not good
arm is burned a lot
i set my hair on fire in a haze but snapped straight back to 'reality' with the smell
i'm pretty sure my smoke alarm doesn't work
feels like i'm having a heart-attack in my brain
not a physical, painful brain/heart-attack...an emotional one...
samh worker this morning just informed me that would be the last time i'll see her as she's being moved to one of the branches closer to her home...i keep getting workers assigned, to whom i become attached and then they get punted...it feels like they're all doing it on purpose...but they couldn't be?...right?...that'd be giving 'the powers that be' too much credit...right??...why can't they keep folk where they are...why is it that i can't handle chance well?Why can't i just 'go with the flow'
i think it's just because i am me
i dont' know
i am desperate to vent -i am thankful to friends who let me offload on them -though i feel horrific afterwards because i know they have their own battles...
it...i just....aaargghhhh...
i pray every time i vent that it will get it out and away...
...but it doesn't always work like that...
my friend asked if the problem was because of the build-up of thing over the last little while or if it was "just general life...-itis?" LOL -that made me smile for a minute...
life is ok
....it's living it that's hard
seeing all the injustice
and feeling all the pain
it makes my head reel
and that's only the wee bit of my brain that is seeing that
the rest of it's selfish and lost in blackness
and
i am overwhelmed with nothing really when i think £11 can feed a kid a
meal a day for a year and still leave some spare change...
who cares about what's gone on in my past -it's the past
i am so selfish
i'm getting out some stuff and i don't want to relive it again and again
i really do relive some things when i think about thinking about them
when i think about them?!!
...it's more than reliving; it's almost as though i could touch it...
and for some of the things i 'relive'...i could -and have..been sick
like, actually, physically sick
in the reality of the actual moment that is now, or then...
i haven't been sick just now...because right now, typing this...
i
am
a
shell
i am not in my head
i am thinking about thinking about thinking about things...
brain is off
i'm not thinking of thinking of anything...
i am looking at letters on a keyboard...
SAMH worker this morning just informed me that THAT would be the last time
i'll see her as she's being moved to one of the branches closer to her
home (immediately my brain went off in a zillion ways!AARRGH was one way; WHY ALWAYS ME, another; She'll be closer to her home don't be so selfish, another; WHY did you get attached AGAIN, you never learn, another...and countless many others)
...i keep getting workers assigned, to whom i become attached and
then they get punted
...it feels like they're all doing it on
purpose
...but they couldn't be?
...right?
...that'd be giving 'the powers
that be' too much credit
...right??
...why can't they keep folk where they
are
...why is it that i can't handle chance well?
Why can't i just 'go
with the flow'
i had a nice time last night til the drive home and my mum went all jekyll n hyde
got in smashed old candle holders but stayed safe
why does our family always waste every nice moment we have together
it's always my fault though...i ALWAYS say or do something to ruin it...
ALWAYS...
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