cradle Catholic, never missed a Mass or Holyday of Obligation... and now...??

i'm not so sure i'm going to get to heaven anymore
this past year i failed epically...at everything.

i guess i just fell apart

as apart as anyone can fall

had the mental health crisis team out on 3 occasions -for a daily visit each day for a fortnight each time

got a call from a CPN (Clinical Psychiatric Nurse) because i had called the GP and been

talking utter gibberish on the phone to them but i could feel it was gibberish, wish is an improvement i guess -last time i was adamant i was talking fine and they were having the problem

i feel like a failure

i guess i just am a failure

i've been in psychotherapy for more than half my life now and i feel like i am much much worse than...ever

i thought after diagnoses (what the heck's the plural of that word?!!That soooo doesn't look right!) i would feel better, understood, not alone...

i guess i'm only now starting to even think about getting my head round them

i didn't want to be labelled and i desperately did at the same time

but i know if it helps it's a good thing

i'm just not sure if it will help

the ones i figure are the most debiliating for me in terms of my mental health just now are:

• borderline personality disorder -which at first i said everyone would be classed as having it given the criterion ...and then i said it wasn't me...but now...

also.

• agoraphobia -i don't even like to pass my door anymore -it gives me chills and i can't actually explain it. the only way i get out the door anymore is to cut myself immediately beforehand.

• ptsd

• EDNOS (Eating Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified) ...i don't even remember the last time i ate...and i don't care

 my current therapist AND social worker were very very distressed for me when i stopped going to Mass...i feel nothing...about anything...

d'you know -those2were more concerned that i stopped going to Mass than when i made and used a noose?...wow...i still can't say or type those words.what i did. this year.

i was so bad

i have been so bad...

and i'm in that place once again...

i cut and burn me -i must have upset Him so much because i've done this so many times and my body's supposed to be a temple for the holy spirit.

plus there's been one set of footprints in my sand this year and He must be knackered and sick of carrying me by now.

he has the whole world with real problems to carry -he doesn't need me adding to it when i'm adding to mine by myself and mine are of my own doing.

i know everyone has their pains, their stresses and strains, their 'baggage' ...but when i think of folk i know who've had similar pains to mine and they are still able to function and cope and get up in the morning, get dressed, smile, be bouncy and cheery -and then there's me sitting here typing this and fighting every urge to go unbury that rope...

i can't fight anymore -i really am so exhausted -physically, mentally, emotionally...

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have let Him down but, because I lost my faith.

what if he planned me to not be here.

i feel like i've overstayed my welcome

maybe all these medical interventions shouldn't've happened

my heart's all broke and bits are gone so it can't be fixed....i'm like the cookie at the bottom of the packet -all crumbled and broken beyond repair

i am sorry for having shared too much here

sharing it only spreads the sadness

the local parish priest couldn't make time for me and fobbed me off so too did the other 3 in the next 3 nearest parishes

i'm pretty far gone -i'm fair in the devil's grip...got me thinking that all this is made up

everything

pretend
faith -just stories

even me -i'm not here, here's not a place... it's all just stories.

i give up with punctuation now -blah...

but when i hurt me

i know i'm real

and if i am

then my friends are

but then i think i have none

my brain and head and heart have melted

i haven't anything to give
just me -and i'm not anything special.
i can hold a tune but i'll never be a superstar (not that i'd want that anyway...but, still...you know what i mean.. i'm ok at it, not amazing or anything)

just my voice

and nobody needs or wants me to sing...or talk...

it's all i can do

and it ain't needed

i thought it was a lesson in how i could do other things

but instead i do nothing...

i really can't be fixed

the way i feel is supposedly all 'classic' to the way someone diagnosed with bpd feels and the last conversation with my therapist left me feeling worse about that fact...

you know how you should only share with folk who know you...i don't even know me -how could anybody else...my brain's giving me illogical logic -saying that my friends aren't my friends...but then when i try to make it logical and say if they're my friends, they're my friends shut up brain -well...it just doesn't work that way

HOW PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW WOULD YOU BE WITH ME IF YOU THOUGHT OF US AS FRIENDS AND READ THIS?!!! I'D HATE ME TOO...Oh, wait...

this past year i pretty much shut down beyond reach now
and the only logical conclusion is
well
unmentionable i guess