Restless heart and silence

I like Blessed Mother Teresa's saying about how "everything grows in silence"...spot on! The past few years have been pretty silent for me and sometimes -as with everyone, I'm sure- downright soul destroying ...

That was a term I used to throw about YEARS ago...but now??...oh, I understand it and do NOT USE IT LIGHTLY!!! 

At this moment, I am mid-fight but on the winning side... I refuse to cut myself or do ANY FORM OF SELF HARM...no no no INWOLL NOT GIVE IN TO THESE STUPID THOUGHTS...I *used* to feel better when I did it...but I haven't for a great many years now...

I have a working brain at the moment...and...

So, I'm able to post...

Other times..

Meh, not so much...

So many things try to take the peace and quiet away from me...literally -and when it gets to me...I really DO NOT GROW...

My heart is restless...til I turn to the only one who can help me...

Care provisions being cut

5 years since walking unaided  ...feels WAAY longer though I think perhaps because agoraphobia kicked in and my utter inability to sleep for more than 5hours a day...and they're not joined!...

Haven't left the flat alone for nearly 3 weeks...and that includes the bin chute! 😔

Last Friday I left flat (with support worker, but only after MUCH coaxing...to go into lift, down 2 car to get washing out of car boot and put rubbish in big bin at bottom of flats)!!!

Sorry for the rant.. But how is that helpful!!!?! Rargh!!

Being the "old me" is never going to happen, ok, that's fine -and probably for the best...

But I'd like to be able to ... Not be like this...

My support workers are being removed (because it's "not in the budget")...except the company who help me shower...

Ooooh shower...had an assessment done today...assessor is recommending a wet room, rails at bed and extra buzzers...ummm this was PRIOR to my faceplant/toesmash where I broke toes and screamed...(they're not broken for def -not had X-rays or anything, just giant and purple!)

I'm not going for more X-rays...I'll end up with munchausens written in MASSIVE LETTERS all over my medical records or something...pretty sure the wee one is though-it's black now...

I'm an idiot and I need to STOP lending money!!

Having a rubbish day...I'm such an idiot...I loaned A LOT of money to someone I 'met' via facebook (not this group) and I think I've been told a pack of lies...I can't tell anyone I've done this (I did it once before -but it was a new neighbour on the landing and she told me a bunch of lies about having no food and could she borrow just a wee bit so her and her cat -I have one so she knew that would hook me I guess- could eat...over a year later and she's still got £60 of mine...)(social work and housing and community police made a report when I asked them not to...I already had agoraphobia before that...now I can't even go to the bin chute!!!!!)

Anyway I'm sorry for the rant...just trying to not go completely crazy with myself...

Yeah, I've "known" her for 5 years via mental health groups on facebook...she has a wee girl, IS A REAL PERSON (I think...my head's gone all melty now so now I'm questioning phonecalls etc...)...

They were going to get evicted and she spin me a RIGHT GOOD TALE IF IT WAS A TALE!!!

I'm so angry with myself...I'm too much of a pushover...

I'm SUCH an idiot...but I kind of think...well, this is not the first, second, third...you get my point -I don't learn...

I have now...I have no food for me and my cat's not happy with me watering his stuff a wee bit...he's getting bitey...LOL... You've got to laugh, right??

I was ok for money when I leany it to them...but now ...AAARGH I can't handle this -you know when you get to the "I-don't-see-a-tomorrow" point...stupid head!

Help for the lost cause...oh, riiiight...

I've reached that epically horrific moment where my eyeballs are ON FIRE 👀🔥 so much from lack of sleep 😴🚫 that plucking them out doesn't seem completely unreasonable...


Social worker called to say she'd be arriving within 45 minutes this morning; which she did...didn't want her too though...and sister was ignoring texts... So sat with a plaster the whole time going minute-by-minute...

Social worker hates me 😔

SAMH worker arrived as soon as S/W had sat down...

Missed buzzer due to time to put boot on blah blah...

In a nutshell, my support from SAMH will be taken away by March, and halved until then...

What the actual fuck?!

I just wish someone would kill me so my family and friends were left without thinking me s completely selfish bastard.


I hate myself enough for EVERONE EVERYWHERE; I don't need help to be hated...

Can't post because I just feel like nothing...

Utterly raging... Haven't felt 'right' for a while and have been fighting myself but have been being successful... JUST GOT A FRIKKIN LETTER through the door for a fine for pulling into a bus lane to use my inhaler...my blood is boiling!!!!!!!
I have ridiculous agoraphobia and paranoia and hadn't been out in quite a while...this has just added fuel to the fire...

Speaking of which I want to now go set the council buildings on fire...insert whole bunch of expletives here...

I had to pull over to find my inhaler...I had to fkn do it then and there and well, bus lanes weren't important -wouldn't I pull into the only FUCKING section with a camera?!!!! ...

... I'm so angry with myself...

...this goes into the bag of stupid reasons not to go out... And reasons to drive into a polis (don't worry, I don't drive when I feel that way...I barely move when I feel that way...Pfft I barely move!!!!!)


AAARGH I'm so fucking angry!!!!!!

I thought it would be better to feel anything than that emptiness the last wee while I've had...but now I want to cut arms...been fighting whilst hollow anyway now I've got even less of an ability to fend those thoughts off!!!!! Aaaaargh!!!!!

Youtube vlog on mental health/just me in general

I've wanted to do one for AAAAGES!!

But then BANG goes my anonymity...
I don't feel I should hide for my sake, but for that of the little ones in the family...

Plus...

I kind of go off on tangents easily...

That said, i still keep coming back to this thought...have done for years now...

Perhaps it's time to stop hiding...

My albino hamster of 3 and a half years has been put to sleep..

Where are you?
My beloved albino hamster hasn't long passed away and I properly cleaned all his stuff...my head and heart are fighting though...it's only been a week...
I hate waste and wouldn't want it to just sit in a cupboard...but...