Physical torture and mental agony CRPS and BPD

i am lost.

i am not me.

Why do the doctors think i am lying and hold back pain meds and say i am on max when i am not?

i can't call GP to ask for an appointment, don't have enough meds to eat them like sweets, what's left?

i can't take my mum with me to a GP appointment and say that i am so sore and destroyed that suicide seems the best solution for EVERYONE. 

It's horrific enough that i have messaged my sister and my friend to say anything (without actually using the word suicide because that's just disgusting of me!) but this pain is unbelievable and i can't stand it! 

i feel like i've been SCREAMING AT THEM FOR YEARS AND THEY ARE NOT LISTENING. 

My sister came with me to almost all of my orthopedic appointments and she did not let them leave until we understood what was said (i let docs leave without understandingbecause i feel like i should understand and know and trust them and shut the fuck up -much like i feel just now!

 i am grateful she came and i have leant heavily on her for far far too much and too long and she would be better off without me.

But... i need help shouting again...or even speaking. 

i don't know who else to ask.

Six years! i don't know whether to laugh or cry...