Waster

I can't believe how much of a fight it is to fight me... I can't keep fighting me... how the hell can I keep fighting me... I'm lost in a "this doesn't get better" moment... but the moment seems like forever... I can't remember good days, good things, good times... I'm trapped in this flat. The damn adapted mobility car was taken back by the DWP as I'm not classed as being badly immobile enough.. or a better way to word that.. on Monday I had to crawl to get to the toilet and back to bed.. I couldn't reach the microwave so I had what I could reach and as quickly as I could because I was beyond my capacity to withstand the pain.. 

today I'd just like to bed gone.

That's not fair -RIGHT NOW I'd just like to be gone...

But some poor bastard has to find you...

That's all that keeps me here.

***I am not coping well and I know all I'll get from crisis team is "make a cup of tea", "listen to music", "have a bath"... that makes me laugh a bit -I had to wait for 6 years to be the right criteria for a wet room...now I don't even shower... I don't care...

Then part of me argues with me because I DAMN WELL DO CARE!!!***

I tried SO hard to go outside this week in my new electric wheelchair (had to save up for so long and it's second hand and I'm afraid it'll conk out on me and I'm also afraid of outside still anyway...so no problems were helped when I got that (to be fair I've only had it a few weeks and I've not been well enough to properly try to get out -was yesterday...then a BRAND NEW NEIGHBOUR CAME *INTO MY FLAT AND TOOK THE PASSWORD FROM *MY* ROUTER...that I pay for... I keep trying to make excuses!! Does she think that it's a community thing????! ...she then came back again within 10 minutes to ADD ANOTHER DEVICE!!!

I wasn't feeling well at all that day and i had to get out of bed and onto crutches (only for one answer), I was too exhausted and sore so I was crawling and answered the door on my knees the other time!!!

**tried my bloody hardest to get out today and somebody put their key in my door, was rattling the handle, chapping and eventually kicking the door.. I had my phone in my hand and called my sister to ask if she was at the door... she made me remember to press the buzzer for the concierge who told me it was a guy who just came into my block and was really drunk and must have got off at the wrong floor and that they'd come get him to the right place -3pm...back to bed in a state, sweating, legs like jelly, just...a mess..

Which is what I am

And all that I've done

And all that I do.

Semicolon Tattoo

My semicolon tattoo -I designed a frog with my eyes so as to incorporate a semicolon (yep, I've got eyes in the shape of a semicolon. 😂)(guess I'm not allowed to lie down to the horribly intrusive thoughts of the world being better off without me?)

**

I struggle deeply from waking to sleeping and have nightmares about it too... I have little respite from thoughts and memories where I've been told I am not worthy of life and stealing life from others by existing. It is a horrible thing to think of about someone else, least of all say it to them...yet, more than one person in this world has told me so. It's like a wee demon that stays with you and preys upon you.

Mentally, I'm at breaking point too -holding on by fingertips and it seems like some folk are throwing bricks at said fingers...

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy ~Douglas Adams

• We live in strange times.
  We also live in strange places: each in a universe of our own. The people with whom we populate our universes are the shadows of whole other universes intersecting with our own. Being able to glance out into this bewildering complexity of infinite recursion and say thing like, "Oh, hi, Ed! Nice tan. How's Carol?" involves a great deal of filtering skill for which all conscious entities have eventually to develop a capacity in order to protect themselves from the comtemplation of the chaos through which they see the and world tumble. So give your kid a break, okay?; Extract from Practical Parenting in a Fractally Demented Universe

• The universe is a lot more complicated than you might think even if you start from a position of thinking that its pretty damn complicated to begin with. - Mostly Harmless, The Guide, Mark II

• If I had two heads like you, Zaphod, I could have hours of fun banging them against a wall.
  • Radio Series.

• "It goes like this. Let's see now: 'Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen.' That's it. It's what you pray silently inside yourself anyway, so you may as well have it out in the open."
  Arthur: "Hmmm, Well, thank you - "
  Old Man: "There's another prayer that goes with it that's very important, so you'd better jot this down, too."
  Arthur: "OK."
  Old Man: "It goes, 'Lord, lord, lord...' It's best to put that bit in, just in case. You can never be too sure. 'Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer. Amen...' And that's it. Most of the trouble people get into in life comes from missing out that last part.'" - Old Man Oracle's prayer given to Arthur Dent

• The oracle hit himself on the thumb and began speaking in tongues. - The oracle as he is hammering a nail

• Old woman Oracle: "Can you help me pull out the photocopier?"
  Arthur: "What?"
  OWO: "The photocopier. It's solar-powered, but I have to keep it in the cave so the birds don't shit on it." 

***HHGTTG Radio Series***

• ...and he would then enter the long dark teatime of the soul. - (about Wowbagger, the Infinitely Prolonged)

• "Where God Went Wrong", "Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes", "Who is this God Person Anyway?" and "Well That About Wraps It Up for God". - The four books on God by 'Oolon Colluphid'

• [I've been] In a deep dark hole. I climbed out because I started to like it too much. ~Marvin

• It can be very dangerous to see things from someone else's point of view without the proper training.

Physical torture and mental agony CRPS and BPD

i am lost.

i am not me.

Why do the doctors think i am lying and hold back pain meds and say i am on max when i am not?

i can't call GP to ask for an appointment, don't have enough meds to eat them like sweets, what's left?

i can't take my mum with me to a GP appointment and say that i am so sore and destroyed that suicide seems the best solution for EVERYONE. 

It's horrific enough that i have messaged my sister and my friend to say anything (without actually using the word suicide because that's just disgusting of me!) but this pain is unbelievable and i can't stand it! 

i feel like i've been SCREAMING AT THEM FOR YEARS AND THEY ARE NOT LISTENING. 

My sister came with me to almost all of my orthopedic appointments and she did not let them leave until we understood what was said (i let docs leave without understandingbecause i feel like i should understand and know and trust them and shut the fuck up -much like i feel just now!

 i am grateful she came and i have leant heavily on her for far far too much and too long and she would be better off without me.

But... i need help shouting again...or even speaking. 

i don't know who else to ask.

Six years! i don't know whether to laugh or cry...

CRPS and my mental state have me on the edge

Folks I am so so sorry if this comes across as negative but I've been trapped in my flat for 23 days now. I was officially given a CRPS diagnosis in 2010 -and have a fair few other conditions-1 of which last required hospitalisation last year -the ONLY TIME in more than a decade where I met a doctor who somewhat understood CRPS and gave me a different/extra pain med.) My GP seems to think I'm pretending <I have BPD -borderline personality disorder- and my psychiatrist seems to think they aren't withholding meds but that my BPD just makes me think that they are> I have been FLAT OUT LAUGHED AT by a GP (sadly, this has happened more than once) I don't like calling or bothering people -I don't post on my Facebook anymore because I don't want to bring others down...

You understand, I'm sure, that nobody would pretend to be sore and speak to nobody for more than 3 weeks. This is the worst it has been since I can remember-which I sort of can't today, my brain has melted.

I don't know what to do anymore 

Too sore today

I have had CRPS symptoms since I was young and then in Jan 2010 I sledged into a tree, I was formally diagnosed with CRPS in the aftermath. (Doctors in hospital had also spoken about "musculoskeletal" pain/problems/ disorders... Do these things go hand in hand?!)

I also have CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome)/ more commonly known as M.E.

I have been told I am on the maximum painkillers and nerve medications I can be... I spend so many days staring at walls (today is one of them).

Doctors have washed their hands of me.

I no longer call the GP. The impact this isolation is having on my mental health is horrendous. 

Today, the wall is full of monsters. I wish they were real and would just put me out of this pain-filled day. 

People are shouting and swearing outside, come night it turns to fights. Often they are serious and I know of at least a handful of incidents treated as attempted murder, right outside my window. Less than a year since a -sadly, very sadly- 'successful' murder. (Not that I can see outside my window anymore... I just lie here in my body's daft joke with me telling my brain that I am wrapped in flames).

I freakishly wish those who would like to take the life of someone else would just open my door.

Mother of a Monster

i shook her hand on Sunday. 

i said "peace be with you".

i even addressed her by name when saying it.

i looked her in the eye when shaking her hand.

My mum warned me immediately after she was told the rota had been changed. 

i told my mum that it was fine, that that woman didn't do anything;

that i, in fact, felt kind of sorry for her for knowing that her son was a monster...

But i am not okay now;

It is tearing me apart.