I am a nothing

Everything I think is invalid
Everything I say is invalid
Everything I do is invalid

I AM INVALID

I AM A NOTHING

I am a nobody

What's your diagnonsense?

What's the point in giving a diagnosis if 'they' still choose not to help...

a perpetual broken ankle...well, more than 3 years seems perpetual when i crawl now...and don't go out anymore..

assessment after assessment and the eventual decision that i have Borderline Personality Disorder..yet you still don't answer my calls...or return them...or help when i cry out for it...

shame...

you seem to only start to learn lessons upon inquests after people jump under trains or out of windows or tie up ropes...

fuck you all

11 Tips for Cooling off After a Confrontation

       from the BeliefNet website
 

We all try to keep our cool and stop anger and hostility from infiltrating our sense of inner peace, but sometimes—whether we rashly lose our tempers or are provoked into a righteous confrontation—we find ourselves in an argument. During the fight, our endorphins pump, our faces flush, our hands might shake, and our hearts pound.

But what about afterwards? How can we harness our endorphins, faces, hands, and hearts and re-assemble that inner peace that was shattered when the argument reared its ugly head? 

We asked you, Beliefnet’s readers, for your best tips, and combined them with some ideas from experts. So take a deep breath and click on for 11 quick ways to calm down after an argument. 

1.  Take a Recovery Walk

I take a walk. While I am walking, I think about the situation and what just happened. After we both are calm I recoup myself and talk to him ask: was that even worth it to argue? Did it really need to go that far? And what was the whole argument about again? Then we talk, laugh it off, and become one piece again.
–Veronika Neou via Facebook

2.  Tear up Paper

The simple activity of shredding up paper with both hands can keep you distracted and help relieve those fleeting thoughts of anger.
– Sabah Karimi via Associated Content

3. Take It Out on the Couch

I have this big orange plastic bat, and I beat the couch until I am laughing. I just moved, think I need to find it again….
–Linda Ledford via Facebook

4.  Burn Vanilla or Lavender Candles

Vanilla scents are calming and soothing, while lavender also encourages sleep. Taking a whiff of these powerful scents can help you de-stress and remove yourself from the tension just long enough to simmer down.
– Sabah Karimi via Associated Content

5.  Only Tell the Story a Few Times

After a recent argument, I vented about what happened to my sister. Then my mother. Then my mother-in-law. Then some friends. Then (again) to my husband. I think that was a mistake--not a mistake to share the story, but a mistake to repeat it again and again. All that did was get me worked up and indignant all over again. Instead, tell the story to a very inner circle, and to others who know you had an argument, either have a one-sentence summary or just ask them to support you in calming down.
– Holly Rossi via Fresh Living

6.  Shake Your Shoulders

Most of us collect tension in the areas in the back of the neck, shoulders, and upper body. Next time you're having a tense moment, notice how your shoulders may be hunched in and how the muscles are contracting. Shaking your shoulders will give you a much-needed posture adjustment, helping you breathe naturally and calming you down.
– Sabah Karimi via Associated Content

7.  Let It Out…And Move On

I remind myself: Hiss, spit, and get over it.
–Karen Cloutier via Facebook

8.  Respect Different Opinions

I find that it is hard sometimes for people to realize that an argument is an expression of difference of opinion, and we all are entitled to our own opinion. That doesn't mean that either of us is wrong, just different. I try to remind myself of this: it is not always what you say, but how you say it, so I try to say it with God’s guidance and a pure heart. That helps me to remain calm during and after an argument.
–Wilma Burgess via Facebook

9.  Breathe It Out

I count to ten, then twenty, and if I'm still not calm, I have to literally run until I'm out of breath.
–Antonia Wahsise via Facebook

10.  Choose Your Battles Carefully

First, realize when you simply can't change a thing...then pick the battles that are important to you...that's it! People can be difficult, even yourself...so stop it early!
–Patricia Montgomery via Facebook

11.  Heal Thyself

I do Reiki, put my hands over my heart, and can't possibly stay angry that way.
–Sara A. Mann via Facebook

BPD and Crisis

 © A.J. Mahari, October 21, 2001

Borderlines are not unfamiliar with what feels like crisis after crisis to them. What they need to recognize is that you cannot heal without learning to make new choices when you come these inevitable crisis points. Healing from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder means learning to endure and work through each crisis. 
 

What is a crisis?

Often many people with BPD (or not) think that having what feels like more feelings than you can hold is a crisis. They often also think that changes in distance between themselves and others (we all flow in and out, closer and more distant as there is an ebb and flow to relationships) is a crisis as well. Anything that seeks to separate the borderline from cognitive-distorted beliefs and the accompanying feelings is often experienced as a crisis.

Most see being in crisis as a negative thing, an undesirable painful 'out of control thing'. While there are times when a crisis brings forth danger, trouble and or the threat of unpleasant consequences more often than not a crisis is a chance to make needed change. It is a turning point.

What we often identify as a crisis is actually a turning point of opportunity presenting itself in the course of whatever we are dealing with. While it can be a painful attack of a disorder, or a painful living example of coping skills that one may lack, or an insight about oneself that brings with it a lion-share of grief, each turning point is an opportunity to learn, grow, recover and to heal. Every time you let one of these opportunities pass you, you are making an active choice to continue to suffer.

What is a BPD crisis?

In Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) even just feeling something can constitute a perceived (or real) crisis of some sort. If one has been dissociated from feelings for a long time those feelings are then perceived as being more outside of oneself than a part of oneself. This can be very frightening and overwhelming. Not being able to sit with, hold, work through and come to an un-distorted [sic] place with the thoughts that drive those feelings (often) leads a borderline to believe and to feel he/she is in a crisis.

At the heart of each and every borderline crisis is the pain of the Core Wound of Abandonment.

The challenge here is to learn that the presentation of a lot of emotion does not have to be so overpowering. Whether it is overwhelming or not, however, you can learn ways to cope with it so that you do not end up feeling and or being in crisis each time your feelings rise up. It is the processing, understanding, and integrating of these very feelings that feel so threatening that is the way to find your true self and to recover.

Borderlines often are dependant upon others to mirror to them who they are and what they need and should do, feel and say. Often borderlines find themselves in crisis when they somehow threaten the security of the connection to the people that they feel they need in their lives to be safe and okay. Yet, just as often, borderlines feel compelled to break these connections out of some maladaptive protective attempts or the simple reality of the very complex need to sabotage these connections in order to re-play out past experiences, usually of abandonment.

There is a co-dependant neediness, often, that sees many borderlines manipulating to meet their own needs through others. This is ripe territory for an inevitable crisis, not to mention a very valuable one. If you can hold your frustration, anger, abandonment etc. long enough to endure the loss of any relationship in your life (and borderlines usually lose quite a few over time) and learn to meet your needs and soothe yourself then you can begin to turn your life around from being needy to being much more healthy. This is an example of how a crisis can be a very worthwhile challenge that can result in much positive growth and change.

A well-managed crisis can also bring about a rather sudden insight that can lead to just as sudden a recovery over time. When things change quickly as they often do with new insight into oneself it can absolutely feel like a crisis of sorts. So much new information and often some of it that leaves a person with a lot of grief can feel just as devastating and difficult as a crisis of negative and isolating or disconnecting proportions.

What a crisis actually is (more often than not)

Many a crisis is, in actuality, a shifting and separating from old beliefs, old patterns of thought and behaviour, pain that was clung to and in fact kept you stuck with it often alienating you from those around you, illusions, delusions, and maladaptive [sic] coping skills that no longer work but only serve to make things more painful in the long run. Simply put many a perceived crisis is actually learning, discernment, growth, change, risk, new feelings to hold and work through as one begins to break free of old lifetime scripts or patterned ways of thinking, feeling, and acting.

Borderlines must experience some crisis in order to heal and to recover. It is not so much the crisis or the fear, anxiety or pain that are the biggest challenge. The biggest challenge is how you choose to deal or cope with all of these feelings, insights and changes.

In the truest meaning of a crisis - a turning point - each borderline must realize the value of the lostness [sic] of all of the pain and grief and let that teach him/her how to make new choices. For if you continue to make the same choices, you will not only continue to go through the same crisis over and over again, but you will inevitably get the same results - the same negative, overwhelming, annihilating borderline thoughts and feelings that lead you to act in ways that only perpetuate the very crises you seek relief from in your life.

MY BPD Crisis Plan

http://www.alawebpages.com/webquestbpd/crisis.htm#Develop%20a%20Plan

The above has the outline for a crisis plan if you have Borderline Personality Disorder...

I badly need a better plan than grabbing for something with which to hurt myself...


***

"A safety plan is a critical part of treatment for borderline personality disorder (BPD). 
People with BPD are among the most at risk of attempting suicide, or engaging in other high risk activities. 
Without a safety plan, you may be in danger of harming yourself or someone else." (I'd NEVER harm someone else...no matter how far i was pushed...i only ever harm myself!!

"A safety plan can reduce your risk and make it less likely that you will make a decision in the heat of the moment that will have serious consequences."
 
"Ask Your Therapist About A Safety Plan" -eh, ok if she ever gets back to me...

"If you have BPD, you should be working with a mental health professional on a safety plan." (then why on earth am i finding this out online!! The NHS has a lot to answer for!!!)

"If you and your therapist have not yet developed a safety plan, ask them whether this is something you should do together. If you do not have someone to work with on this, find a therapist" (Nah, you're ok, i'll give it a bash myself...it's better than the harmful coping mechanisms i turn to at the moment...)

***

"Target Your Safety Plan: Evaluate Your Risk Behaviors[sic]
Once you have enlisted your therapist, you can have them help you to evaluate your risk. 

For example, do you have thoughts of suicide? 

Urges to harm yourself? 

Thoughts of harming other people? 

Problems with violent behavior?[sic] 

What symptoms or behaviors[sic] do you have that put you most at risk of harming yourself or others? 

These will be the targets of your safety plan, so it is important that you think carefully about what behaviors[sic] you may need to plan for.

Along with evaluating your risk, you should evaluate whether there are factors that may be increasing your risk of completing a suicide or harming others. 

For example, are there firearms in your home? 

Are there medications in your house that could be used in a suicide attempt? 

Are there other items that might make it easier for you to harm yourself or others?

If you answered yes, you need to work with your therapist on a plan to get rid of these items or to reduce the likelihood that you will use them. 

For example, can you get your medications prescribed in smaller quantities? 

Can you leave firearms at the police station?"

(*Doesn't everyone have thoughts of suicide?

...Well, okay, i have them every day at the moment...and almost complete my plans when something comes along to knock me further down than i already am...

*URGES to hurt myself?...varies from moment to moment but it is a daily occurrence just now as i try to get through the day. I have come to the conclusion that making it through the day with cuts or burns is better than not making it through the day at all...although, this thought is very often turned on it's head inside my head.

*Harming others?...i have dreams of harming -very badly- people who have hurt me...like the ones described in flashbacks in other parts of this blog...i dream with the flashbacks of the actual events but then the ending twists to me hurting them and 'winning' ...and i wake up feeling horrible and like a bad person, even though it was only a dream...

*Violent behaviours? ...i am very violent towards myself and only myself...(though i may throw a phone/ipod etc in anger) ...i mostly only punch/cut/burn etc myself.

*I am pretty impulsive and that is a bit of a worry for me...i worry that if too many overwhelming things come along at once then i will reach for that rope...

**My flat has no firearms...not very many of them in the UK really i guess...

**I have a great many medications but will not be getting them in smaller amounts as this means more trips out of the flat which means more cutting and burning as it's the only way i can get out of the door these days...besides i don't think i'd ever take them all as i have -sadly- researched the statistics for overdosing in this country and the chances are high that i'd be found and kept alive and probably than a worse-off state than i am already...)

***

"Identify Triggers for High-Risk Behaviors
Once you have a list of the behaviors or symptoms that put you at risk of harm, identify the events, situations, people, thoughts, or feelings that trigger those behaviors or symptoms.

For example, many people with BPD have abandonment sensitivity, which makes experiences of real or perceived abandonment very painful. For those individuals who suffer from this symptom, abandonment experiences may trigger suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming others. Think about the events or thoughts that tend to trigger urges to engage in harmful behaviors [sic] for you, and create a list of triggers."

***

 

"Make a Safety Plan for Coping Resources
Now, identify how you can respond to your triggers in ways that will keep you safe. These will be coping resources that you will use before your symptoms become so intense that you are having a mental health crisis.

Make a list of coping skills that you are familiar with and that work for you, as well as sources of social support, and people/places that can help you if you need it. For example, do you use mindfulness skills when you are starting to have negative thoughts about yourself, and do these skills help you to let go of negative thoughts before urges to harm yourself begin to happen? Do you have a friend you can call who is a good source of support when you are down?

Next, write down things you will do if your coping resources do not work and you experience a mental health emergency or crisis (e.g., your urges to harm get to the point that you are at immediate risk of committing suicide or to harming or killing someone else). Is there a hospital nearby that you can drive to? Do you have an emergency phone number on hand (e.g., in the U.S., the National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255)? If you are not sure what you could do in an emergency, read this article:

 Write Out Your Safety Plan
Now it is time to put it all together. You have a list of your risk behaviors [sic], your triggers, ways you can cope before symptoms become too intense, and ways you will respond in the case of an emergency. Put these all together to give yourself a step-by-step plan of action.

For each risk behavior [sic], write out the triggers for that behavior [sic], the coping responses you could engage in if you experience a trigger, and what you will do if the coping responses do not work and you begin to experience an emergency situation. Continue until you have a safety plan for all of the risk behaviors [sic] you identified."

Behaviour      Trigger                                       Coping response

Self Harm      Too many emotions at once      Sort through things in small parts
Self Harm      Feeling numb                            Talk to another human being
Not eating      Feeling worthless                      Think of positive things about self (!)

"Make a Safety Plan Commitment
The last step is to make a commitment to your safety plan. This means committing to yourself that you will follow this plan when the need arises, and then committing out loud to someone else (e.g., your therapist) that you will follow this plan. This is also called “contracting for safety.” In fact, sometimes your therapist will have you actually sign a statement saying you will follow the plan."

Lies people tell

do things actually ever get better?
Or is this, as i suspect, one of those stupid phrases that means nothing?

Films about Borderline Personality Disorder/Self Harm/MentaMil Health in General

American Beauty
Silver Linings Playbook

Prozac Nation
Hush
The Smokers
Forrest Gump
Zelig
After Hours
The Truman Show
Manic
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
Mad Love
Taxi Driver
Mixed Nuts
Monster
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Blue Sky

The Fountainhead
Boogie Nights
White Oleander
Mommie Dearest
Raging Bull
Girl, Interrupted
What Lies Beneath
Now, Voyager
Girl (1998)
Body Heat
The Egyptian
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Ordinary People
The Cell

Chloe
Black Swan
World's Greatest Dad
Sleeping Dogs Lie
Margot at the Wedding

Party Monster

Rachel Getting Married

Greenberg

28 Days
Betty Blue
Gia
Fatal Attraction
Sophie's Choice
Single White FemaleAmerican Psycho
Sleeping with the Enemy
Basic Instinct
Black Widow
The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds 
All About Eve
Hush, Hush, Sweet Charlotte
Play Misty for Me
Borderline
Henry & June
Breakfast at Tiffany's
After Hours
Frances
Looking for Mr. Goodbar
A Streetcar Named Desire
Dangerous Liasons
Memento
Borderline Normal
Obsessed
Thirteen

my failings and giving in to self harm