Colouring?
Even 2 year olds can colour...sure, they'd chew on the crayon or pencil for a bit...but they'd still colour something -even if it was a wall...many folk learn this the hard way...
I can't blog, i don't have enough attention span to watch a film or now even an episode of something that's shorter in length than a film....urgh..
37hours now -no sleep therein...
and THEREIN LIES THE RUB...
my sister's been being an ass -as per...but now the other one who used to bring me milk and bread every other day and hoover...well...she seems to have dropped off the face of the earth -i'm getting one word answers to texts and she's not answering when i call..
i can't be bothered with this anymore...
the other one's always been worse than a man short...she asked me to set up a justgiving page for her (which i did) then she kept annoying me about it for ages and telling me "facts" to correct my actual facts...urgh...little things i DO NOT need added to the masses of sand i'm sinking in...
fuck off -yeah, i said it -fuck RIGHT off...i can't deal with this today...
my heart-rate's through the roof again SAMH and then a visit to new GP tomorrow...good God!I think i'm going to actually pass out...wish i hadn't changed surgeries, but aspire and SAMH and pretty much everyone has said there's no way a different GP could be worse than my last one!!! ...but at least there i knew the faces of the staff...and the layout of the place...aaargh...
***
So....still not slept and just continuing on from where i left off ...the SAMH worker came 2 hours later than agreed but that meant i got help getting out of the flat to go to GP -and it was better than the last support worker's experience where i wet myself twice because i was scared to go outside...had to change -twice obviously...
The person i'd to see was upstairs and there is no lifts etc so i'd to wait for her to come down and a room to be free -i think she was a nurse...whoever she was she was lovely and put me at ease...glad i changes surgeries now!! = ) She made an appointment for a Dr to call me in the morning re:peeing withou meaning/wanting/needing to prior to leaving flat...
***
I'm a shell again
Crisis team leader coming out tomorrow and I don't feel my arms are 'bad enough' to warrant her visit but am fighting every urge to make then worse
I know they're bad
That asspiece of a GP's reaction was horrific
Worse than last GP -and HE told me exactly how to kill myself...
Says volumes...
I'm fucked -that dr was horrible...really horrible...
Won't refer me to crisis...
Asked why I changed GPs in a really nasty manner
And before I'd even gone into the room with her she asked ON FRONT OF THE WHOLE WAITING ROOM why I was in an air walker and wrist splint -as though I were wearing them as fashion accessories...
She Asked when I last self harmed and when I said this morning she tutted, sighed and DEMANDED to see it...
At least the last bunch of asspieces said "would you should me it please?"
She then said •well this self harming has to stop"
I'd exhausted everywhere I could for help and all I could think was that I knew where my ropes where for when I got in and that I'd calculated that they'd hold my weight and my last selfish act leaves some poor bunch of folk dealing with clearing away my corpse...
Stuff this
THIS is help?!!
Aye right over a cliff...
Nah, game's a bogie
I give in
I give up
You win
...that was all I could think...
For an hour I was in the disabled toilet at the GP and I could only smash my head off the wall before actually possibly passing out so I stopped doing that...
I didn't want to go... I didn't want to NEED the appointment ...first appointment with a dr at new surgery and it's emergency, mental health and I wouldn't have been surprised If I were told I was being sent for a stitch or 2 but I didn't go for that...I don't care about scarring I wanted to sleep I wanted help for further back than the cutting and burning...
Feeling like a waster
And an oxygen thief
Went to nearest mental health centre because 1. I was beside, 2. A friend had called and I wasn't makin much sense so she said to go there and 3. I needed help ...
On call or duty worker said :
"Well I don't know why you've come here because you're not open to this centre because you chose to not show up for your appointment with dr last appointment"
NEITHER OF THESE STATEMENTS WERE TRUE and made me so angry that I completely shut down at which point she said it was too late for her to do anything because they close in less than an hour so she'd di me a favour and 'see' if the crisis team would chat with me but she wouldn't promise anything...the woman who came out from crisis knows me and knew this wasn't 'normal' me...she arranged for someone to call later that night and she'd visit me in the morning..
Crisis team leader coming out tomorrow and I don't feel my arms are 'bad enough' to warrant her visit but am fighting every urge to make then worse
I know they're bad
That asspiece of a GP's reaction was horrific
Worse than last GP -and HE told me exactly how to kill myself...
Says volumes...
I'm fucked -that dr was horrible...really horrible...
Won't refer me to crisis...
Asked why I changed GPs in a really nasty manner
And before I'd even gone into the room with her she asked ON FRONT OF THE WHOLE WAITING ROOM why I was in an air walker and wrist splint -as though I were wearing them as fashion accessories...
She Asked when I last self harmed and when I said this morning she tutted, sighed and DEMANDED to see it...
At least the last bunch of asspieces said "would you should me it please?"
She then said •well this self harming has to stop"
I'd exhausted everywhere I could for help and all I could think was that I knew where my ropes where for when I got in and that I'd calculated that they'd hold my weight and my last selfish act leaves some poor bunch of folk dealing with clearing away my corpse...
Stuff this
THIS is help?!!
Aye right over a cliff...
Nah, game's a bogie
I give in
I give up
You win
...that was all I could think...
For an hour I was in the disabled toilet at the GP and I could only smash my head off the wall before actually possibly passing out so I stopped doing that...
I didn't want to go... I didn't want to NEED the appointment ...first appointment with a dr at new surgery and it's emergency, mental health and I wouldn't have been surprised If I were told I was being sent for a stitch or 2 but I didn't go for that...I don't care about scarring I wanted to sleep I wanted help for further back than the cutting and burning...
Feeling like a waster
And an oxygen thief
Went to nearest mental health centre because 1. I was beside, 2. A friend had called and I wasn't makin much sense so she said to go there and 3. I needed help ...
On call or duty worker said :
"Well I don't know why you've come here because you're not open to this centre because you chose to not show up for your appointment with dr last appointment"
NEITHER OF THESE STATEMENTS WERE TRUE and made me so angry that I completely shut down at which point she said it was too late for her to do anything because they close in less than an hour so she'd di me a favour and 'see' if the crisis team would chat with me but she wouldn't promise anything...the woman who came out from crisis knows me and knew this wasn't 'normal' me...she arranged for someone to call later that night and she'd visit me in the morning..
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