My Favourite Red Dwarf Quotes

I'm so gorgeous, there's a six month waiting list for birds to suddenly appear, every time I am near!" ~Cat, Back in the Red

(to Rimmer) "Your nickname was never Ace. Maybe Ace Hole." ~Lister, Kryten


"I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000; the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers." ~Holly, Future Echoes

"David Lister, Technician, 3rd class. Captain's remarks: "Has requested sick leave due to diarrhea on no less than 500 occasions. Left his previous job as a supermarket trolley attendant after ten years because he didn't want to get tied down to a career. Promotion prospects: zero." " ~Holly, Waiting for God

"Rimmer [on owing 8500 in tax]: "What? This is wrong! This is dead wrong!"
Lister: "It doesn't matter now. Not gonna catch you now, are they?"
Rimmer: "Just because we're three million years into deep space and the human species is extinct? That means nothing to these people. They'll find us." " ~Rimmer and Lister, Better Than Life

"The aforementioned Rimmer, to whit, me, attended inspection parade. He was totally naked except for a pair of mock-leather driving gloves and some blue swimming goggles. Under the influence of this psychedelic breakfast he went on to attack two senior officers, believing them to be giraffes who were armed and dangerous." ~Rimmer, Stasis Leak

"That's a load of Tottenham, that is. Yeah, a steaming pile of Hotspur." ~Holly, Queeg

"And the moral of the story; appreciate what you've got, because basically, I'm fantastic!" ~Holly, Queeg

"Well, the thing about a black hole - its main distinguishing feature - is it's black. And the thing about space, the colour of space, your basic space colour, is black. So how are you supposed to see them?" ~Holly, Marooned

"Rimmer: [While Lister is examining his 19th century toy soldiers] "Please be careful with those, they're antiques! How's General Dumuoriez going to look with goat vindaloo all over his tunic?"
Lister: "It'll make him look more realistic, it'll look like he's got dysentery." " ~Rimmer and Lister, Marooned


"Pub." Ah, yes: a meeting place where people attempt to achieve advanced states of mental incompetence by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks." ~Kryten, Timeslides

"Lister: "Caligula's a famous Roman Emperor. He slept with his mother, both his sisters and ended up eating his son."
Cat: "Hey, a little advice, bud. We all feel a little peckish after making love, but most of us settle for pizza." " ~Lister and Cat, Meltdown