CRPS is a nerve condition -my nerves are damaged <your head will be too if you keep rolling your eyes>

I was sledging in the second week of January 2010 and hit a tree...I broke my right ankle (a spiral fracture) I was put in a cast that did not allow for the swelling of the leg and caused my toes to turn black...

In a nutshell, I ended up in plaster for SIX MONTHS and now I walk with a boot and a rollator. 

Realising 6 years is nearly upon me is galling. I've waited on hydrotherapy and physio from the NHS but I seem to slip through every net. The accident happened when I was 25...I'm now 31 and my mental health has taken a massive knock. I'm desperate to walk again without a boot and aids. Nobody knows what CRPS is when I have to sit after less than 10minutes of being up a great many people will roll their eyes and I've even had several people comment on how lazy I am and how I am not helping myself...

My hied is busting!

My soul is sad

IF YOU CAN READ THIS...

•you've had the benefit of education (even if you didn't make the best of what you had at the time you had there);

•you have access to the Internet;

•you have some device on which to access this (or access to a device);

•you are LIKELY to have access to money, food, healthcare -even if you wish it were more, better or more quickly;

•you're POSSIBLY able to express your opinion (even if it's under a pseudonym online or only with peers);

•you can see (or possibly only hear) this...(some people never have had these gifts we take for granted too easily);

•you are breathing (even if it is with equipment to help) -we too easily forget some have never made it to their FIRST breath, some parents have never got to hold their baby/babies...some fathers have never known of their children...others have never cared and left scarred and broken children...some children may have been left by both;

...YOU ARE LUCKY!

~^* Luckier than more than 3/4 of this world AT LEAST...

(I do not like to use sweeping statements or percentages that I haven't researched... I KNOW the percentage is, however, higher than the one I have have used) *^~

My heart breaks for this world and the sadness in it.

War poppies and crying

My grandfather was in the navy and spoke to me on only two occasions about his experiences - I had one of these brief discussions with him in my late teens, after having visited battle fields and memorials, having walked in trenches and down the holes in the earth from canon fire, having cried at the playing of the Last Post at Meningate... for the sixth time in my life. Forcing poppy wearing is, quite frankly, in my honest opinion, idiotic and I have (thankfully) never come across anyone who holds this view. I hadn't even heard of groups wanting this to be a requirement until only a few hours ago!!!

It would, surely, lead to ANY meaning behind it becoming lost on a sea of poppies??!!!

War is ugly.

Making the poppies with pretty Swarovski crystals that were profits do not go to the place where the origins of the poppy being made?? That would be greed on the part of someone else - the way so many fights and wars start...

And this 'pretty poppy'?

It does NOT make ANY war ANY LESS ugly.

**

For me, the red poppies symbolise the bloodshed, the lives lost and wasted, the pain and heartache, the worst of human nature; 

A white poppy to me is...- for a future of peace one day...

I hope the world finds peace one day before humandkind completely destroys the land on which they rely for life.

Calming down now

I was having an 'OK' day then my sister was tremendously horrid (I was trying to open a bag with a baby grow inside it for my niece - her girl) <having dexterity problems nowadays>

...she snatched it from me, I thought, for a second, to help me...

and threw it across to the other side of the room (bearing in mind I then couldn't reach it AND she had already put my crutches somewhere 'out of the way' where I couldn't reach...she said I was making too much noise over the tv...

Inside was a gift for her baby and I was checking there wasn't a receipt etc...

I crawled to get my crutches and left in tears.

I'm just in the way.

I've fought for HOURS since leaving hers to stay safe.

I'm not sure I can do things without her -she knows this and will ask for money in a roundabout way and in such a way that I cannot say no.

She saw my bank app...

I can't even.

I just can't.

Friends and being a rubbishy one

I've spent FAR too many hours crying over how much of a letdown I am to everyone...

I've completely melted down and caused myself physical harm over these intense feelings.

Social anxiety has crippled me and I don't like to go outside AT ALL anymore...

I had a friend I drove LOTS of places and messaged CONSTANTLY then she got a new boyfriend and I've had my car taken back by the powers that be...

This has ONLY JUST occurred to me...I realise that people have probably experienced this several times over prior to reaching their 30s but I haven't...

I melted again today...

I have no fresh food again and I'm just a total burden everywhere ...

I wasn't able to ask for help at first l, then I was...now I can't again and as stupid as it may be, well, it bugs me to high heaven that people nearby NEED me to explain EVERY TIME when I need help, or...well, food...

I mean...

I could scream...

In truth, I'd rather scream than feel how I do inside... I feel like I'm on fire inside...

Borderline personality disorder makes me feel too much at once and then I switch off to get by and not self harm or shout at the wrong person (that would be everyone... I'm a nothing.)

denied Holy Communion by priest

Last weekend (after attending Holy Mass but being unable to manage to Holy Communion ...I have mobility issues and visual impairment...-and none of the 5 Eucharistic Ministers noticing, nor the Priest...) I asked for Holy Communion after Mass and was told nope...went to car had a greet with 12&7 year old nieces I'd brought, went back in -composed- and was flat out told I was not "in my place" and to "stop arguing" -I wasn't, I just wanted to know the logic behind it ESPECIALLY given that week's Gospel
AND you want to have heard the homily...which I did...twice...

I went to evening Mass -he couldn't even look at me.

Didn't go their this weekend...

I swear -I must be made of see-through stuff or look like I'm bringing a bad reputation to Christianity ... Ostracised much??!!!!

I used to attend daily -morning prayer and Holy Mass.
And from 3 to 28 never missed a single Mass or holy day of obligation and canted the Masses... Sometimes 4 a weekend...

I feel as though I'm being made to feel like a nothing...I have tried to offer the only thing I can (my voice..but no longer do now)

My heart is breaking.

My self harm is even worse than ever and now I've come clean with my psychiatrist about having switched to a hammer because bruises are easier to explain away...

medical review / assessment

I have no idea how in going to be around still in 2 days...

I can't see how I can ... Agoraphobia and social anxiety aside, plus 3 bruised ribs (don't even ask! In a nutshell i fell over the not assembled double bed the consierge put in my bedroom so they didn't have to put it into storage -apparently that's my flat's job!)...
So now I have a chest infection because I can't take deep breaths... Mnyargh...

Honestly! You can't make this cr@p up...

Plus the USED mattress came with 'friends'... Boalk!!
Poor cat needed washed -TWICE!!!

They wonder why I think they're all out to get me!?????

They have also waited til my mum and dad are out of the county to have this assessment!!!

10 days they're not in the UK... I swear to flarfinyarf!!!!

Sorry folks...

Had to vent somewhere...

Maybe someone can smile at this...