today in my head

i thought i'd try to blog properly today.

i'm utterly crippled with self-loathing. i hate myself to the point that i would love to not be here.

i get so lost in too many negative thoughts at once that not being here seems logical.

i am sick of being sick, tired of being tired and cannot put up with the physical and emotional pain i feel every day. i'm even sore in my sleep -how is that even possible?! i don't think it is -the doctor i told that to said it wasn't and he's learned which means only one thing...i must be a liar.

i had horrible dreams and flashbacks and a mix of the two (ie flashbacks, but with alternative endings from reality!!)

then i think i struggle to remember which was the real ending -but i don't really. i know the real ending and it was the worst possible ending for me -this existence.

i wish i'd been murdered at least nobody would hate me for having taken my own life,they wouldn't be ashamed to talk about me -they might be sad, i don't know i'm not in their head (though i don't honestly believe anyone would be and that even if they were it would be for the moment they discovered they could no longer talk to me and have me talk back...but certainly not for any length of time)

***

i keep thinking to myself "how could things fall apart so much and so quickly?!" only for that thought to be immediately replaced with "ha!You're kiddn' yourself...nothing's ever been 'together' and you've never been fine, or ok, or 'normal'!!"

i try to remember the last 'good day' i had and can't...the psychotherapist says that's part of borderline personality disorder...meh...

***

i was on the phone to NHS24 last week -when i was sitting holding my rope, as you do...i hadn't made it into a noose at that point and was pretty much arguing with myself as to why i shoul or shouldn't do it...

anyway i called NHS 24 and the nurse was calm and collected and told me a CPN (Clinical Psychiatric Nurse) would call me back...that was at 3am and after 5am, sure enough a CPN caled me...by then i'd cut my leg (just a tiny wee bit) and in the last several months of cutting it has not changed my mental state but it did then...i calmed down and cried -i hadn't been able to cry that night up til that point...

***

But during today's dreams/nightmare things...well...i realised i don't really really want to die. i just don't want to be sore anymore or think the thoughts i do...tu the second i think that it's like a spark goes off inside my head and my head has been previously filled with the most volatile gas known to man...and instead of any logic it goes straight to too many overhwelming things at once...like, i can't just suddenly start walking after 3 years so that'll take time, i won't just suddenly start thinking positively after more than half my life thinking, well, not-so-positively, i won't just suddenly become a size 10, i can never undo the bad things that have happened to me and so my brain goes straight to self-destruct mode.

Does this even make sense?