their last visit was daily for a fortnight through new year...i did not wish to see 2013 -yet here i am....and it's very much thanks to them.
but right now it's not a thankful thanks, rather, a sarcastic one...
On the 4th of Feb i had had 2 nights without sleep and knew i was struggling and thought the best thing to do was ask for help (more fool me!)...my 'point of contact in a crisis' -accoring to the crisis support worker i had, who is the head of this side of the city!, is my social woker.
i have had very many many low days since September 2012....more low days than good days...and possibly even more sad days than i've accumulated in the 28years i've breathed for myself...
but to me, the social worker seems scary -she is very curt on the phone (as i'm sure she HAS to be in order to get all the work done she needs to) and i know she has a heavy caseload -hey! It's the NHS who doesn't?!...i've NEVER called her on a bad day...not even on days where i had been sitting in the dark for hours holding a noose i'd made from rope i'd got from B&Q...or on the days i went to B&Q to get the rope even -the crisis team asked permission to remove it...
Nor did i call her on the day i'd made the noose, after 3 days without sleep and had tied it to a rafter...just as the crisis team arrived as luck would have it -sarcastic, ironic luck though...today -i'm in that bad place once again...and so well aware that the crisis team took my 'good' ropes (i.e. the ones that would hold my weight...and the one i've been left with...well...it might not...)
i got through my first big big crisis when i'd made a noose, i got through the second 'crisis' on my birthday -the day i'd chosen thinking it was the least selfish thing i could do for anyone left behind who might be angry -at least it'd only be one day a year i made them angry on...i got through new year and made it into 2013 against all my mixed-up-brain's better/logically illogical judgement...
Then came Monday the 4th of February 2013...
Having had no sleep for 2 nights and entering day 3 I knew i wasn't in a 'good' place/a 'good' frame of mind...i knew i needed a hand...and crisis had told me to call social worker...i managed to call her place of work and the receptionist said she was with a client and would get her to call me back when she was finished....4 hours later...i called again...they said she was out of the building...i called a little while later but was making precious little sense and could feel the words getting stuck in my head and not even making it to my mouth...so when i managed to call a fourth time i explained that i'd had crisis out 3 times in the past 5 months and they'd said that in a crisis it is this woman i contact (thinking they'd go get her or someone else who could help)...this never happened...
Whilst all this was happening i had also called my psychotherapist and her receptionist said she was with a client and would get back to me...true to her work, the receptionist returned my call to give me a new appointment to meet with psychotherapist -AT A LATER DATE THAN WAS ON THE ARRANGED SCHEDULE...
ALL OF THE ABOVE formed into a thought in my head that they all wanted me to kill myself so as to be off their caseloads and save their time, effort, energy, paperwork...give someone worthwhile my flat, save electricity, money, save the government the benefits they pay me as i'm too ill to work at the moment...
I began popping the blister packs of my medications (of which i have 2 drawers-full...well...had) i popped almost all of the tablets onto the carpet and was overwhelmed with utter peace...
this was it...
this was what i was supposed to do and i'd been putting it off -no wonder i'd been living as though i was being tormented -i'd overstayed my welcome...but no longer would that be the case...
...i put all the pills into one big box and at 02:30 i started taking the tablets with a mix of milk, water diluting juice..whatever really i guess...
i called out of hours Clinical Psychiatric Nurses at about 4am when I started feeling ridiculously dizzy and realised my sister had said she might visit in the morning with my 3 year old nephew...
...knowing it would possibly be my sister who'd find me had kept me from taking my own life a great many times...but not that time...i had gone beyond caring...but my 3 year old nephew???!!...
...They called back at4.45and ambulance arrived at 5
...knowing it would possibly be my sister who'd find me had kept me from taking my own life a great many times...but not that time...i had gone beyond caring...but my 3 year old nephew???!!...
...They called back at4.45and ambulance arrived at 5
I had continued during this time with ingesting the tablets and had taken more than half of all the pills i am prescribed...i think i took the last one at about 04:30 when i just couldn't take any more...
it was at this point, i picked up a blade.
i felt like such a waster -and now i've wasted a CPN's time, an ambulance, ambulance staff...oh jeez and then i'd get to hospital and even more time and effort would be wasted on me, a waster... i cut and cut and cut...
i don't really remember much of paramedics being in the flat...i remember letting them in and it being 2 males and me being OK with that and being aware that i was OK with that (not 'normal' for me)...i remember them saying they'd been called out to an OD and so why was i bleeding...i remember saying sorry over and over and over again and saying i'd cut myself because i was wasting everyone's time...i remember them saying i wasn't...i remember suddenly being in the ambulance and hugging my giraffe teddy i'd refused to let go of -but that they were quite happy with it...i remember being laughed at in resus for having it...and it being like a swirly nightmare where everything was slowed down and everyone came by to look and point and laugh at me...this was not helped by the fact that i was sooking a dummy -the only way i've managed to get to sleep for months...
The next thing i remember is waking up in a ward and a nurse being smiley and nice and i felt ok..weird, but ok... 'til i remembered what i'd done...
i remember the fleeting thought of...
...maybe now they'll see me and I'll stop being cling film??? Maybe??
...and my head answering...probably not you idiot...
I was consumed with anger shortly thereafter... i called for help too early...
i was on a cocktail of drips.. the round dr popped his behind my curtain and asked how I was feeling, to which i replied "good" he asked again so i said "ok"... i wasn't to see him...i was waiting on a Clinical Psychiatric Nurse and when she arrived she said she saw me in October 2012 in A&E but i couldn't remember her...had an ECG this morning which came back as "borderline abnormal"...nobody really explained anything about what this may mean. Round dr was hopeful I'd get out that afternoon..everything was dependant on the CPN -she said she'd call my psychotherapist and social worker... to be honest i think they'll let me home...i was a bit torn...if they thought i needed to go somewhere else -like a place for folk who wanted to kill themselves all the time...well...that seemed scary...but if i'd to stay there much longer i'd've needed to tell my sister where i was...and I did't want to...but if i were to go home...???...
the first question the CPN asked was if i was still feeling suicidal...i thought it best to be hinest...so i said yes...i was discharged a few hours later and she NEVER DID COME BACK to tell me what my social worker or psychologist said...
...in my head...they said i should've done it right first time...
...i had messaged a couple of friends at the time when i'd OD'd to say i'd taken too many tablets and that i was sorry - one rang straight away and stayed chatting with me til ambulance came...she also went on a 6hour train journey just to see me at visiting time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We talked about possibly 'splaining to my family...i came to the conclusion that it would be epically detrimental I think...
it was at this point, i picked up a blade.
i felt like such a waster -and now i've wasted a CPN's time, an ambulance, ambulance staff...oh jeez and then i'd get to hospital and even more time and effort would be wasted on me, a waster... i cut and cut and cut...
i don't really remember much of paramedics being in the flat...i remember letting them in and it being 2 males and me being OK with that and being aware that i was OK with that (not 'normal' for me)...i remember them saying they'd been called out to an OD and so why was i bleeding...i remember saying sorry over and over and over again and saying i'd cut myself because i was wasting everyone's time...i remember them saying i wasn't...i remember suddenly being in the ambulance and hugging my giraffe teddy i'd refused to let go of -but that they were quite happy with it...i remember being laughed at in resus for having it...and it being like a swirly nightmare where everything was slowed down and everyone came by to look and point and laugh at me...this was not helped by the fact that i was sooking a dummy -the only way i've managed to get to sleep for months...
The next thing i remember is waking up in a ward and a nurse being smiley and nice and i felt ok..weird, but ok... 'til i remembered what i'd done...
i remember the fleeting thought of...
...maybe now they'll see me and I'll stop being cling film??? Maybe??
...and my head answering...probably not you idiot...
I was consumed with anger shortly thereafter... i called for help too early...
i was on a cocktail of drips.. the round dr popped his behind my curtain and asked how I was feeling, to which i replied "good" he asked again so i said "ok"... i wasn't to see him...i was waiting on a Clinical Psychiatric Nurse and when she arrived she said she saw me in October 2012 in A&E but i couldn't remember her...had an ECG this morning which came back as "borderline abnormal"...nobody really explained anything about what this may mean. Round dr was hopeful I'd get out that afternoon..everything was dependant on the CPN -she said she'd call my psychotherapist and social worker... to be honest i think they'll let me home...i was a bit torn...if they thought i needed to go somewhere else -like a place for folk who wanted to kill themselves all the time...well...that seemed scary...but if i'd to stay there much longer i'd've needed to tell my sister where i was...and I did't want to...but if i were to go home...???...
the first question the CPN asked was if i was still feeling suicidal...i thought it best to be hinest...so i said yes...i was discharged a few hours later and she NEVER DID COME BACK to tell me what my social worker or psychologist said...
...in my head...they said i should've done it right first time...
...i had messaged a couple of friends at the time when i'd OD'd to say i'd taken too many tablets and that i was sorry - one rang straight away and stayed chatting with me til ambulance came...she also went on a 6hour train journey just to see me at visiting time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We talked about possibly 'splaining to my family...i came to the conclusion that it would be epically detrimental I think...
My
dad would say I'm a disappointment, mum would wonder how I could do
this to her and give her such a showing up, my eldest sis would try to say
how she had written suicide notes2years ago and has asked me to read the
one she wrote to me one night when she was drunk and my other sis might not want me round her kids anymore or help me -and she's the only person who i can call to bring me milk etc if i need it -i try not to though...she has 3 babies...
...but it'd be mostly all turned round wrong ... Does that make sense?
if they ever find out....
mum and dad would be more disappointed in me than themslves, which is probably what a lot of people would think they'd place blame etc...
if they ever find out....
mum and dad would be more disappointed in me than themslves, which is probably what a lot of people would think they'd place blame etc...
Mum's told me so when she's been drunk many a time...as has my sis...she's also told me mum drinks because of me -which, deep down i know is true...she never was a drinker til i told about bad things that happened in the past...
i'm sure they still love me and what not...but...
well...
i hate me...
a friend asked what do i need help with -from getting dressed to getting back to full health...
That thought makes me have a meltdown
i'm sure they still love me and what not...but...
well...
i hate me...
a friend asked what do i need help with -from getting dressed to getting back to full health...
That thought makes me have a meltdown
It's too much that needs fixed now
i'm too broken
Meltdown occurring even now as i try to type -it's taken 2 weeks to type this so far...
My heart is racing...
i was asked to call my GP the next day...i did so...and, as per,the receptionist wanted to know why (Hate that) GP called back I explained I was asked by crisis team to call them to explain that I took all my meds, have been treated for that but now need meds...
he wanted me to come over to surgery -does the word agoraphobia mean frick all to you people?!!!
i was asked to call my GP the next day...i did so...and, as per,the receptionist wanted to know why (Hate that) GP called back I explained I was asked by crisis team to call them to explain that I took all my meds, have been treated for that but now need meds...
he wanted me to come over to surgery -does the word agoraphobia mean frick all to you people?!!!
They
want me there IN PERSON to explain how I'm a NON-PERSON I hate outside
Was hoping sister would be free (and child-free) and she could come in with me and I
wouldn't have to keep re-telling everyone how much of a waster I am
she wasn't free -she was
drawing the parent council draw...i said she might want to come with me
and come in with me and that it was important She said sorry, would if I
could
i explained i had GP at 11 and would like her to come with me and come
IN with me...
...Something i've never allowed anyone to do since i was 14 and there were MANY ARGUMENTS in the house over it so there's no way she'd've forgotten...she must've realised something was weird...
anyway, she didn't come.
and when i got to surgery the place was sooooooo busy -it was horrible.
i arranged and re-arranged the leaflets...it felt like i'd been waiting for weeks...
When the dr i was due to see eventually got to me he started the consultation by telling me i'd tried to commit suicide many times...i got very angry very quickly because this is a blatant lie -that was my first and only OD (thus far)...he then brought up and scrolled through my notes on the computer and read over them for what seemed like ages. He then explained that all of the self harm i've ever done done (been cutting and burning since the age of 14) counted as what is known in this country as 'para-suicide', and that the medical profession did not draw a distinction between attempted suicide and para-suicide...i was raging at the fact that there are 2 categories 1.para-suicide and 2.suicide and told him 'Oh, don't worry, next time I'll make sure i fall into the other category.'. He told me i couldn't hve been very serious about ending my life anyway because i'd only need to mix 2 of my meds and that would be job done as it would wreck my liver....to which i said "duly noted"...
...sent away yet again feeling like a waster of all sorts...oxygen, time, money, compassion -nah, scrap the last one...
why is there no help when they say there is? Why are they not helping me but saying I have to help myself? Why don't they 'get' that EVERY DAY where I don't jump out the window IS me being strong? Just being is...i dunno what an adequate word is to describe just being...
meds were put on weekly dispense - I CANNOT GO OUT THE FLAT WITHOUT nxsjkclsdjknlfhsida fhsukdfhjd fguergfriuefgviuefg eiufg8we 9 and breathe!) CUTTING MY ARM OR LEG TO FRICK....no pharmacy would take me on for delivery coz they kept saying it was for over 80s (not true!)...then i found one that would take me on, put most meds in a dosette box AND deliver...i cried when they said they would...
p.s. apparently when I was vomiting and it was green one of the trainee-doctors asked another the one they were shadowing which medication would've made it all turn green and I promptly stopped vomiting, laughed at her, and told her I was re-enacting a scene from the exorcist then returned to being sick...and they were all peeing themselves...
...Something i've never allowed anyone to do since i was 14 and there were MANY ARGUMENTS in the house over it so there's no way she'd've forgotten...she must've realised something was weird...
anyway, she didn't come.
and when i got to surgery the place was sooooooo busy -it was horrible.
i arranged and re-arranged the leaflets...it felt like i'd been waiting for weeks...
When the dr i was due to see eventually got to me he started the consultation by telling me i'd tried to commit suicide many times...i got very angry very quickly because this is a blatant lie -that was my first and only OD (thus far)...he then brought up and scrolled through my notes on the computer and read over them for what seemed like ages. He then explained that all of the self harm i've ever done done (been cutting and burning since the age of 14) counted as what is known in this country as 'para-suicide', and that the medical profession did not draw a distinction between attempted suicide and para-suicide...i was raging at the fact that there are 2 categories 1.para-suicide and 2.suicide and told him 'Oh, don't worry, next time I'll make sure i fall into the other category.'. He told me i couldn't hve been very serious about ending my life anyway because i'd only need to mix 2 of my meds and that would be job done as it would wreck my liver....to which i said "duly noted"...
...sent away yet again feeling like a waster of all sorts...oxygen, time, money, compassion -nah, scrap the last one...
why is there no help when they say there is? Why are they not helping me but saying I have to help myself? Why don't they 'get' that EVERY DAY where I don't jump out the window IS me being strong? Just being is...i dunno what an adequate word is to describe just being...
meds were put on weekly dispense - I CANNOT GO OUT THE FLAT WITHOUT nxsjkclsdjknlfhsida fhsukdfhjd fguergfriuefgviuefg eiufg8we 9 and breathe!) CUTTING MY ARM OR LEG TO FRICK....no pharmacy would take me on for delivery coz they kept saying it was for over 80s (not true!)...then i found one that would take me on, put most meds in a dosette box AND deliver...i cried when they said they would...
p.s. apparently when I was vomiting and it was green one of the trainee-doctors asked another the one they were shadowing which medication would've made it all turn green and I promptly stopped vomiting, laughed at her, and told her I was re-enacting a scene from the exorcist then returned to being sick...and they were all peeing themselves...
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