Group MBT

Soooo.. BPD mentalisation group has changed from learning about what it means, to putting it into practice...sort of, we had the 2nd meeting of the pre-group (they're dragging it out a bit in my opinion-JUST START THE DAMN GROUP already!!) 

Anyway, I'd never missed ANY of the info session things and that was really pushing myself -not good with outside, not good with people, panic attacks, adapted car taken away by government because they deemed me fit to walk (even when doc and co say no)...blah, blah...

I missed ONE MEETING.

The last one.

It was the day I woke up to my cat needing help and being put to sleep...

I didn't realise how it would impact upon me at the group.

I didn't REALLY realise how much I hate missing things/being late etc...

People were saying sorry about the cat having to go for his forever sleep and it was all going ok...

THEN it transpired that not one, but TWO of the rules 

* not allowed to meet outwith group 

* not allowed to be friends on social media

WILL ONLY APPLY TO ME?!!! What the fuck?!

Everyone already has each other on facebook!!!

Except me.

They know each other from homeless units (I WOULD have been with them by the way, but I wasn't allowed into those facilities because I have walking aids and some medications of mine are toxic and so *I* was considered "a hazard"...

This has been eating my head constantly since Wednesday and I am in the headspace where I just don't want to go to the fucking group now!!!

I've waited longer than all the people in it because no buildings were suitable for me to get to for psychiatry or anything because they're all stairs...

The others there said they were slightly annoyed that they'd had to wait for the group I was in to finish, so that THIS ONE could start!!!!

What the fuck!!?!

I'm so angry!

My psychiatrist retired right as the last group ended and I was left without help (and I've returned to my old vice of punching walls, banging head, pulling hair out, hurting me in whatever way I seem to be able to get through that moment doing...because, well, yeah, THAT makes sense!!! (Sarcasm? Moi?) I HATE MYSELF---I KNOW it doesn't make sense to do that!!)

There were3empty chairs. I'm hoping these were the girls (well, women!) I knew from the other group...

Anyhoo...

We were flat out asked if anything was worrying us about next group starting... one girl had been speaking to the others but not me...

I said, "I feel like Jade doesn't like me"... she stormed out, was crying in the hall and taken into another room.

**I was left with the fucking fall out!**

One of the others said I was talking about her in front of her as though she wasn't there!!! 

I don't see how I can make this work.

My new therapist will be the person taking the group.

We hadn't set eyes on each other prior to this.

I'm supposed to go meet her next week for first appointment.

It's getting ridiculous-I can't keep going over with the backstory each time someone leaves...

This is therapist 20+ ...granted only a handful probably managed to stay long enough to get any actual work done with my stupid logic... 

Each time I have to explain things from the past I relive it and that week/fortnight is GONE...

Starting over, yet again... 

I pure just can't. 

It doesn't help that everyone else has their kids, partners, lives... cut to me, living alone (and my cat that I had to have put to sleep? My family won't let me get another... they didn't like the last one. They're glad he's gone. If I end up in hospital they didn't like having to check in on him. He was a burden to them. As am I.

(I had an electric timed food thing but he worked out how to unlock it...and the cupboards...and fridge...LOL) 

When am i allowed to give the fuck up?

When does doing that become less of a burden than being the burden i'm told that i am when living?