Yet another UTI and I could just scream

This is ONLY JUST May and I'm in DOUBLE DIGITS for number of UTIs this year... My head is telling me that if I hammer my shin (that's a funny word!) then I won't feel the pain in my vajayjay  so badly...

I can't even type or make sense or do much of anything atm... LOL ATM -that's what people in America call the cash machine outside a bank etc -in Glasgow, and nearby, we call it "the hole in the wall" I kid you not...

Distractions from pain...typing utter gibberish...

Peace in this world, PLEASE.

You know the question you're asked as a child "if you had 3 wishes what would they be"...

Seriously, only need one.

That everyone would just LOVE...

It really is THAT SIMPLE...

People CHOOSE to complicate it and it breaks my heart

Coloboma and me

*I have UNILATERAL (in one eye only) COLOBOMA (the eye did not form fully) of the IRIS, RETINA, OPTIC NERVE and CHOROID.

*The SAME eye is microphthalmic (small eye) and has nystagmus (fast to-and-fro movements of the eyes).

*I also developed a VERY noticeable strabismus (squint) which was surgically corrected when I was 26; it was highly unlikely to self-correct since there was not enough vision there to pull it in the other direction. 

I am completely blind in that eye. 

My mum and dad were given a ghastly prognosis (good old scary eighties! LOL!) 

They were told I'd be delayed in every way possible -and would be lucky to hit ANY milestones etc etc; they were told I'd NEVER go to mainstream schooling etc and would ALWAYS need cared for...

Well I went to a nursery school for blind and partially-sighted kids and apparently hit a great many milestones well before expected...particularly emotional ones *i was the wee girl who was always checking everyone got a turn with the ball/whatever game we were playing* LOL

I went to mainstream schools and was in the top classes of every subject with the exception of sports -I just can't get the hang of depth perception and so would completely plummet in mood (and I MADE SURE that EVERYONE knew it!Hahahaa!!) *however, thinking back, I didnt try mich and because of my visual impairment, teachers were afraid to push me.. I'd just blame my vision/lack thereof when i couldn't be bothered or didn't like something...i got let off with SOOOO much!!

anyhoo...after high school, I then went to (mainstream) university and gained an honours degree in music.

I live in my own flat. 

Alone. 

Well, with pets...lol.

I drive...

I'm so grateful to my parents and siblings and other family members...they supported me AND knew when tough love was the way to do it!!

I don't know how they did it!!

No children so my opinions aren't valid?!

I was basically, no...let me start again.

I was flat-out told this.

Actually, I have been told this on more occasions than I can recall...and what with post traumatic stress disorder locking my ass at the moment o don't even want to TRY to recall any that aren't already whipping me right back in time, place and all senses...

I'm not angry about being told this; it just hurts.

I'm 'only' an aunt so all of my nieces and nephews have been told a great many times to simply ignore anything I've said.

It often hasn't been made clear to them that it's only for whatever issue my siblings and I obviously disagree on.

At the moment, I have one niece who is hurting my heart sooooo much! 

She'll just completely ignore me.

She could be about to walk into a wall and I try to help her but she just freaking blanks me!!!!!

Then, today, she ignored something my mum asked of her. I feel dreadful for having that make me feel slightly better!!!!

My head is so warped and twisted.

What a horrible daughter I am!

What a horrible thing to have happened to my mum, and on Mother's Day too!

(Oh but then I'm NOT a mother and today only served to drive their point deeper into my messed up mind!)

I'm sick of being a waste of space.

I'm sick of being a nothing.

Posting publicly about my messy head

I mean, under my own name.

I still have palpitations...

I posted it at the end of January.

Right to life

I often - and I MEAN often - (take just now for example, it's nearing 2 in the morning and I'm wondering! ...This LITERALLY KEEPS ME AWAKE!) wonder/worry about how many people are 'missing' from:

our world; my age group; the continent I am on; the country I call home; the city I call home; places I have visited ...

Would I have met the people who didn't get a chance at life because they were seen as 'DISPOSABLE'? Would they have been my friend? Would they have made me feel less alien/alone? Would one of them have been the father of my children???

Does this (of course it most certainly does!) mean that there's a knock on effect and because I have no children, another generation will be EVEN MORE LACKING???!

Seriously, keeps me up...

Then, of course, my mind has thought of that within a fraction of a second...but sparked off a zillion paths weeping for the family I never even knew I missed -not because they didn't survive from an accident, but purposefully...

I actually have cried for them -have I had cousins who were torn to shreds in the place they should have been most safe? 

Then there are the males who DON'T KNOW they've had children that weren't given a chance... 

How can we allow this to happen and to continue. 

My heart hurts.

My head is SWIMMING.

So too are my eyes now...

Meltdown called crisis

Called the number I was given for mental health crisis last week (I think)... They said they were going to call me back on the 3rd of Feb. So I called another number and got my psychiatrist's Personal Assistant ... I never call for help. I barely ask for help. Psych called me even though she only works one day a week and that wasn't one of them.

She asked if I could stay with my sister. I did just that night...

Now? I'm worse than ever.

I have had flashbacks and nightmares and now I'm lost in them.

I see no anything. No future. Nothing. I'm just so helpless and a total inconvenience.

I'm drowning and completely empty inside and everyone else everyone is ok and "life goes on" ... But ... I have no life, it's completely messed up beyond the beyonds.

I tried explaining it but I'm going round in circles and I just end up back here every time.

Some people can try and say it'll be ok or whatever, that they know what it's like... 

Umm really? 

You don't get it!

 I don't get it!!

I wish I could just go somewhere and stop existing - one bit of pain to anyone that might feel that (and I feel fucking big headed thinking I'd be of any significance to anyone to cause them any anything)...

I can't even cut.

Punching yeah ok and that's it and that's all.

I don't care if someone has to deal with all the clutter I've collected. Or finding me. But I can't.

Can't even leave right.

Idiot.

Nobody could possibly hate anyone more than I hate me.