why don't i just do it?

i keep asking myself that...

why don't i just take my own life...why don't i just tie the rope up and not call anyone this time...just commit suicide already you're only a waste of everything -resources, time, money, effort...do it already, just shut up and kill yourself.now.

...and the answer is only because
1. someone has to find you and sort through the mess of what you've done
2. family and friends would be left hurt (but then i think that's vain to think that)

...and one night i had things in place...

...and found this..

THE AFTERMATH OF SUICIDE
I had never experienced the death of a close loved
one before my brother died. When David died, my
world came cashing down around me, shattering me
into a million pieces. My brother and I were close, but
I had no suspicion he was contemplating suicide and
had been for a long time. The night my sister called to
tell me he was dead is etched in my memory forever.
If I shut my eyes, I can go back to that time and place
almost three years ago and still hear her voice. It is a
very painful memory and one that I don’t call up, but
it is there nonetheless.
The overwhelming feelings of shock, disbelief,
numbness, despair, and sadness are very vivid. At the
same time, I was outraged at what he had done to
us, to me. How dare he do this! I couldn’t even begin
to guess how many times I said, “I can’t believe this is
happening.”
The first ix months was a confusing and emotionally
draining period for me. I was obsessed with wanting to
have answers, especially from him. I read many books
on suicide and finally, after reading Iris Bolton’s book
My Son, My Son, I came to realize that what she said
was true; “You can ask why a million times but you
finally have to let it go, because the person you need
answers from is not here to give them to you. If only for
the sake of your own sanity, you have to stop asking
why.
Our family drew closer together from this tragedy, and
it made me more aware of how much I value and
love them. I also had the support of a good friend
who was willing to spend hours talking and crying with
me. I still get very angry with my brother for changing
our lives so irrevocably. That anger inevitably turns
into sadness. I cannot see his smiling face, or hear
his laughter, or watch him grow into adulthood. Yes, I
had dreams for him too. He was an intelligent, warm,
sensitive and caring young man…., and I was eager
to see what direction his life would take. I can’t help
wonder what he would be like today. I miss him very
much.
I will never agree with his solution, but it was his
choice to make and I have to learn to live with it. I am
absolutely certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt that
I will see him again. Only then will I get answers to my
questions. I have no choice but to wait until that time.
~Nicki Wright

..and this...

MY FIRST FIVE YEARS AS AN ONLY CHILD
I’ve been without my brother for five years. I guess
the hard part is over now. Sometimes I think I’ve aged
thirty years in the past five. In a strange way, ,these
past five years have been the best and the worst
of my life. I’ve accomplished the many things of a
typical young adult – learning to drive, graduating
from high school, going to college, and starting a
career. Every one of my accomplishments has been
clouded by the fact that my brother George is not
here to share each milestone and is not achieving
any more milestones for himself. He was cheated of
so many things. He will never graduate, get married,
have children, or travel. He will never grow old and I
will never have a brother to grow old with. I’ll never
have nieces and nephews. The sibling relationship,
usually the longest relationship in one’s life, has been
cut short for us. In these five years, although I’ve
learned to accept that he’s not coming back, the
difficult part is dealing with it day by day.
My relationship with George ended just when we
started to become friends. The childish fights and other
annoyances of having a big brother were changing
to real conversations and to having an occasional
ally. I’m angry about all the things that we’ve missed
and all of the things that will never be, and I guess I
always will be. Five years heals a lot of wounds, but
the hurt will always be there, no matter how many
years pass. In these past five years, I’ve been forced to
grow up too fast. I’ve been forced into a new outlook
on life. I’ve felt lonely and alone. I now realize that I
will never be the same person as before. That person
is locked away and gone forever. Maybe I’m a better
person now because of what I’ve been through. Five
years ago I never thought I’d survive, but I’m still here
dealing with it every day. I don’t know what the next
five years will bring, but at least I’ve made it this far.
~Kristina Steiner