i dissociated...spectacularly...
more than one male has ruined me...
one
i used to be a KJ (Karaoke Jockey) and there were always drunk men round me, chatting me up (i'm not being vain...they were...and they were so drunk they'd probably have chatted the puggy up!!)...
anyway, one night it had snowed and taxis were a 2 hour wait and what not and there was a guy who was always nice to me and really REALLY encouraging when i was singing...he'd always have suggestions for new songs to try too...he was just, super friendly and always sat near my work area.
i worked a 9 hour shift every Saturday and had done for a year and a half...
he only lived "round the corner" so i offered him a lift -he refused and started to walk but didn't have a hat or gloves etc so i demanded that he get in my car so i could give him a lift.
...He did, indeed, live only round the corner...it was less than a 15minute drive but i knew it would have taken him much longer to walk.
...anyway we get to his and it's a drive down a dark alley and immediately my heart starts to beat loudly, as though someone's moved it into my skull...it's so loud and fast...
He continues the chat we'd been having during the drive as though nothing's wrong and i begin to calm down and think how stupid i am at assuming he would hit me ...or anything...
He asks if I'd like to come in for tea (he knows i don't drink alcohol!Ha!) and we have a bit of a laugh about it... I decline as pleasantly as i can and he becomes more insistent that i come in for something hot to drink as a thank you for driving him and keeping him warm. Again, I explain that i'm grateful but unable to as i have Mass a few hours from then.
He then starts to describe situations which would mean i couldn't get to Mass anyway -the snow was still falling and he said it would be dangerous to drive in the morning anyway so i'd best not go to Mass and that would mean i could go into his flat...Or i should go to a later one so that other people had been out driving and paved the way, thus i would be able to have a lie in and COULD go to his...
Still i declined...
He changed.
Quicker than i could react.
He grabbed me and before i knew wheat was happening i was in the back seat of my car...and so was he.
i drove home shaking...and not from the cold.
i do not remember the drive.
i just remember suddenly being in bed. Hugging a teddy. Then finding a blade in my sharps drawer...and making very sure that where i cut would not be visible...there was no way i could explain that one...
it was all my own fault...
i offered him the lift
i demanded he get in the car
i laughed at his jokes
...i led him on, didn't i?...
what a slut
...i got out of bed early in the morning (i didn't sleep) and showered and went to Mass and carried on with everything as usual...
another one
i was 10 the first time i had alcohol...it was about 2% -a Babysham on Hogmanay...i thought i was SO COOL! Hahahaha!
The next time i had alcohol i was 17 and in a nightclub (underage!!Shocking!)
Everyone was making a big deal that i didn't drink alcohol, because they all did -every weekend...but i'd seen my older siblings so drunk they couldn't see or walk or talk properly...and, most importunity, i saw them the morning after...ill, vomiting, crying -and i knew i'd never put myself through that!!!
Anyway, everyone was basically laughing at me and i caved...i had a bottle of bright blue something...and by bottle i mean one of those wee alcopops, not a litre bottle or anything...
One of the guys with us, who we'd all known for 6 years, got me it (he said it was incase they ID'd me and because he went there every weekend they wouldn't ask him)...I found it a bit odd, but the liquid was almost spilling out of the bottle it was so full -i made a joke about how the company who makes those drinks should make crisps...he laughed and said it was only because he'd tripped a bit on the way over that it fizzed up a litte...
A little while later i went to the toilets because the music was getting a bit loud...
i got to the door of a cubicle and started feeling dizzy...
i remember the guy's girlfriend coming with me to the toilets...
i remember her telling jokes and i remember me laughing like a total maniac and think "wow, you're laughing like a total maniac -STOP IT!" but being unable to stop laughing.
i remember leaving with them both and the girl's best friend...
i remember getting to her house and making toast and the four of us sitting round the dining room table in the world's most uncomfortable chairs...and feeling so dizzy and falling off said chair...
then it gets very hazy very very hazy...
the only utterly clear memory i have was of him being too big and getting pretty frustrated at the fact..
I disgust myself so much...
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