new bad thoughts new bad things

just getting worse as each day passes...

i'm not sure if it's because i'm opening the cork on the bottle labelled store-up-and-pretend-it-never-happened..

cleptomania
pyromania


and now??

 ...wanting to drink bleach...

dear me, i hate you. that is all

come cuddle me til i fall asleep ...please?

well...i could do with a proper cuddle...this is night two without sleep...

inability to handle life is -there are no words to describe how that feels...

i don't do anything...

and i still can't just 'be'...
i hate existing...then i hate me for thinking that -there are so many sick folk who are nearing the end of their lives and i think THAT?!!!!!

i'm just pure evil...

...o have an appointment with lawyer on Wed am re:incident in hospital car-park last year...apparently if i get  lawyer it'll make them move quicker...

i'd just like to hide in a wee hole
-oh, wait, that's pretty much what i'm doing

Healthy Guilt and Unhealthy Guilt ~Robert Burney

Guilt is a feeling - an emotional energy whose purpose is to communicate with our consciousness about our behavior. It is important to make a distinction between healthy guilt and unhealthy guilt in relationship to discernment and emotional honesty.
In my definition shame is a term that relates to being (feeling that something is wrong with who we are, that our being is defective) - while guilt refers to behavior.

We do not need fixing. We are not broken. Our sense of self, our self perception, was shattered and fractured and broken into pieces, not our True Self. . . .

We are not broken. That is what toxic shame is - thinking that we are broken, believing that we are somehow inherently defective.

Guilt is "I made a mistake, I did something wrong."

Shame is "I'm a mistake, something is wrong with me."

Guilt is something we feel to help us be aware of our behavior.

Healthy guilt is what we feel when we violate our own value system. It is an important intuitive component in maintaining a healthy, honest relationship with ourselves. Guilt helps us to be aware of areas that needs some more healing - behavior that is a reaction to old wounds and old tapes. It is generated by our Spirit when we have acted in ways which we need to make amends for, when our humanness has caused us to act in a way that does not respect and honor that we are ONE with everyone and everything.

Unhealthy guilt is when we feel guilty for violating someone else's value system. We were programmed to react to life based on value systems that were dysfunctional, codependent, and unhealthy. We had imposed upon us, and programmed into our intellectual perspective and emotional reactions, value systems we learned from the emotional experiences, intellectual teachings, and role modeling of the beings around us in childhood. In order to survive, we adapted the value systems imposed upon us - even though they often did not make sense to us even then.

Inability to stay still -or move

I feel like I have an effervescent inside my stomach, fizzing up; making me manic; making my heart race; making my legs shake; making my whole body twitch.

I try to read -to settle me down- but i can't ... it feels like i need to be moving around, or like something's going to happen, explode -my head, or my insides...I have a feeling of desperation in the pit of my stomach. 

 I can't sleep - i'm not tired - not sleepy, gone beyond that...

 i'd go for a walk -but my ankle's still broken...so i crawl and clean where i can reach -til something distracts me and i start that, then i remember i was cleaning; then i remember i was making something...

 so nothing ever gets done, except my knees -they get 'done in' ...i'm in so much pain...everywhere...

a way out

I should stop asking for help
When will I ever learn
Shjasbsjsjs ssjshsnbabsbsjaiakeogpbppbpvpffld
Had arranged with SAMH support that the support would be mornings but it's been 12-2 each time coz the support worker says it's too hard for her to get to mine from where she lives -eh north if the city...hardly Timbuktu...
Pure pissed off with everything...
 

My friend came over for crisis team's first visit this time
It helped because she could explain better how I've struggled and the fact that i have nobody to call or message but her and emergency numbers and I can't keep doing that to either...
And she was able to explain that i worry that if I keep calling crisis and out of hours they'll take away my flat or not let me call them anymore...crisis team worker reassured me this won't happen and to keep calling them coz it's their job to help

I guess I'm worse than anyone anywhere just now...a burden and well I've a cheek to say I'm pro-life...
and all the drs keep saying I'm on the max painkillers and there's no more that can be done for my leg and now back too ...if I'm on max painkillers then why am I still in so much pain I can only sleep every second or sometimes third night?...

I can't really stand this and keep thinking there is a way to be pain-free...
All I'm saying keeps landing on deaf ears and they all seem in on it to get me to get me so they don't have me annoying them anymore...
I'm so weak and I've already tried to give up...clearly, unsuccessfully... = ( ...couldn't even get that right..

Next week's a fickin riot
Got GP appt and think it's the same horrible one I saw the other day...
I just had a cracker of an asthma attack...
Blue lips, the whole shebang...
Used nebuliser then lay on the couch thinking that was the wrong decision -should've done nothing...
it'd've gone down an ashtma-related death...
a tragic accident...
nobody would hate me...
it wouldn't have been classed as suicide...


I CANNOT DRAW!!!!!!!
Or write!!
It's driving me mad!!
I'M driving me mad!!!
If they call early tomorrow and I'm still in this state crisis will want to come out
I need some sleep I can't go on like this...

inability to...be

can't sleep. can't stop thinking negatively. i wan to hurt me...just a wee bit more -the scars aren't 'bad enough'...they never will be -i go round in circles of distractions but the loop's getting shorter...i  now have a mental block for drawing and colouring -seriously?
Colouring?
Even 2 year olds can colour...sure, they'd chew on the crayon or pencil for a bit...but they'd still colour something -even if it was a wall...many folk learn this the hard way...

I can't blog, i don't have enough attention span to watch a film or now even an episode of something that's shorter in length than a film....urgh..

37hours now -no sleep therein...
and THEREIN LIES THE RUB...

my sister's been being an ass -as per...but now the other one who used to bring me milk and bread every other day and hoover...well...she seems to have dropped off the face of the earth -i'm getting one word answers to texts and she's not answering when i call..
i can't be bothered with this anymore...

the other one's always been worse than a man short...she asked me to set up a justgiving page for her (which i did) then she kept annoying me about it for ages and telling me "facts" to correct my actual facts...urgh...little things i DO NOT need added to the masses of sand i'm sinking in...

fuck off -yeah, i said it -fuck RIGHT off...i can't deal with this today...

my heart-rate's through the roof again SAMH and then a visit to new GP tomorrow...good God!I think i'm going to actually pass out...wish i hadn't changed surgeries, but aspire and SAMH and pretty much everyone has said there's no way a different GP could be worse than my last one!!! ...but at least there i knew the faces of the staff...and the layout of the place...aaargh...

***

So....still not slept and just continuing on from where i left off ...the SAMH worker came 2 hours later than agreed but that meant i got help getting out of the flat to go to GP -and it was better than the last support worker's experience where i wet myself twice because i was scared to go outside...had to change -twice obviously...

The person i'd to see was upstairs and there is no lifts etc so i'd to wait for her to come down and a room to be free -i think she was a nurse...whoever she was she was lovely and put me at ease...glad i changes surgeries now!! = ) She made an appointment for a Dr to call me in the morning re:peeing withou meaning/wanting/needing to prior to leaving flat...


***

I'm a shell again
Crisis team leader coming out tomorrow and I don't feel my arms are 'bad enough' to warrant her visit but am fighting every urge to make then worse
I know they're bad
That asspiece of a GP's reaction was horrific
Worse than last GP -and HE told me exactly how to kill myself...
Says volumes...
I'm fucked -that dr was horrible...really horrible...
Won't refer me to crisis...
Asked why I changed GPs in a really nasty manner
And before I'd even gone into the room with her she asked ON FRONT OF THE WHOLE WAITING ROOM why I was in an air walker and wrist splint -as though I were wearing them as fashion accessories...
She Asked when I last self harmed and when I said this morning she tutted, sighed and DEMANDED to see it...
At least the last bunch of asspieces said "would you should me it please?"
She then said •well this self harming has to stop"
I'd exhausted everywhere I could for help and all I could think was that I knew where my ropes where for when I got in and that I'd calculated that they'd hold my weight and my last selfish act leaves some poor bunch of folk dealing with clearing away my corpse...
Stuff this
THIS is help?!!
Aye right over a cliff...
Nah, game's a bogie
I give in
I give up
You win
...that was all I could think...
For an hour I was in the disabled toilet at the GP and I could only smash my head off the wall before actually possibly passing out so I stopped doing that...
I didn't want to go... I didn't want to NEED the appointment ...first appointment with a dr at new surgery and it's emergency, mental health and I wouldn't have been surprised If I were told I was being sent for a stitch or 2 but I didn't go for that...I don't care about scarring I wanted to sleep I wanted help for further back than the cutting and burning...
Feeling like a waster
And an oxygen thief
Went to nearest mental health centre because 1. I was beside, 2. A friend had called and I wasn't makin much sense so she said to go there and 3. I needed help ...
On call or duty worker said :
"Well I don't know why you've come here because you're not open to this centre because you chose to not show up for your appointment with dr last appointment"
NEITHER OF THESE STATEMENTS WERE TRUE and made me so angry that I completely shut down at which point she said it was too late for her to do anything because they close in less than an hour so she'd di me a favour and 'see' if the crisis team would chat with me but she wouldn't promise anything...the woman who came out from crisis knows me and knew this wasn't 'normal' me...she arranged for someone to call later that night and she'd visit me in the morning..

Some fitness Quotes I Stumbled Upon

"Physical fitness is not only one of the most important keys to a healthy body, it is the basis of dynamic and creative intellectual activity. The relationship between the soundness of the body and the activities of the mind is subtle and complex. Much is not yet understood." ~John F Kennedy

 "I'm not overweight. I'm just nine inches too short!." ~Shelley Winters 

 "To begin with the end in mind means to start with a clear understanding of your destination." ~Stephen Covey

"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people." ~Orson Welles

"The journey of a thousand pounds begins with a single burger." ~Chris O'Brien

"Never eat what you can't lift" ~Miss Piggy

"God made me a very obvious choice when He made me voluptuous: why would I go against what He decided for me? My limbs work, so I'm not going to complain about the way my body is shaped." ~Drew Barrymore 

"After forty a woman has a choice between losing her figure or her face. My advice is to keep your face and stay sitting down." ~Barbara Cartland

"I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor;d office was full of  portraits by Picasso." ~Rita Rudner

"I'm allergic to food. Every time I eat it, I break out in fat." ~Jennifer Greene Duncan

"I'm in shape. Round is a shape, isn't it?" ~Anonymous

"

sore and drifting in and out of sleep

drifting in and out of 'sleep' today -i say sleep, it's like 5/10mins each time...i am in agony -normally am sore (broke leg 3 years ago, hasn't healed...pretty much been given-up on now and am on "highest painkillers and nerve pills possible" according to drs...then why am i still sore?!!!AAAARRRGHH)....sprained wrist on Sat...arm in splint -can't use crutches...pretty much bed bound...even going to the loo is harder than normal and it's normally hard -what with one leg and inability to lean properly...aaargghhh...here endeth my moan...

Sharing with sister-in-law

in my family only my sister knows, but my carers have changed...in fact...

i now have SAMH come 8 hours a week and it's £80 a week
...i feel like they're ripping the piss a peach...

(especially since, on the last visit my key-worker she just made an off-the-cuff-comment about not being a slave/skivvy...all i asked was for her to put a fork an spoon in the sink whilst i was building Bernard's cage and she was sitting on the comfy couch looking through her phone and looking up at me sporadically)

now worrying about money is only adding to stresses

AND worrying about the fact that i have helpers in in general...i hate having to need help...


...yeah this new personalisation pish...

and they're not classed as carers...

coz it's mental health...

and everyone keeps wondering why i feel like i give up

...yeah...

pfft

there will be a contribution from 'whoever' but nobody's worked out what it will be yet...and nobody knows when this will be worked out.

i didn't even get to Holy Mass yesterday -first Maundy Thursday in my life...sick to the pit of my stomach because i didn't go...got to the door and was nearly sick...ended up wetting myself -i did NOT need the toilet!!!!!! = (

the last visit from the last person from SAMH came in hoovered and did my dishes even though i said can do the dishes (but they'd come half an hour early so i was still wet from showering and they did the dishes so i could get dressed)

then i cried for ages bout the money and not knowing what they'll pay...but it's not up to SAMH

so she spent the rest of the 2hours trying to calm me down coz i, quite frankly wanted to chew glass....seems better than talking to the asses on the phones who know nothing about this whole personalisation thing...


my sister used to come over every day, then it was every second day...now...

...well,  i have it in my head that she's staying away from me and i think she's keeping the kids away from me

she used to bring me milk and bread

i paid her road tax, MOT, sometimes got her gas and electricity...but then i couldn't/wouldn't give her the money to get a new washing machine when hers broke and i don't know if this is the punishment...

my neighbour's keep fighting -asspieces

i don't even see my family

'cept some sundays ...and all i want to do is strangle my eldest sister

and the sister i've always been closer to seems to want to do that to me now

and my brother doesn't even talk to me

it's great on a sunday...(sarcastic?Me?)

...the only day i go out and it reminds me how much i annoy everyone

fabby...

i can;t go out because i fall over and if i do and it's not near a fence or something sturdy to grip on to to get up...wel, i'm at the mercy of strangers...and that's very scary.

i was getting better then all that crap happened in September at the hospital carpark

haven't been out since

hadn't been out much since last march

wow

that's a year

have been out alone since September twice -and one of those times i had to call the police coz yet another man was at my car screaming at me

i called 999 and locked the doors

i have only eaten jelly since -except on sundays -heaven forbid mum finds out things aren't 'ok'...she MUST know...surely...

i called my sister first mind you...but she had other people's kids too and couldn't fit everyone in her car so i had no choice but to call the police -and i was too incoherent with my sister to even have the wherewithal to then google local police, so it was 999 i called...

my psychotherapist has missed the last 2 appointments coz she has a family crisis and has been called to england

my social worker hates me and i think she'd be glad if i wasn't here so i'd be off her case-load (only my closest-in-age sister knows i have a social worker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Sis-in-law's response: "Well you need to get another one"

EXCELLENT ADVICE...and a few folk HAVE said this, but it transpires that, in order to get a NEW social worker, you need to ask your current social worker to get you a diff one...how messed up is that?

anyway i'm going to shutup now

i'm sharing way too much

and i already feel like a burden as it is so

yeah

i can't share but

i did with closest sister about su attempt and now look where it got me...

i guess i shouldn't have

it sure seems that way

but i'm not doing good atall

yesterday was the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE i missed the Maundy Thursday Mass

i spent all night crying

now i've upset my stomach

Sis-in-law's response: "you probably won't like me saying this but religion isn't the most important thing in your life your health and well being is! I missed the service yesterday too and then found out it wasn't a holy day of obligation anyway!"

...i can't go outside anymore...like, physically can't -have been sick twice since Sept trying...my head spins, i sweat, it takes hours and my knees buckle...

religion IS the most important thing...because it all boils down to love...that's ALL JESUS SAID...LOVE EVERYBODY...and i can't...how can i from behind a door...or when i'm outside terrified some guy's gonna hit me or say i keyed their car or whatever and i end up in a jail cell again

how can i love anybody?

...when i don't even like me?

don't get me wrong

i love my babies (nieces and nephews and any friend's kids...)

i LOVE drawing with them or playing games

and just spending time with them

but i worry that their parents don't want me round them

and that's why nobody comes over
-i know it's because they have football/girltime/brownies/swimming/gymnastics/etc etc..LIFE I guess...

but

i still worry they don't want me round them incase i make them mad too i guess?

Sis-in-law's response: "That's not the case with me and I'm sure your sisters feel the same, the weans love it when you're there on a Sunday x"

(I nearly couldn't type then for tears)

she then went on to  say: "nobody comes to me either so wouldn't worry about it, only time I see any in-laws is on a sunday x"

i blame my oldest sister for SO  MUCH

isn't that terrible of me?

...but my mum can't do ANYTHING she wants to coz she has to be in for my nephew so my sis can go to her pal's etc

mum has mised gran a few times coz she went to her pal's a lot

i worry for my parents so much

i don't know how my dad does it

7days a week 12hour shifts at least each day...

and they're JUST getting by

i want them to put their foot down and get her to go somewhere

she can afford it

mum and dad need a whole new boiler -i wish i had enough to pay for it for them

does any of what i say make sense

Sis-in-law's response: "Maybe you shouldn't have moved out of your mums that way you would always have someone around you and so would she x"

i then explained a  bit of why i'd had to move out

about how sis kept waking coming into my room, drunk, at stupid o'clock, and telling me it was my fault mum drinks

i put up with it for over a year and a half

i believe it now

completely

i already had it in my head....

i didn't need her to reinforce it

she can be wicked

but the last straw was when i was locked out the house from 8pm til dad came home from work...and he'd been sent to MANCHESTER SO didn't get home til the back of 1!!!

i got a really bad chest infection and was in hospital for 2 weeks...

didn't go home after that

slept on friends couches or kathleen's couch

or in my car

then got an emergency flat4months later (i didn't know you were supposed to go to a crisis place -i didn't know it existed!!)

Found this online and though I DID NOT write it...i easily could have!!WOW!

"

21 Tips to Keep Your Shit Together When You’re Depressed.

A while ago, I penned a fairly angry response to something circulating on the internet – the 21 Habits of Happy People. It pissed me off beyond belief, that there was an inference that if you weren’t Happy, you simply weren’t doing the right things.

I’ve had depression for as long as I can remember. It’s manifested in different ways. I did therapy. I did prozac. I did more therapy. My baseline is melancholic. I’d just made peace with it when I moved, unintentionally, to a place that had markedly less sunshine in the winter. I got seasonal depression. I got that under control. Then I got really, really sick. Turns out it’s a permanent, painful genetic disorder. My last pain-free day was four years ago.

So, this Cult of Happy article just set me off. Just… anger. Rage. Depression is serious – debilitating, often dangerous, and it’s got an enormous stigma. It leaves people to fend for themselves.

It’s bad enough without people ramming Happy Tips at you through facebook. There is no miracle behaviour change that will flip that switch for you. I know, I’ve tried.

A friend of mine suggested that I write something from my point of view because, surprisingly, I manage to give an outwards impression of having my shit together. I was shocked to hear this. And I find this comical, but I see her point. I’m functioning. I’ve adapted. I’m surprisingly okay. I think the medical term is “resilient”.

So, here it is.

My 21 Tips on Keeping Your Shit Together During Depression

1)   Know that you’re not alone. Know that we are a silent legion, who, every day face the solipsism and judgement of Happy People Who Think We Just Aren’t Trying.  There are people who are depressed, people who have been depressed, and people who just haven’t been hit with it yet.

2)   Understand that the Happy People are usually acting out of some genuine (albeit misguided) concern for you, that it’s coming from a good place, even if the advice feels like you’re being blamed for your disease. Telling you these things makes them feel better, even if it makes you feel like shit. (If they insist on keeping it up, see #12.)

3)   Enlist the help of a professional.  See your doctor. You need to talk about the ugly shit, and there are people paid to listen and help you find your way to the light at the end of the tunnel.  

4)   Understand that antidepressants will only do so much. They’re useful, they’ll level you out and give you the time you need to figure out your own path to getting well. They can be helpful. There are lots to choose from. They may not be for you, and even if they are, they take some time to kick in. Conversely, they may not be for you. Work with your doctor.

5)   Pick up a paintbrush, a pencil, an activity you got joy from in the past and re-explore that.  Or, sign up for the thing you always wanted to try. There is a long history and link between depression and creativity. It’s a bright light of this condition, so utilize it to your best advantage.

6)   Eat nutritionally sound, regular small meals. If you’re having trouble eating, try to focus on what you’d like to eat. I went through a whole six week episode of tomatoes and cream cheese on a bagel twice a day. Not great, but it was something – helpful context, I’m a recovered anorexic. Conversely, if all you want to do is scarf down crap, try to off-ramp it by downing a V-8 and doing #9 for 15 minutes, and see how you feel.  Chucking your blood sugar all over hell’s half acre is going to make you feel worse.

7)   While you’re doing #3, get some bloodwork done. If you’re low on iron or vitamin D, or if your hormone levels are doing the Macarena… these can all contribute to zapping your energy or switching your mood to Bleak As Hell.

8)   If you’re in bed and the “insomnia hamsters”, as I like to call them, are on the wheel of your head, watch Nightly Business News on PBS. This has the effect of Nyquil.  Swap out your coffee for herbal tea. If you just cannot sleep, try the next tip….

9)   Learn how to meditate. Start by focusing on your breathing. Not sleep, not thoughts. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Meditation is focusing on being present in your body, not careening around in your brain. It may not be as good as sleep but it will give you some rest and recharge you.

10)   Face a window as often as you can – at work, at home. Look out into the world. Watch. Observe. Try to find something you find pretty or interesting to focus on. And, handily remember that one in five of those people out there feel the way you do.

11)   Cry. Better out than in. Sometimes it’s not convenient or career-enhancing to cry, so find a private place as best you can and let the tears go. Carry Kleenex and face wipes and extra concealer if you wear makeup. You can always claim allergies.

12)   Any “friend” who resolutely believes that your depression is because you’re lazy, because you’re not trying hard enough, who blames you for not bootstrapping out of it- that friend needs to be cut off. Polite (#2) is one thing, but there is a limit. You don’t have to explain, you can just not respond. You feel badly enough, you don’t need their “assistance”.

13)   Limit your time with people who drain you. You know who they are. Often you don’t have a choice- but you can put the meter on. And, subsequently, be aware of what you’re asking of those close to you.

14)   Everyone has shit they’ve got to deal with. What you have been saddled with is your shit. Recognize, just as you’re not alone, you’re also not unique. The grass may look greener, you may be jealous or envious of others who don’t have to deal with depression, but you likely do not know everything that’s going on with them.  

15)   Let go or be dragged. This is an old Buddhist saying. It’s a very useful way to frame aspects of depression. Betrayal, anger, fear… letting go is a process – often a painful and difficult process - but it’s ultimately going to show you the path out of this terrible place. Repeating the mantra can help when you’re feeling gripped by these feelings.

16)   Wear clothes that make you feel confident. It takes as much time to put on nice clothes as it does to put on sweatpants. You will want to wear the sweatpants. Fight the urge. The whole “look good/feel better” campaign isn’t limited to cancer and chemotherapy. Or women.

17)   Avoid fictional drama and tragedy like the plague. No Grey’s Anatomy, no to The Notebook, or anything that won a Pulitzer prize. You’ve got enough going on In Real Life. Comedy only.  Or trashy stuff. Old episodes of WonderWoman? I’ve got the box set. Mindless drivel, like the latest CGI blockbuster. Or clever, funny books. David Sedaris. Jenny Lawson. Fiction exists to elicit emotion, and the emotion you need to express most right now is laughter.

18)   Simple exercise, if you can. It can be something as simple as taking the stairs up a flight, or walking around the block. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, it doesn’t have to involve climbing a mountain or running a marathon. Baby steps.

19)   Depression will lie to you. Depression will try to tell you what others are thinking.  That you are unloved and unworthy, that others think little of you or don’t care – or even wish you harm. You are not a psychic. Keep repeating that. “I am not a psychic”.  Repeat. The only way to know what another person is thinking is to up and ask them.

20)   If you are well and truly losing this battle, reach out to someone. I’ve been the random friendly-but-not-close person who has fielded the occasional outreach. I like to think I’m not judgemental and generally resourceful, and others have thought the same, so they called and asked. You know someone like me. And they will help you.

21)   Forgive yourself.  I’m writing out all these tips, and I can’t always muster the strength to even stick my nose outside, or walk up the stairs, or eat my vegetables. Today, I got outside for ten minutes. I will try again tomorrow. And I will try again the day after that.

This list will not cure you.
This list will not flip on the happy switch.
God, I wish it were that easy.
The theme here is to not to unknowingly sabotage yourself.
All these little things?
Like your blood sugar, or watching non-stop episodes of House, or endless Try Harder lectures from your Perpetually Perky sister?

They all make dealing with depression just a tiny bit harder than it needs to be.
And it’s hard enough, all on its own."

(http://www.diycouturier.com/post/47249603128/21-tips-to-keep-your-shit-together-when-youre)