The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy ~Douglas Adams

• We live in strange times.
  We also live in strange places: each in a universe of our own. The people with whom we populate our universes are the shadows of whole other universes intersecting with our own. Being able to glance out into this bewildering complexity of infinite recursion and say thing like, "Oh, hi, Ed! Nice tan. How's Carol?" involves a great deal of filtering skill for which all conscious entities have eventually to develop a capacity in order to protect themselves from the comtemplation of the chaos through which they see the and world tumble. So give your kid a break, okay?; Extract from Practical Parenting in a Fractally Demented Universe

• The universe is a lot more complicated than you might think even if you start from a position of thinking that its pretty damn complicated to begin with. - Mostly Harmless, The Guide, Mark II

• If I had two heads like you, Zaphod, I could have hours of fun banging them against a wall.
  • Radio Series.

• "It goes like this. Let's see now: 'Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen.' That's it. It's what you pray silently inside yourself anyway, so you may as well have it out in the open."
  Arthur: "Hmmm, Well, thank you - "
  Old Man: "There's another prayer that goes with it that's very important, so you'd better jot this down, too."
  Arthur: "OK."
  Old Man: "It goes, 'Lord, lord, lord...' It's best to put that bit in, just in case. You can never be too sure. 'Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer. Amen...' And that's it. Most of the trouble people get into in life comes from missing out that last part.'" - Old Man Oracle's prayer given to Arthur Dent

• The oracle hit himself on the thumb and began speaking in tongues. - The oracle as he is hammering a nail

• Old woman Oracle: "Can you help me pull out the photocopier?"
  Arthur: "What?"
  OWO: "The photocopier. It's solar-powered, but I have to keep it in the cave so the birds don't shit on it." 

***HHGTTG Radio Series***

• ...and he would then enter the long dark teatime of the soul. - (about Wowbagger, the Infinitely Prolonged)

• "Where God Went Wrong", "Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes", "Who is this God Person Anyway?" and "Well That About Wraps It Up for God". - The four books on God by 'Oolon Colluphid'

• [I've been] In a deep dark hole. I climbed out because I started to like it too much. ~Marvin

• It can be very dangerous to see things from someone else's point of view without the proper training.

Physical torture and mental agony CRPS and BPD

i am lost.

i am not me.

Why do the doctors think i am lying and hold back pain meds and say i am on max when i am not?

i can't call GP to ask for an appointment, don't have enough meds to eat them like sweets, what's left?

i can't take my mum with me to a GP appointment and say that i am so sore and destroyed that suicide seems the best solution for EVERYONE. 

It's horrific enough that i have messaged my sister and my friend to say anything (without actually using the word suicide because that's just disgusting of me!) but this pain is unbelievable and i can't stand it! 

i feel like i've been SCREAMING AT THEM FOR YEARS AND THEY ARE NOT LISTENING. 

My sister came with me to almost all of my orthopedic appointments and she did not let them leave until we understood what was said (i let docs leave without understandingbecause i feel like i should understand and know and trust them and shut the fuck up -much like i feel just now!

 i am grateful she came and i have leant heavily on her for far far too much and too long and she would be better off without me.

But... i need help shouting again...or even speaking. 

i don't know who else to ask.

Six years! i don't know whether to laugh or cry...

CRPS and my mental state have me on the edge

Folks I am so so sorry if this comes across as negative but I've been trapped in my flat for 23 days now. I was officially given a CRPS diagnosis in 2010 -and have a fair few other conditions-1 of which last required hospitalisation last year -the ONLY TIME in more than a decade where I met a doctor who somewhat understood CRPS and gave me a different/extra pain med.) My GP seems to think I'm pretending <I have BPD -borderline personality disorder- and my psychiatrist seems to think they aren't withholding meds but that my BPD just makes me think that they are> I have been FLAT OUT LAUGHED AT by a GP (sadly, this has happened more than once) I don't like calling or bothering people -I don't post on my Facebook anymore because I don't want to bring others down...

You understand, I'm sure, that nobody would pretend to be sore and speak to nobody for more than 3 weeks. This is the worst it has been since I can remember-which I sort of can't today, my brain has melted.

I don't know what to do anymore 

Too sore today

I have had CRPS symptoms since I was young and then in Jan 2010 I sledged into a tree, I was formally diagnosed with CRPS in the aftermath. (Doctors in hospital had also spoken about "musculoskeletal" pain/problems/ disorders... Do these things go hand in hand?!)

I also have CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome)/ more commonly known as M.E.

I have been told I am on the maximum painkillers and nerve medications I can be... I spend so many days staring at walls (today is one of them).

Doctors have washed their hands of me.

I no longer call the GP. The impact this isolation is having on my mental health is horrendous. 

Today, the wall is full of monsters. I wish they were real and would just put me out of this pain-filled day. 

People are shouting and swearing outside, come night it turns to fights. Often they are serious and I know of at least a handful of incidents treated as attempted murder, right outside my window. Less than a year since a -sadly, very sadly- 'successful' murder. (Not that I can see outside my window anymore... I just lie here in my body's daft joke with me telling my brain that I am wrapped in flames).

I freakishly wish those who would like to take the life of someone else would just open my door.

Mother of a Monster

i shook her hand on Sunday. 

i said "peace be with you".

i even addressed her by name when saying it.

i looked her in the eye when shaking her hand.

My mum warned me immediately after she was told the rota had been changed. 

i told my mum that it was fine, that that woman didn't do anything;

that i, in fact, felt kind of sorry for her for knowing that her son was a monster...

But i am not okay now;

It is tearing me apart.

Circumventing the fact that I'm done

What can I do?

I just want to forget...

well, not forget, just not not care or I guess I just want to, I'd say "be normal" but that doesn't exist.

I'm sick of being checked out.

I'm sick of being a burden.

Pain condition complex medical diagnonsenses YET MY UNDOING IS FROM MY OWN HEAD

I suffer* from a few medical conditions and the greatest hit is my mental health -they are all true but I am close to several people telling me they are not and I am very much struggling to keep my head above the parapet.

*even using the word suffer makes me cringe...ok I can't walk unaided and I'm sore and I don't have a day without pain...but there are people in this world with NOTHING. People starving to death. People so mistreated I could never properly contemplate it. People abandoned LITERALLY at the side of a road, left to die because they have become too difficult for that family to care for...

 

Thirty three Thoughts

Thirty three thoughts flood my brain, head and mind,

A tear streams from my eye and I wipe it away,

What part of "no!" do you not understand?

Just sit beside me and hold my hand.

Don't talk about my like I'm not in the room,

Inside I am broken, dreadful thoughts loom.

Hanging on to a ledge by the tips of my fingers,

The world crushes many and that thought always lingers,

Complete strangers to me, our paths have never crossed,

A glimpse of a headline; from my heart they're never lost.

Physics and suicide *pos T*

If all things fall at the same rate and what not, it wouldn't matter how fat i am or how many more floors up i were...

But it does and it will and it would and it's still horrific for too many others - why can't it just be me who gets killed by a maniac and not some nice, innocent, useful, helpful person?

Distraction 1

TOPIC

Film Quotes

Independence Day (1996)

"Y'know, this was supposed to be my weekend off. But no! You got me out here, draggin' your heavy ass, through the burnin' desert, with your dreadlocks sticking out the back of my parachute. You gotta come down here with an attitude, actin' all big and bad. And what the hell is that smell?! [screams and kicks the alien] I could've been at a barbecue! But I ain't mad." ~

*BANG!* (punches alien in the face)

"Welcome to earth" ~

This broken world is breaking me

Someone, tell me, how do we fix this world? Why does my heart pound in my ears and my body ache when I see anything anywhere... How did it become 2016 and instead of fighting to live and bring home our kill to merely get by, this world looks to an alien passerby as though it is not going backwards, but...worse than that. SERIOUSLY, why can't we just share all of the world's resources and love... Don't tell me just to pray... It's breaking me and I think the glue from the last time I shattered wasn't as strong as the one before... It REALLY IS THAT SIMPLE. LOVE. If we all ACTUALLY LOVED war would be a strange word in history lessons... How can we be on a planet where people are starving to death and damaged massively from malnutrition whilst others are dying from obesity? I just can't do this.

Yet another UTI and I could just scream

This is ONLY JUST May and I'm in DOUBLE DIGITS for number of UTIs this year... My head is telling me that if I hammer my shin (that's a funny word!) then I won't feel the pain in my vajayjay  so badly...

I can't even type or make sense or do much of anything atm... LOL ATM -that's what people in America call the cash machine outside a bank etc -in Glasgow, and nearby, we call it "the hole in the wall" I kid you not...

Distractions from pain...typing utter gibberish...

Peace in this world, PLEASE.

You know the question you're asked as a child "if you had 3 wishes what would they be"...

Seriously, only need one.

That everyone would just LOVE...

It really is THAT SIMPLE...

People CHOOSE to complicate it and it breaks my heart

Coloboma and me

*I have UNILATERAL (in one eye only) COLOBOMA (the eye did not form fully) of the IRIS, RETINA, OPTIC NERVE and CHOROID.

*The SAME eye is microphthalmic (small eye) and has nystagmus (fast to-and-fro movements of the eyes).

*I also developed a VERY noticeable strabismus (squint) which was surgically corrected when I was 26; it was highly unlikely to self-correct since there was not enough vision there to pull it in the other direction. 

I am completely blind in that eye. 

My mum and dad were given a ghastly prognosis (good old scary eighties! LOL!) 

They were told I'd be delayed in every way possible -and would be lucky to hit ANY milestones etc etc; they were told I'd NEVER go to mainstream schooling etc and would ALWAYS need cared for...

Well I went to a nursery school for blind and partially-sighted kids and apparently hit a great many milestones well before expected...particularly emotional ones *i was the wee girl who was always checking everyone got a turn with the ball/whatever game we were playing* LOL

I went to mainstream schools and was in the top classes of every subject with the exception of sports -I just can't get the hang of depth perception and so would completely plummet in mood (and I MADE SURE that EVERYONE knew it!Hahahaa!!) *however, thinking back, I didnt try mich and because of my visual impairment, teachers were afraid to push me.. I'd just blame my vision/lack thereof when i couldn't be bothered or didn't like something...i got let off with SOOOO much!!

anyhoo...after high school, I then went to (mainstream) university and gained an honours degree in music.

I live in my own flat. 

Alone. 

Well, with pets...lol.

I drive...

I'm so grateful to my parents and siblings and other family members...they supported me AND knew when tough love was the way to do it!!

I don't know how they did it!!

No children so my opinions aren't valid?!

I was basically, no...let me start again.

I was flat-out told this.

Actually, I have been told this on more occasions than I can recall...and what with post traumatic stress disorder locking my ass at the moment o don't even want to TRY to recall any that aren't already whipping me right back in time, place and all senses...

I'm not angry about being told this; it just hurts.

I'm 'only' an aunt so all of my nieces and nephews have been told a great many times to simply ignore anything I've said.

It often hasn't been made clear to them that it's only for whatever issue my siblings and I obviously disagree on.

At the moment, I have one niece who is hurting my heart sooooo much! 

She'll just completely ignore me.

She could be about to walk into a wall and I try to help her but she just freaking blanks me!!!!!

Then, today, she ignored something my mum asked of her. I feel dreadful for having that make me feel slightly better!!!!

My head is so warped and twisted.

What a horrible daughter I am!

What a horrible thing to have happened to my mum, and on Mother's Day too!

(Oh but then I'm NOT a mother and today only served to drive their point deeper into my messed up mind!)

I'm sick of being a waste of space.

I'm sick of being a nothing.

Posting publicly about my messy head

I mean, under my own name.

I still have palpitations...

I posted it at the end of January.

Right to life

I often - and I MEAN often - (take just now for example, it's nearing 2 in the morning and I'm wondering! ...This LITERALLY KEEPS ME AWAKE!) wonder/worry about how many people are 'missing' from:

our world; my age group; the continent I am on; the country I call home; the city I call home; places I have visited ...

Would I have met the people who didn't get a chance at life because they were seen as 'DISPOSABLE'? Would they have been my friend? Would they have made me feel less alien/alone? Would one of them have been the father of my children???

Does this (of course it most certainly does!) mean that there's a knock on effect and because I have no children, another generation will be EVEN MORE LACKING???!

Seriously, keeps me up...

Then, of course, my mind has thought of that within a fraction of a second...but sparked off a zillion paths weeping for the family I never even knew I missed -not because they didn't survive from an accident, but purposefully...

I actually have cried for them -have I had cousins who were torn to shreds in the place they should have been most safe? 

Then there are the males who DON'T KNOW they've had children that weren't given a chance... 

How can we allow this to happen and to continue. 

My heart hurts.

My head is SWIMMING.

So too are my eyes now...

Meltdown called crisis

Called the number I was given for mental health crisis last week (I think)... They said they were going to call me back on the 3rd of Feb. So I called another number and got my psychiatrist's Personal Assistant ... I never call for help. I barely ask for help. Psych called me even though she only works one day a week and that wasn't one of them.

She asked if I could stay with my sister. I did just that night...

Now? I'm worse than ever.

I have had flashbacks and nightmares and now I'm lost in them.

I see no anything. No future. Nothing. I'm just so helpless and a total inconvenience.

I'm drowning and completely empty inside and everyone else everyone is ok and "life goes on" ... But ... I have no life, it's completely messed up beyond the beyonds.

I tried explaining it but I'm going round in circles and I just end up back here every time.

Some people can try and say it'll be ok or whatever, that they know what it's like... 

Umm really? 

You don't get it!

 I don't get it!!

I wish I could just go somewhere and stop existing - one bit of pain to anyone that might feel that (and I feel fucking big headed thinking I'd be of any significance to anyone to cause them any anything)...

I can't even cut.

Punching yeah ok and that's it and that's all.

I don't care if someone has to deal with all the clutter I've collected. Or finding me. But I can't.

Can't even leave right.

Idiot.

Nobody could possibly hate anyone more than I hate me.

Panic meltdown

Ok, MAJOR meltdown occurring...

I don't want to TRIGGER anyone but I do not know what to do.

The services in Glasgow all changed and some people were given the crisis numbers and others, not -I was not...

Been bumbling along...

Managed to switch my brain off just to get from one appointment to the next but now I'm ...I don't know. And I don't know what to do. I called the only number I have and I am getting an emergency call on the 3rd of Feb...??!

Is it JUST ME or is that forever away??

The police are swarmed about outside because a 21year old was murdered on Saturday. Was trying to hold it together but the to licensing people came to door and are dressed very similar to police. 

I knew the boy...ok, young man... It was his brother that was my shadow because he was partially sighted and really struggling with bullies...i was working -they were kids in group. I'm having all sorts of flashbacks now.

Heart is pounding and in ears and temples.

I can't go out.

I fought outside for a long time but now??????!

And now this tv man barging way into flat and being rude?? 

I don't want to be in these flats.

I can't even think about how I could move (physically I'd need to rely on others) and now I'm more melty than ever. And I don't even know where to start or how...

I've been sick now.

This is just dreadful.

Nothing brings that poor boy back to his brother and I'm just being a whiny idiot.

"There's been a murder" (in Glasgow's East End)

That phrase from Taggart (what a good actor!) broad Glaswegian and you just KNEW you were going to get a great storyline...

It's now rather odd...

1. Taggart continues WITHOUT Taggart (he passed away OUTWITH a plot line..I mean, in real life...) I have NO IDEA how they put it into the show because I don't think I watched it again without him in it.

2. Yet another murder in Glasgow. This one, this time yesterday. Heaven knows what was unfolding but IN BROAD DAYLIGHT RIGHT OUTSIDE MY ADJACENT FLAT ENTRANCE, a boy (21...barely an adult, but yes,

Ok, a young adult male) was found fighting for his life.

3. He did not win that fight.

4. He lived a bit of an old-before-his-time life...his gran and mum had passed away and he lived with his girlfriend -so the media circus says.

...the girlfriend will be the owner of the shrieks and wails I heard then? God love her!

Nobody NOBODY deserves to have such an horrific thing happen, the ripples ad consequences are far beyond what you could imagine. 

4. I did not m is him and yet today it is swimming round my head and I've had about 2 hours of sleep. I feel sick. I DID NOT KNOW HIM. Is this BPD? Is this the monster in my head? I CANNOT STEP FOOT OUT OF MY DOOR. I won't allow my sister to come pick me up. I told my mum I'm never leaving the flat again -slight exaggeration obviously --and I told her so! A step forward! Normally I completely mean it!

My poor mum must be worried I'll nosedive and return to my hermitage...

She only lives through the trees.

This is the stuff from films isn't it?

It's not supposed to happen. Certainly not RIGHT THERE...I'm literally looking at 20 police officers!

This is not the first murder here. It's not the first in the few years I've lived here. It still haunts and horrifies me. It's the stuff of nightmares. 

In the very early hours of this morning I could hear yet more grief pouring out. Wails and sobs of a damaged heart. Grief that cannot be tamed just outside my window...this is just one death? This world is so, so broken... I cannot even imagine the places in the world where it isn't safe to step a foot out of place (or even step foot!) A relative/friend had clearly just arrived... My heart hurts for them...nobody deserves that...nobody.

Glasgow housing association have been staying that the crime records have been WAAAY down and what not to get people to move into these flats -and, yes, it is petty things that have been grinding my gears...but this??!! This?! Poor boy!

Sandyhills. Had a bad reputation - then went quiet now... This?!

I thought they'd be gone by morning - wrong! 

New Year, New Mess

My diary finished in December so I have well and truly messed up what appointments are when. I have a couple of appointment cards but that's it; there are almost 20 departments I belong to spread over five hospitals and then there's stuff over and above that -more eye appointments and physios and...

Well... I haven't a clue when they are -and I can't call places at the best of times regardless of the fact that it's going to be a "hi I'm a frikkin idiot and I don't know when any of my appointments are"... AND THEN???! I have to make the call over and over???

I can't.

My cheeky cat is cuddling me now. He knows when I'm struggling.

Ah 1pm... I need to sleep and stop this melting head. 

Two thousand and sixteen

*~* 2016 *~*

Start as you mean to go on and all that...

I'm a complete and utter mess. I have a migraine so this will be short.

The world is a mess. The rich continue to be grossly rich in comparison to the poor. There's not much I can do to help. Is it not a fact that I ADD to the theft of food in a pretty roundabout and backwards way from the struggling in this country.

Other countries however, there are some that ...

I can't.

I just can't.