in hospital

Slipped and fell quite spectacularly 8 days ago.Struggled to breathe properly since. Thought it was musculoskeletal trauma like last time so retry much ignored it as best I could. Was making a 3D nativity  scene with 4 of my nieces and nephews 3days ago and realised how wheezy and how much I was struggling. Had been using nebuliser since falling and used it as soon as the wee yins left. Relief for only 30 mins. Called mental health crisis team because my physical health was really impacting on my mental health and I figured out of hours would hunt me. The crisis team told me to call and see then call them back and let them know what happened. I did. Out of hours were organising a house call. I called  them back as promised -crisslis team that is. Doctor called wanted to see me pronto so sent patient transport to get me. Got there with blue lips so they sat me on nebuliser and called ambulance. Been in since. Only day 3 but am in an open-plan ward. I hate it. I want to be in a corner. Or better yet  smaller ward...or even BETTER yet...my own room. I cut my legs and shoulders last night. I was like an animal. I couldn't stop myself. For ages. I hate me. I disgust me. I do not want to be here. Or anywhere. I can't bear to see these elderly ladies. I'll not get like that. I'll not get to that stage...because I'll not get to that age.

humanity's curse?

is it inevitable to have masses of worry and love for others and be non-existent to them?

being 'very lucky'

was told by health care 'professional' (I use inverted commas like that when i've had a tough time with things and don't see them like you're supposed to -and that word is in italics, because i'm pretty sure we're being brainwashed into this 'logic'!!)

Anyhoo...apparently my stopping my medications so ridiculously abruptly was just that -ridiculous...

" there have been spontaneous reports of adverse events occurring upon discontinuation of these drugs, particularly when abrupt, including the following: dysphoric mood, irritability, agitation, dizziness, sensory disturbances (e.g., paresthesias such as electric shock sensations), anxiety, confusion, headache, lethargy, emotional liability, insomnia, hypomania, tinnitus and seizures"


i'm a wee bit torn here though...because there are moments when i am genuinely glad i didn't have a seizure and die, but then there are other moments...

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!!

American kids are KNOWINGLY brainwashed?!!!

Adverts have been shown IN SCHOOLS in the USA?!!! Apparently "Channel One news network" has been funneling its news into the eyes of MILLIONS of American schoolchildren in 8000 schools for 12 minutes a day -EVERY SINGLE DAY!! And since it can reach 6 MILLION KIDS "Channel One sell 30 second ad-spots for a minimum of $200,000, so that advertisers can reach that most attention-lapsed of markets – the young ‘uns"...

I absolutely can't imagine this happening in the UK ...

AND, WAIT FOR IT...IT'S NOT NEW??!!It's been happening since 1989?!!...was everyone else aware of this (obviously if you're an American buddy you were aware...well, maybe you weren't aware that that's not how folk in my class grew up...Heaven's above there was an outcry when Thatcher took our milk away from us in school...I can't imagine what would happen if they PUT adverts into the classroom here!! Actually...I think I can...I mightn't have kids at school but I have 6 nieces and nephews and enough cousins and other folk's kids that I care about that I'd probably end up spearheading a vendetta against the powers -read idiots- that be)

I can't sleep...this is actually jaw-dropping to me...

 

Have you ever been SO angry

Have you ever been SO angry SO filled with rage and pain that it just seems to bubble in your brain?

Has it ever seemed as though your skin is itching, moving, begging, pleading, SCREAMING to be punched or cut or burned?

Have you ever fought it for ages?

Have you ever slipped up?

Has it then all seemed a waste?

Might as well be done for the sheep as the lamb?

Distractions have ceased to help.

Sleep vanished for a while...

running on autopilot and running on empty

zombie mode

things that i turn to to return to 'normal' hurt me and leave marks for evermore...

but how else do i get out of this darkness?

i can't pretend anymore

i can't pretend things are fine anymore.
i can't fake a smile anymore.

i am sore.
all the time.
the doctors don't care or listen
my knees hurt, my elbows hurt, my back's beyond sore and it feels like there's an elephant on my chest, albeit a small one...but it's CONSTANT...

they only 'care' when you're dead

then they get a group together to wok out how nothing could have been done and nobody is to blame for the 'tragedy'

instead of my scars reminding me of what i've managed to survive, they're just a constant reminder of my inability to cope and my failures - they're a constant trigger

i wish i could just die in an accident
so i don’t get accused of attention seeking as usual
or bring more sgame on my family than i already do
or hurt the ones who really do try to help

damnit i was doing good

and now it's all wasted.

i KNOW every moment's a new moment and i can start again...
but i'll only waste it eventually...
i waste everything...

food, electricity, water, heat, clothes, shoes, medication, oxygen.

i'm a waster. an absolute waste of space.

i’m fat
i’m ugly
i hate everything
i want to die

i wish i could just die already
end the pain
stop feeling so useless and
stop being such a burden
i wish i could just hang the rope up and let go

...but i can’t
...and that kills me

so
i've cut,
everyone thinks i’ve stopped
but i’m a liar
i'm deceitful and manipulative

i don't deserve my family 
i don’t deserve friends
i don’t deserve anything