Sunday, 31 March 2013

what it's like to be me

i walk along  path like this all the time...



but all it takes is sometimes the littlest gust of wind and i have a split-second to choose to drop and cling to the ridge and hope for the best or i can choose to jump to the left or the right...


and sometimes, the gust of wind blind-sides me on an already ridiculously narrow bit...



and i don't get any choice at all...

Thursday, 28 March 2013

Greater Glasgow & Clyde Mental Health Crisis Service Information


Greater Glasgow and Clyde

What is Greater Glasgow & Clyde Mental Health Crisis Service?

Crisis Services work closely with both community mental health teams and hospital in-patient services.
The crisis service works with people who are experiencing increased distress in terms of their mental health and are at risk of admission to a psychiatric hospital.
We also support people while in hospital and on discharge as required.
Following initial assessment the team can offer packages of care to suit the needs of the individual at that time as appropriate.

These can include:
•A full assessment of your mental health needs.
•If required, increased contact when you are unwell.
•Visiting you at home when you are on pass from hospital.
•Visiting you at home when you have been recently discharged from hospital.
•We will continue to maintain close links with your key worker and/or GP whilst you are involved with our service.

The service is available to people who live in the following post code areas:
G11, G12, G13, G14, G15, G61, G62

Service Availability:
24hrs 7 days a week based at 

Riverside Resource Centre
12 Sandy Road,
Partick
G11 6HE
Tel: 0141 211 1430
Fax: 0141 211 1444
Mon - Fri 9:00am - 8:00pm
Sat/Sun and Public Holidays 9:00 - 5:00pm.

and
Arndale Resource Centre
80-90 Kinfauns Drive
Drumchapel
G15 7TS
Tel: 0141 211 6184
Fax: 0141 211 6185
Mon- Fri 9:00am- 5:00pm
Out of Hours Crisis Service
Tel: 0845 650 1730
Mon - Fri 7:30pm - 8:30am
Sat/Sun/Public Holidays 4:30pm - 8:30am

Data Protection

In order to assess your needs properly and to ensure you receive the most suitable treatment, the crisis team will gather information from yourself, other people and agencies involved in your care. Everyone working within the organisation has a legal duty to keep information about you confidential.

Sharing Information

Patient care often involves health and social services and you may be receiving care from others, e.g. social workers, as well as NHS staff.
It is now routine practice for health and social care staff to share information about people they are working with.
You also have the right of access to the information we hold about you.
A leaflet “Protecting Information about you” gives more details and is available at each resource centre, or speak to the person in charge of your care.

Equality & Diversity

Recent legislation stipulates that NHS Scotland must now promote equality and diversity as part of its core services. As part of our service we are committed to equality by ensuring that all of our services are impact assessed in order to eliminate any forms of discrimination. You can be assured that you will be treated as an individual and with respect and dignity. If you would like to find out more on
how we are promoting this, please visit www.equalityscot.nhs.uk

OTHER USEFUL NUMBERS

General Emergency Medical Services
0141 616 6200
Glasgow NHS Advice Line
0800 22 44 88
NHS 24
08454 24 24 24
Breathing Space
0800 838587
Carer’s National Association
0141 221 9141
S.A.N.E
0345 6700000
Advocacy Matters
0141 204 2270
Samaritans (24 hours)
0141 248 4488
Social Work Out of Hours
0141 276 3100

Wednesday, 27 March 2013

i have gone beyond my darkest darkness i think...


not good
arm is burned a lot
i set my hair on fire in a haze but snapped straight back to 'reality' with the smell
i'm pretty sure my smoke alarm doesn't work
not been my best
no words
not
doing
ok

feels like i'm having a heart-attack in my brain
not a physical, painful brain/heart-attack...an emotional one...

can't stop rocking
samh worker this morning just informed me that would be the last time i'll see her as she's being moved to one of the branches closer to her home...i keep getting workers assigned, to whom i become attached and then they get punted...it feels like they're all doing it on purpose...but they couldn't be?...right?...that'd be giving 'the powers that be' too much credit...right??...why can't they keep folk where they are...why is it that i can't handle chance well?Why can't i just 'go with the flow'
i think it's just because i am me
i dont' know
i am desperate to vent -i am thankful to friends who let me offload on them -though i feel horrific afterwards because i know they have their own battles...

it...i just....aaargghhhh...

i pray every time i vent that it will get it out and away...
...but it doesn't always work like that... 
my friend asked if the problem was because of the build-up of thing over the last little while or if it was "just general life...-itis?" LOL -that made me smile for a minute...
life is ok
....it's living it that's hard
seeing all the injustice
and feeling all the pain
it makes my head reel

and that's only the wee bit of my brain that is seeing that

the rest of it's selfish and lost in blackness
and i am overwhelmed with nothing really when i think £11 can feed a kid a meal a day for a year and still leave some spare change...
who cares about what's gone on in my past -it's the past
i am so selfish

i'm getting out some stuff and i don't want to relive it again and again
i really do relive some things when i think about thinking about them
when i think about them?!!
...it's more than reliving; it's almost as though i could touch it...
and for some of the things i 'relive'...i could -and have..been sick
like, actually, physically sick
in the reality of the actual moment that is now, or then...
i haven't been sick just now...because right now, typing this...


am
a
shell



i am not in my head


i am thinking about thinking about thinking about things...

brain is off
i'm not thinking of thinking of anything...
i am looking at letters on a keyboard...
SAMH worker this morning just informed me that THAT would be the last time i'll see her as she's being moved to one of the branches closer to her home (immediately my brain went off in a zillion ways!AARRGH was one way; WHY ALWAYS ME, another; She'll be closer to her home don't be so selfish, another; WHY did you get attached AGAIN, you never learn, another...and countless many others)
...i keep getting workers assigned, to whom i become attached and then they get punted
...it feels like they're all doing it on purpose
...but they couldn't be?
...right?
...that'd be giving 'the powers that be' too much credit
...right??
...why can't they keep folk where they are
...why is it that i can't handle chance well?
Why can't i just 'go with the flow'
 
i had a nice time last night til the drive home and my mum went all jekyll n hyde
got in smashed old candle holders but stayed safe
why does our family always waste every nice moment we have together
it's always my fault though...i ALWAYS say or do something to ruin it...

ALWAYS...

Psychiatry Appointment Mix Up and Mixed Up

so...tonight...today...yesterday...all weekend...

tried2draw
can't
tried to blog
can't
tried to write
can't
can write on me though
trying to fight it
fighting
and knackered

...i wanna punch a wall...

i headered one at 4am yesterday morning...apparently this was not sufficient...

...i also set my hair on fire
was all very bizarre
am still a bit....
meh...



didn't sleep all night worrying about stupid appointment with psychiatrist because it feels like last chance saloon...incident with lighter apparently put me into complete auto-pilot and i went to the wrong place for appointment -they are named very very similarly and within a mile of each other...

...i then struggled for the rest of the day to NOT visit B&Q to buy a 'just incase' rope...

My arms are burnt (chemically) beyond belief!!



I DON'T WANT TO BE ME ANYMORE

i don't think i ever did...

i don't know that anyone hates me but i DO KNOW that if i hate me most and hurt me most -anything anyone else says or does pales into insignificance...

Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Rainbow Journal

So someone asked if anyone knows what a Rainbow Journal is as it continually popped up on self help websites...

Well, yes I DO know what it is. In fact, I have finished 4 in the last 10 years!!!

I am now onto my 5th and it's nearly time to order another!!
they're £8 and can be bought from Bristol Crisis Service for Women

i've used these journals for over 10 years

...whats it like?....
...so theyre good then?...

Yes, they're fab for me -some pages have pictures drawn by self-harmers, some have empty pages where you can draw, some have lines for you to write plus there's a "how am i doing" scale every so often where you think about if you're taking care of you etc...
i couldn't be without mine
i possibly wouldn't be... (bit of a scary thought there!...i never really gave much thought as to how much i'd used it and how useful it had been!!)

maybe might'n've made it thus far -helped me feel less alone as a teen and made me much more able to express feelings and thoughts i would have otherwise kept bottled up as they were things  i felt i couldn't share with anyone...

and at uni...it was like a place where i could have a secret code and even if anyone found it it wouldn't have been readable!!ha!


Now i've learned to make even better use of it -i write smaller, draw more than one pic per space etc...



I love mine!!

Like I said -wouldn't be without it!!!

Saturday, 23 March 2013

a wee update

oh a wee update by the way -SAMH now come out twice a week for 2 hours and we will combine the 2 lots of 2 hours once a month to go swimming -we hope...depends on all the 'usual' i guess for a lot of us...scarring, how folk react to that -including the support workers who, thus far, have been brill by the way...very accepting and non-judgemental...ow agoraphobia is that day and (for those of you who don't know, i have complex asthma and have had a broken ankle for over 3 years now...)..so it'll depend on pain levels too..and if i've slept blah blah blah...we'll see..
£19.58 per hour ...four hours a week...
that thought is making me a little...well, sick to the pit of my stomach really...

Thursday, 21 March 2013

Positivities

Positiveness

 
Positive affirmations by definition is a technique used to program the subconscious mind to effect change by repeating (or meditating on) a key phrase to bring about the desired outcome.
So what does that mean exactly? A lot of people including myself have or had things about them they wanted to change. Some examples could be wanting more wealth, confidence, better health, good friendships, gaining success etc..  If you read the “my story” section of this website you will know that I struggled with confidence for a very long time.  Affirmations played a very critical role in the turnaround of that. I would jokingly say positive things out loud and over time I guess my subconscious cemented those thoughts and I started to believe the things I was saying. At this time I was in high school and didn’t realize what I had actually been doing was positive affirmations.   So the theory here is to program your mind just like you would program a computer! It works! At the very least the meditation process will definitely relax you and be beneficial for you in multiple ways.  Don’t believe me? Try it. I encourage it.  For those of you who can’t or don’t have the patience for meditation there is software that can be bought where your computer or music will play hidden subliminal messages.  This would make the work essentially effortless!

Some key tips to remember are:

*Prioritize your list! Focus on one thing at a time. Do not overwhelm yourself or expect things to happen over night. Be patient!

*Use the affirmations that match your goals in life

*Use your affirmations frequently to always refresh your "internal computer"

Below you will find some basic affirmations but keep in mind you can easily make up your own positive affirmation.
Positive Affirmations for Wealth
1. All the things I want and need come to me.
2. I always receive more than what I need.
3. I have a bank account with more than enough.
4. I am an abundant person.
5. I create abundance in all that I say and do.
6. I accept abundance.
7. I welcome, and am open to receive all abundance that comes.
8. I draw abundance to myself today and every day

9. My Financial abundance overflows today

10. Abundance surrounds me, today I claim my share

11. Money flows abundantly to me now and always
Positive Daily Affirmations For Success
1. I am successful.
2. Everything I do turns into success.
3. I am filled with success.
4. Success comes effortlessly to my direction.
5. My success is contagious, other people like it, seek it and respect it.
6. I attract positive-minded people to me; I draw all things positive to myself.
7. I am very fortunate to work at what I love to do.
8. I make powerful and enjoyable business relationships and many of my business contacts are now my friends.

9. I have the perfect job

10. My job satisfies me in every way.

11. Success is mine always
Positive Daily Affirmations For Relationships
1. I am a confident and positive person, and confident and positive persons gravitate toward me everyday.
2. I know who I obviously am and what I like in personal relationships.
3. I am attracting powerfully positive and healthy people into my life.
4. I am caring, smart, supportive, loyal, and fun to be with.
5. I feel completely at ease and comfortable with all types of people.
6. I am winning in all my relationships.
7. I am a positive and valuable contributor to my relationships.
8. I possess complete ability to articulate my thoughts and feelings to everyone, and I express myself wisely.

9. I am surrounded by love always

10. Those who are around me love me endlessly

11. Love comes easily to me


Positive Affirmations For Self Esteem/Confidence
1. I am sure of my ability to do what is necessary to improve my life.
2. If I make mistakes, I am able to give myself the benefit of the doubt.
3. I feel worthy as a person.
4. I am able to take risks and try new things without fear.
5. I feel good about the way I do my job.
6. I feel about myself pretty much what others think of me.
7. I have compassion for myself and the way my life has developed.
8. I am deserving of all the good things in my life.

9. I love myself and the thoughts of others don't matter

10. I am confident in every thing I do in life

11. I am great now and always
Positive Affirmations For Health
1. I am glowing with health and wholeness.

2. I behave in ways that promote my health more every day.
3. I deserve to be in perfect health.
4. I am highly motivated to exercise my body because I find exercise as fun.
5. I love nutritious healthy food, and I enjoy eating fresh fruits and vegetables.
6. I am healthy since my practices are healthy.
7. I let go of the past so I can create health now.
8. I create health by expressing love, understanding and compassion.

9. I am healthy now and always

10. Health is not a problem for me

11. I am free from any health issues forever more
 
(have found this on several sites, all 'claiming' it as theirs..so unsure of who to credit!LOL!)