Meltdown called crisis

Called the number I was given for mental health crisis last week (I think)... They said they were going to call me back on the 3rd of Feb. So I called another number and got my psychiatrist's Personal Assistant ... I never call for help. I barely ask for help. Psych called me even though she only works one day a week and that wasn't one of them.

She asked if I could stay with my sister. I did just that night...

Now? I'm worse than ever.

I have had flashbacks and nightmares and now I'm lost in them.

I see no anything. No future. Nothing. I'm just so helpless and a total inconvenience.

I'm drowning and completely empty inside and everyone else everyone is ok and "life goes on" ... But ... I have no life, it's completely messed up beyond the beyonds.

I tried explaining it but I'm going round in circles and I just end up back here every time.

Some people can try and say it'll be ok or whatever, that they know what it's like... 

Umm really? 

You don't get it!

 I don't get it!!

I wish I could just go somewhere and stop existing - one bit of pain to anyone that might feel that (and I feel fucking big headed thinking I'd be of any significance to anyone to cause them any anything)...

I can't even cut.

Punching yeah ok and that's it and that's all.

I don't care if someone has to deal with all the clutter I've collected. Or finding me. But I can't.

Can't even leave right.

Idiot.

Nobody could possibly hate anyone more than I hate me.