Sharing with sister-in-law

in my family only my sister knows, but my carers have changed...in fact...

i now have SAMH come 8 hours a week and it's £80 a week
...i feel like they're ripping the piss a peach...

(especially since, on the last visit my key-worker she just made an off-the-cuff-comment about not being a slave/skivvy...all i asked was for her to put a fork an spoon in the sink whilst i was building Bernard's cage and she was sitting on the comfy couch looking through her phone and looking up at me sporadically)

now worrying about money is only adding to stresses

AND worrying about the fact that i have helpers in in general...i hate having to need help...


...yeah this new personalisation pish...

and they're not classed as carers...

coz it's mental health...

and everyone keeps wondering why i feel like i give up

...yeah...

pfft

there will be a contribution from 'whoever' but nobody's worked out what it will be yet...and nobody knows when this will be worked out.

i didn't even get to Holy Mass yesterday -first Maundy Thursday in my life...sick to the pit of my stomach because i didn't go...got to the door and was nearly sick...ended up wetting myself -i did NOT need the toilet!!!!!! = (

the last visit from the last person from SAMH came in hoovered and did my dishes even though i said can do the dishes (but they'd come half an hour early so i was still wet from showering and they did the dishes so i could get dressed)

then i cried for ages bout the money and not knowing what they'll pay...but it's not up to SAMH

so she spent the rest of the 2hours trying to calm me down coz i, quite frankly wanted to chew glass....seems better than talking to the asses on the phones who know nothing about this whole personalisation thing...


my sister used to come over every day, then it was every second day...now...

...well,  i have it in my head that she's staying away from me and i think she's keeping the kids away from me

she used to bring me milk and bread

i paid her road tax, MOT, sometimes got her gas and electricity...but then i couldn't/wouldn't give her the money to get a new washing machine when hers broke and i don't know if this is the punishment...

my neighbour's keep fighting -asspieces

i don't even see my family

'cept some sundays ...and all i want to do is strangle my eldest sister

and the sister i've always been closer to seems to want to do that to me now

and my brother doesn't even talk to me

it's great on a sunday...(sarcastic?Me?)

...the only day i go out and it reminds me how much i annoy everyone

fabby...

i can;t go out because i fall over and if i do and it's not near a fence or something sturdy to grip on to to get up...wel, i'm at the mercy of strangers...and that's very scary.

i was getting better then all that crap happened in September at the hospital carpark

haven't been out since

hadn't been out much since last march

wow

that's a year

have been out alone since September twice -and one of those times i had to call the police coz yet another man was at my car screaming at me

i called 999 and locked the doors

i have only eaten jelly since -except on sundays -heaven forbid mum finds out things aren't 'ok'...she MUST know...surely...

i called my sister first mind you...but she had other people's kids too and couldn't fit everyone in her car so i had no choice but to call the police -and i was too incoherent with my sister to even have the wherewithal to then google local police, so it was 999 i called...

my psychotherapist has missed the last 2 appointments coz she has a family crisis and has been called to england

my social worker hates me and i think she'd be glad if i wasn't here so i'd be off her case-load (only my closest-in-age sister knows i have a social worker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Sis-in-law's response: "Well you need to get another one"

EXCELLENT ADVICE...and a few folk HAVE said this, but it transpires that, in order to get a NEW social worker, you need to ask your current social worker to get you a diff one...how messed up is that?

anyway i'm going to shutup now

i'm sharing way too much

and i already feel like a burden as it is so

yeah

i can't share but

i did with closest sister about su attempt and now look where it got me...

i guess i shouldn't have

it sure seems that way

but i'm not doing good atall

yesterday was the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE i missed the Maundy Thursday Mass

i spent all night crying

now i've upset my stomach

Sis-in-law's response: "you probably won't like me saying this but religion isn't the most important thing in your life your health and well being is! I missed the service yesterday too and then found out it wasn't a holy day of obligation anyway!"

...i can't go outside anymore...like, physically can't -have been sick twice since Sept trying...my head spins, i sweat, it takes hours and my knees buckle...

religion IS the most important thing...because it all boils down to love...that's ALL JESUS SAID...LOVE EVERYBODY...and i can't...how can i from behind a door...or when i'm outside terrified some guy's gonna hit me or say i keyed their car or whatever and i end up in a jail cell again

how can i love anybody?

...when i don't even like me?

don't get me wrong

i love my babies (nieces and nephews and any friend's kids...)

i LOVE drawing with them or playing games

and just spending time with them

but i worry that their parents don't want me round them

and that's why nobody comes over
-i know it's because they have football/girltime/brownies/swimming/gymnastics/etc etc..LIFE I guess...

but

i still worry they don't want me round them incase i make them mad too i guess?

Sis-in-law's response: "That's not the case with me and I'm sure your sisters feel the same, the weans love it when you're there on a Sunday x"

(I nearly couldn't type then for tears)

she then went on to  say: "nobody comes to me either so wouldn't worry about it, only time I see any in-laws is on a sunday x"

i blame my oldest sister for SO  MUCH

isn't that terrible of me?

...but my mum can't do ANYTHING she wants to coz she has to be in for my nephew so my sis can go to her pal's etc

mum has mised gran a few times coz she went to her pal's a lot

i worry for my parents so much

i don't know how my dad does it

7days a week 12hour shifts at least each day...

and they're JUST getting by

i want them to put their foot down and get her to go somewhere

she can afford it

mum and dad need a whole new boiler -i wish i had enough to pay for it for them

does any of what i say make sense

Sis-in-law's response: "Maybe you shouldn't have moved out of your mums that way you would always have someone around you and so would she x"

i then explained a  bit of why i'd had to move out

about how sis kept waking coming into my room, drunk, at stupid o'clock, and telling me it was my fault mum drinks

i put up with it for over a year and a half

i believe it now

completely

i already had it in my head....

i didn't need her to reinforce it

she can be wicked

but the last straw was when i was locked out the house from 8pm til dad came home from work...and he'd been sent to MANCHESTER SO didn't get home til the back of 1!!!

i got a really bad chest infection and was in hospital for 2 weeks...

didn't go home after that

slept on friends couches or kathleen's couch

or in my car

then got an emergency flat4months later (i didn't know you were supposed to go to a crisis place -i didn't know it existed!!)