And the arse fell out of my world

5am? Again? This side of it...
And i have a cracker of a chest infection that i cannot shift -go to the GP you'd think? You're lucky enough to live in the UK -that doesn't even cost you! GO!

Oh, where do i start?

One word.

Psychosomatic.

That's what they'll say.

"Oh come on! You're mind reading! You do NOT know they'll say that!"
Really? Let's chalk it up to 19 years worth of HEARING THAT DAMN WORD!!! From a VARIETY of doctors, nurses, psychologists, psychiatrists, counsellors, psychotherapists, CPNs...  most of whom CAN BARELY WAIT to drop me off their lists of 'wasters'.

I'm wheezing like a burst accordion and this is making the cat's cry; fair enough. They'd be better off with a ... anyone else.
Why did I DO THIS to them?

Be a rescue home when i am ... me.

i had been saying a bit of a motto thing to myself, trying to lull myself into believing it perhaps?
If i rescue them, they'll rescue me.
WRONG.
Selfish and wrong.

They'd need YET ANOTHER uprooting if i were to ...

Why do i LIVE in this non-life? Thinking, no, BELIEVING(!) that it's the best thing for EVERYONE, everywhere... stop leaching-wasting energy, money, time from the actual purposeful and helpful and worthwhile lives of others.
How dreadful must it be for a therapist to discover that a patient/client/number has not survived the night?
Even for the ones i've never liked or got on with i have ALWAYS kept that pretty close to the front of my mind in times of pitch black.
Just now?
i kind of wish i had met my 1to1 person through a different means.
The woman IMMEDIATELY PRIOR to her was similar with my thoughts in that respect but this time it is different yet again.

It wouldn't be quite right to say I'd hated anyone before but i sure did feel like a number. i never felt able to talk about things that perhaps i have realised now have become SO buried because of this (and other things -the brain is pretty amazing! I buried and I MEAN VOOMPH removed entire people from my head! MORE THAN ONE?!!! Just to get through the day! Wow!! The brain is truly amazing!)
<so wait! Maybe i shouldn't unpick? DO I NEED TO? SHOULD I?!>

For once, i feel safe enough to talk about things. Bad things.
New bad things.
The things that have had me be physically sick since starting group therapy and that sort of unlocking the things my brain had to cleverly buried.
So if i feel safe enough, and these many new things are rising to the surface of my brain mishmash...
but i don't want to throw them onto her or the folk in the group -everyone has their own struggles, i KNOW this...they also have WAY MORE worthwhile stuff and more of a chance to do something in this world for the better. i am just a waster/loser/leach/whatever.

i was always sad but glad that Sam was physically far away.
i wasn't able to completely drown her with the tar that surrounds me.

i don't know what to do.

Alone but ok

Passed 30 and having been told by family that I'll never marry or have children, you'd think I'd be sad to see another get engaged...and then (yet) another's announcement today...

But I'm not.

I'm re-reading (well, listening to -to be more accurate) The Chronicles of Narnia. 

So many throwaway phrases and comments used to tear me apart.

But today? The phrases 

Timing is everything.

What's for you won't go by you...

I'm doing OK and THAT IS ENOUGH.

And that?? Has made me GENUINELY HAPPY for the folk around me. = )

I MAY be getting better or at least DEALING BETTER with things.

PIP

You're supposed to not need PIP in the UK because you should BE GETTING YOUR CARE NEEDS MET FOR FREE!!' It makes me so so sad that this is not he case and that the "powers that be" don't see this!!!!

***

I was getting the same care company as the 95 year old on my floor (I was 25)...I was paying upwards of £25 per hour. The 95 year old was paying £0...

THIS is why they think you need no help financially in terms of applying for PIP.

***

what they do not do is sit for just a SECOND AND THINK!!

--this woman was getting 3 lots of 30-45minute slots per day. That was not enough to help. She (fortunately for her) has a loving son who would come by EVERY SINGLE WEEK -I was going to write day, but I'm certain there would have been the odd day he couldn't...

She was asked by -and encouraged by- the housing association to use her buzzer and ask for any other help she might need. You see, we live in a high rise (4 skyscrapers are in a giant square round a wee bit of grass, so, it's got a 24hour manned -or womanned HA!- concierge section.

well, my lovely neighbour is like me --we are both too worried that we would cause worry someone else... 

eventually the wardens added us to the "phone call" list. Where someone would buzz us morning and night to check all was ok.

Even with this all in place... I do not walk unaided and am too proud/vain to ask for help I guess. Same for my neighbour. She then had her decision making removed from her and went to a home for the elderly.

..

the people who have never been in constant need DO NOT see the need as fully as they should -THEY SHOULD DEFINITELY NOT BE IN CHARGE OF MAKING LAWS ABOUT who gets what...

it hurts my heart do so very very much and my head... so I have to shoosh now.

sorry.

i hope I made some sort of sense  -it started off well (in my head) ...but I fall apart when I try to word it. 

Side effects

Is it all just greed? 

I've been on 2 in this list for more than 15 years... and a 3rd from the list on several occasions in the same time span..

my mental health now has me thinking I'm overthinking or overreacting about asking about them.

When/if I DO work up courage to ask about them I'm told to shoosh and stop overthinking ... that helps my head none.

Does everyone in the UK feel as though it's pretty much "no second opinion" land -don't get me wrong!! I'd be dead if it weren't for the free healthcare here... I am grateful and lucky and I KNOW THIS ALL TOO WELL --> it adds to my head chaos.

my medication was calculated once, and at that time it cost £34,000 for my medications alone... this was shown to me for some reason and I've been falling apart over that since. I'd love to be medication-free and realise the total burden I am at the moment.

Is everyone else a complete mess and worrier?

I know a doctor SHOULDN'T say daft thoughtless things that make people worse but I feel like I should take it and shut up about it since I'm being such a leach. (The not nice things that have been said I mean, not medication...though perhaps I mean both...I don't really know anymore)

For being so saddened by lives lost all over this world I really struggle to see how mine is valid... 

http://www.alternet.org/personal-health/6-drugs-whose-dangerous-risks-were-buried-so-big-pharma-could-make-money

Delete Pass

I have multiple disabilities and mental illness labels -I NEVER walk unaided and can mange 10 minutes on crutches without having to stop. I have a rollator which is getting very difficult to manage- 5-10 minutes without having to sit on it is my limit. I have a manual wheelchair BUT very complex brittle acute asthma and managing it is VERY dependent on MANY FACTORS -the weather causing my steroid use to increase (which I'm dependant upon in a 'good' day anway Ha. Never less than 45mg., if someone is smoking or wearing a perfume I'm allergic to which can mean I have to use my nebuliser, 2 months ago I got an electric wheelchair and have gone outside without family for the first time in 7 years... my anxieties are through the roof but I have REALLY worked hard in order to go outside without them and burden them less (I wake up feeling a burden and think it all day until my nightmares of being a burden arrive), I AM truly trying! I had an annual delivery pass for Asda but since that year expired I have been unable to shop since, let alone buy another year's pass... my mental state is, well, in a state. I cannot see the next day let alone week, month and as for year?? I cannot press the button on BUY. I immediately fall to pieces and return to bed -that is, if I've left it...

Group MBT

Soooo.. BPD mentalisation group has changed from learning about what it means, to putting it into practice...sort of, we had the 2nd meeting of the pre-group (they're dragging it out a bit in my opinion-JUST START THE DAMN GROUP already!!) 

Anyway, I'd never missed ANY of the info session things and that was really pushing myself -not good with outside, not good with people, panic attacks, adapted car taken away by government because they deemed me fit to walk (even when doc and co say no)...blah, blah...

I missed ONE MEETING.

The last one.

It was the day I woke up to my cat needing help and being put to sleep...

I didn't realise how it would impact upon me at the group.

I didn't REALLY realise how much I hate missing things/being late etc...

People were saying sorry about the cat having to go for his forever sleep and it was all going ok...

THEN it transpired that not one, but TWO of the rules 

* not allowed to meet outwith group 

* not allowed to be friends on social media

WILL ONLY APPLY TO ME?!!! What the fuck?!

Everyone already has each other on facebook!!!

Except me.

They know each other from homeless units (I WOULD have been with them by the way, but I wasn't allowed into those facilities because I have walking aids and some medications of mine are toxic and so *I* was considered "a hazard"...

This has been eating my head constantly since Wednesday and I am in the headspace where I just don't want to go to the fucking group now!!!

I've waited longer than all the people in it because no buildings were suitable for me to get to for psychiatry or anything because they're all stairs...

The others there said they were slightly annoyed that they'd had to wait for the group I was in to finish, so that THIS ONE could start!!!!

What the fuck!!?!

I'm so angry!

My psychiatrist retired right as the last group ended and I was left without help (and I've returned to my old vice of punching walls, banging head, pulling hair out, hurting me in whatever way I seem to be able to get through that moment doing...because, well, yeah, THAT makes sense!!! (Sarcasm? Moi?) I HATE MYSELF---I KNOW it doesn't make sense to do that!!)

There were3empty chairs. I'm hoping these were the girls (well, women!) I knew from the other group...

Anyhoo...

We were flat out asked if anything was worrying us about next group starting... one girl had been speaking to the others but not me...

I said, "I feel like Jade doesn't like me"... she stormed out, was crying in the hall and taken into another room.

**I was left with the fucking fall out!**

One of the others said I was talking about her in front of her as though she wasn't there!!! 

I don't see how I can make this work.

My new therapist will be the person taking the group.

We hadn't set eyes on each other prior to this.

I'm supposed to go meet her next week for first appointment.

It's getting ridiculous-I can't keep going over with the backstory each time someone leaves...

This is therapist 20+ ...granted only a handful probably managed to stay long enough to get any actual work done with my stupid logic... 

Each time I have to explain things from the past I relive it and that week/fortnight is GONE...

Starting over, yet again... 

I pure just can't. 

It doesn't help that everyone else has their kids, partners, lives... cut to me, living alone (and my cat that I had to have put to sleep? My family won't let me get another... they didn't like the last one. They're glad he's gone. If I end up in hospital they didn't like having to check in on him. He was a burden to them. As am I.

(I had an electric timed food thing but he worked out how to unlock it...and the cupboards...and fridge...LOL) 

When am i allowed to give the fuck up?

When does doing that become less of a burden than being the burden i'm told that i am when living?

how i just described the holy spirit lol

Well the way I saw things, before anything was alive the Holy Spirit was everywhere, like a mist kind of idea... so the wording "conceived of the Holy Spirit" was from the fact the God already existed on/in our plane in that form... 

(whether we embrace that or be not is what keeps everyone from JUST  

BEING ABLE TO LOVE AND QUIT ALL THE GREED AND INSANITY THAT IS HURTING EVERYONE ELSE, sorry, recent chaos and particularly vile acts of horror/cowardice have me ranting...

Sooo... back to the topic, I digress so much it's difficult to stop tearing up when even sitting alone these days...)

...I thought of it as a way to show how Mary said her "yes" to the Holy Spirit and also to stress that she had not sinned, because we humans would possibly jump to the conclusion that ok, maybe Joseph isn't the father but another earthly human must be... 

Ah humans! So simple and so completely complex.

In a nutshell? 

In my mind, I think when Jesus says "you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you" to His apostles - He was HAVING to let them change the way they were wired and BE OPEN TO THE HOLY SPIRIT...that way, they could say THEIR yes...

Imagine?! 

You're an apostle

 - you've left ALL of your family, friends, EVERYONE and EVERYTHING... 

you TRULY trust in His logic and want to help Him

 *He did ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE things - but YOU WERE THERE, YOU SAW IT... ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE, but He ACCOMPLISHED these great things!! ...You now DEFINITELY BELIEVE in His teachings and are actively helping Him reach out to others; as many people as you can...(but you kind of probably still want to be in His closest circle still -there has to be a hierarchy, it's how the world works _even then *rolls eyes, trying not to have another rant*...

*He taught you MANY MANY things [*I* imagine from waking til  sleeping He was teaching, teaching, teaching - LIVING, *TRULY* LIVING what He  is saying 

---wait! The religious men back then, living religious lives, surely THEY did this? Surely they wouldn't try to trick anyone into helping someone on the sabbath so as to embarrass them or anything like that? ........

*Oh! Then, remember the time? He had been flat-out told that some people  had said they thought He was a prophet, some were saying they thought He was some sort of reincarnation of Elijah...oh! There must have been ALL SORTS of things flying around!!!! Jesus asks what THEY think... "You are the Messiah, the Son of the Living God" -good rock of a friend there! Yes, Simon Peter...but even HE IS LATER TESTED TO THE LIMITS OF HUMAN NATURE...

*NOW?? You love your friend, He has shown you how to LIVE LOVE, how to SPREAD LOVE and done INCREDIBLE works before you -this IS IT! THIS IS "THE MESSIAH"... you'd heard/read/been told that one day this was all going to happen and you?? You get to be HIS FRIEND, HE CHOSE YOU TO BE HIS FRIEND AND TO HELP HIM! You KNOW this as fact! Your human mind is a bit fried, but it's all good LIVING LOVE -so simple and amazing!

*Then?!!!!! One of the group BETRAYS Him! It's almost unbelievable, but it's happening! He is taken away and all the people who had sat with your group listening to Him and some who had watched Him do the not-impossible-for-Him? They're turning against Him????! What's happening? Why doesn't He just stop this? Why doesn't He let you all fight for Him? He stopped the first fight in the garden of Gethsemane IMMEDIATELY (and healed the injury from that encounter!) -He CAN do anything!!!!! 

They have killed Him. Murdered Him in THEE MOST HORRIFIC and public and humiliating way possible!!!!

HE IS DEAD!!!!

HE IS DEAD????!!!??!

What is happening! The world's gone CRAZY!

Right! Find the gang! Go to that wee room nobody will think to look in and you can all talk this over and work out 1. What's happening! 2. What's happened?! 3. What to do next.

*HE IS NOT DEAD? You've now seen Him. For yourself!! You thought you were going mad and had seen things you hadn't seen -or just wanted to- before! You're so glad your friend is not dead!!! There are nearly no words to describe your relief at a) Him not being dead and b) you not being insane! Seriously, in that room it was starting to get a bit heated -who was sure they saw what? "No! I DID have leftovers in my baskets!" ... "well, I only saw the basket I had!"

Wait! He has to go back again?! To heaven?! What's with all the trumpets?! It's amazing! He IS ACTUALLY rising into the sky, but you kind of would like Him to stay (you're only human after all! That IS your one-of-a-kind-friend -there WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER LIKE HIM!

Best get back to the room and pray again. He told you that the Holy Spirit will be coming to you all when you are in there and 

THAT

WILL

BE

HOW

YOU

WILL:

1) get through this -your head feels a bit scrambled if you're truly honest!

2) get through to others ---that was His message A LOT in His stories AND in the way He lived. Simply by living love others will too.

***

SOOOOOO...

I digressed a wee bit I guess...but that's how I see it.

Jesus told them the Holy Spirit was coming to help them in order for them to open up to ALLOW the Holy Spirit to be visible to them and work in them and through them.

>I hope that that made sense, somewhere, some way...

>I also hope it wasn't offensive or incorrect- if it IS BLATANTLY incorrect I'd like to know I've gone wrong and I WILL work on learning !!!