Melting down ~MAQ

Had a meltdown in my brain
I asked for help but no-one came
They say to ask when you're in need
But then the laugh  -defeat concede
There's no help coming
There's none to give
They say it's my choice to not want to live

My brain's not right; but it used to be
it used to work now it's just debris
i can't repair the damage done
the game is over and i have not won
too much to fix, too much is broken
i guess nothing can stop the destructive giant that's been woken

it's all my fault and i must be to blame
my world ends soon some might think it's a shame
but then where were they when i needed them most
ha! who am i kidding? i've no friends; i'm a ghost
a shadow, a shell of the person i once was
i couldn't fix it alone -you see there wasn't just one 'coz.

LIES ~MAQ

Lies - just tell them what they want to hear
Got to tell them, got to tell them they've nothing to fear

Lies - they need them to get them to sleep
Got to tell them, got to them, secrets? I'll keep

Lies - to help them end the visit or call
Got to tell them, got to them, cannot share it all

Lies - they come out like oxygen now
Got to tell them, got to them, sharing? i'd be a cow

oh! to be 5 again ~MAQ

so shiny, sharp and silver,
bright, glistening, gleaming...

it talks to me all  day long

the silence is filled with it

i miss proper silence -when i could just be bored and not have to fight,

i miss when my skin was smooth -and i didn't have to hide or lie or miss out on things with my nieces and nephews,

i miss the old me -the one who didn't know what 'bad things' were

i really miss the one who never had 'bad things' in her life

i wish i were 5 again

June 2013

was pretty much, well, I'll not use the swearword that's in my head to describe it and nothing else seems to come close...

urgh -having an awful wee spell here - ***TRIGGER WARNING***

I want to hurt me -in any way, punch me, pinch me, burn me, scald me, smack my head off a wall -all of these seem a better idea than talking to yet another out of hours 'trained' CPN -are they really?...my cat is more therapeutic, but then he is a baby and causes me to bleed and remind me i'm alive...maybe that's the trick for me...

As for 'crisis intervention' is it just me, or do they rip the utter pi$$?
frikkin Mental Health team often don't talk back -so many times i've been promised x,y or z.....STILL waiting -same for GP...they're all in on it -they think i don't know and they deny it when i ask...but it's true...

what's the point? i do nothing but leach off of everyone i come into contact with and even some i've never come into with!...


...all i am is a drain on society...

...a fat waste of space...

...who does nothing...

for anyone

what a selfish oxygen thief

 ...but to leave a body behind -is that more selfish than continuing to drain everyone forever?
a poor soul having to cut me down and take me away and do whatever happens next, and my family being inconvenienced, and the people who tried to help...




WHAT'S THE LEAST SELFISH THING......


I WISH SOMEONE COULD TELL ME

a long rant -just because i haven't had one on here for a bIt...

I can't tolerate sounds, mostly normal sounds like people eating, breathing, sniffing, coughing, repetitive noises, certain words etc...pretty much any noise really. its been like this for years but seems to be getting worse just lately, the slightest sound makes me furious, can't control it the anger, and end up hurting myself instead of someone else! it gives me physical pain though, especially chest pain and can't breathe properly...you know like the feeling when you hear nails on chalk board or something? makes me feel so sick...toot toot *Madville* has been reached!

clocks, hairdriers, hoovers, neighbours, drunks outside, my hamster in his ball, my hamster in his pen,when i'm wheezing (that one REALLY annoys me...esp if it lasts more than a few hours even when using meds or is painful becuase i know it means i have to take action...and then THAT means leaving the flat....and i have agoraphobia -badly...then i get lovely new annoying sounds depending on where i end up -sirens on ambulance for example -feelings like my head's going to burst with that one...

***

i have that itchy skin need to hurt me feeling today...brain has shut down, words are failing me and it's taking over....aaargh stupid brainless brain!
Distractions...been going round in circles of distractions for soooooooooooo long and now i'm so tired -in every possible way you can be tired...i wanted to do a wee bit the other day but fought and fought coz i know i'll start a war with my skin again....but this time....aaargh...
i feel numb...that's when i sh -so i can feel anything...
my brain has left my head -i'm just a shell again...a nothing...a ghost of a person...or a person living a half-life...i dunno -because my brain left...
 I WAS driving crazily but had a wee bit of sense enough to pull over and STOP but I didn't think I WAS going to kill someone, but I knew driving like that made me more likely to kind-of-thing...
***

And, just so we're clear, I feel JUST AWFUL for making anyone worry ever in my life...I...yeah...feel just terrible -I know many folk try to help each other but I don't want to be upsetting folk or having them worry unnecessarily. I'm having another 'unseen illness' spell as well whereupon I'm REALLY feeling the pain I (not literally) managed to contain to my left toe yesterday in order to be outside my flat for as long as i was....normally I can't stand up for more than half an hour but I was outside for quite a bit yesterday and now my Complex Regional Pain Syndrome CRPS has taken FULL HOLD -I feel pain EVERYWHERE basically right now and haven't managed to move from the spot I lay down in last night -not even for the loo...on these days I just hold it til I can move...hopefully that'll be soon as I (naughtily) took ONE extra painkiller...but no need to freak it's not an overdose as such...I'd just quite like to go to the toilet...oh, ok it was 2

***

The next GP that asks what my CPN says...well...i can't be held responsible for my actions as my brain will have left my head again...

READ THE F*&kn notes - I DO NOT HAVE ONE - THEY SAY i DON'T NEED ONE...

Had another meeting with a psychiatrist and there was the man from last time who said i didn't need one, sitting in on the meeting...like he's gonna turn round now and say "oh, ok, hands up, my mistake she DOES need one"..that was the last resort and they're having some big 'secret' meeting' if they say I don't need one again like they did last year...aaaargh........argh nothing -they're going to say it -FK this -what's the point....i'm on my own and i'm a ba$tard -what's the point in hanging round with me for company, fk, hardly anyone else can tolerate me for longer than an hour -or they don't at all...whatever....i'm out .... FK this....https://www.youtube.com/watch?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vFJo8rJqbg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOHlnV5fcsQ





https://www.facebook.com/groups/520571744640037/permalink/595183120512232/?comment_id=595411980489346&offset=0&total_comments=23

i feel AWFUL i'm so so sorry -words are just words....i am so so sorry....words, are just words....
 i do feel really bad -like i just came along when the rest of the world was having fun 'til i spoiled it....going to shoosh now...

when r u due in court?Can u make an appointment with ur GP today, u can get a letter to state that ur housebound, also ask to be referred to a mental health advocate, explain the stress this is causing u.
Gp is en route -I cannot move and it feels like someone has poured petrol on back and lit it! Yeah I'd get legal aid. No dates no nothing I don't understand what even happened to be honest -I've never been in trouble before that date (nor, may I add have I been asked if is wished a lawyer since!!!)What I mean to say is, it's not like I for into trouble on that date then just went out and started wreaking havoc!!Not been to court -wasn't allowed his statement or anything...
a few folk were worried as to why i went quiet again and were asking what happened...to which i said 
-nothing happened -just a bit of confusion...plus I was a bit (MASSIVELY) impulsive whilst driving ...was a bit...dunno...think I was fighting impulsive thoughts to hurt me and voiced that fact on here which made folk worry...and ...I didn't mean for folk to worry I was just getting that off my chest and I fought it but had tried to stay offline coz I was being triggered (and triggering others too I guess)    = (

***

Was going to buy a book about BPD so i can better understand things and remind myself that i am not alone and that i am not as crazy as i think i am...

***

Back hardly eased all weekend -it was either 9/10 on the pain scale or beyond 10....it honestly felt like i WAS ON FIRE at points...I usually feel bad for having to have the GP come to me, but I didnt fel bad in the slightest this time -I COULD NOT MOVE...not even to go the toilet...it felt like i was glues to the fiery bed...so i didn't feel bad for the call out this time-but on call outs before, from my old GP practice, when it's been because agoraphobia has kicked in...and i KNOW i have a chest infection or whatever but they still insist on coming out (which i understand) ..i end up in tears coz they'll talk about the wee bed-ridden man they'd just been at or whatever....ach...plus the receptionist will ask more than once "and you've A-B-S-O-L-U-T-E-L-Y  N-O  W-A-Y  O-F  G-E-T-T-I-N-G  H-E-R-E?" as though i'm either stupid,  pretending or both...

***i managed to record a song to try to distract myself as i HAD to sit up for 3 lots of 10-20 mins today = ( ...it was so difficult to get into a sitting position, and felt nigh-on impossible to stay there...so recording really helped to try to take my mind off it. Earlier, when the dr came i couldn't even hold a book to read to distract myself...'twas a LOOOOOOOONG day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

crisis team asked me to get off the phone

it seems to be only me who is into this page but i'm going to give it a shot...i've got nothing to lose....Christina -you've NO IDEA...you sent me a text when i had just opened a bottle of bleach to drink...i'm typing this, several hours later, and as you probably have guessed i didn't do it...i called the crisis team  yesterday (technically i mean Tuesday) and they were 15mins from swapping to out of hours so said "is it urgent or can you wait?"...i'm SURE you guys know how much it takes to make those calls for help....after a minute or two of silence on my end she said she'd get the duty worker to call me in the morning...i didn't sleep...
i didn't believe they'd call, but they did at half 10...by then, English totally failed me and i couldn't explain things...she said since it was all "long-standing things" they couldn't help..i've started drinking -and setting stuff on fire....and another really bad thing -stealing....utter rubbish, stuff i don't need...just totally impulsive and....i don't know.....i'm scared....and if they find out about the stealing...God help me, another period of time in a cell and i WILL hang myself..............


guys, i'm so so sorry..........


i don't know what to do -and now i'm burdening you and how would you know either -i don't mean that derogatorily ...i just....i don't know.....

i don't feel like me....




i don't know me i don't think anyway -but i DO NOT ;normally' feel like this -something's wrong and crisis aren't listening...

what would happen to any bills etc i have if i died...or debts...

**I called crisis again when i gave my name the woman straight away shut down and was almost like a robot ...she said "i understand it's long-standing things"...didn't even give me a chance to try to explain...then she said how i had a respiratory appointment and i said i knew that and that was freaking me out -the door was making feel PHYSICALLY SICK and i'd already wet myself twice and it was hours before i needed to leave...she said "well, anyway, we need to keep this line clear for people in ACTUAL crisis so if you could get off now and get in touch with *some acronym  i've never heard of" tomorrow ...then she said "will you do that?"
i said no...
she right that's great bye"

...she mentioned in the call how i had a psychiatric appointment in a fortnight and that, that wasn't long...i said it was if you can't sleep and a rope is calling you...





i don't think i'll last a fortnight...

things i wanted to do before i died

(i haven't done too badly on my list really)

*see an Aurora Borealis
*visit Auschwitz
*swim with dolphins
*have a baby at the age of 30 so that there'd be 30 years between my gran and mum, 30 between my mum and me, and 30 between me and my baby
*have twins
*Make another Sacrament
*bungee jump
*return to cantoring/choir
*go to the top of the Eiffel Tower
*go to the top of Blackpool  Tower
*travel to Australia
*take a trip somewhere overnight alone
*ride a horse
*have friends
*get a degree
*paint things for charity
*ask for help when i need it
*stop self harming
*visit New York
*go on a blind date
*donate things to charity
*forgive the people who ...
*be happy being me
*work in another country
*let someone love someone me without worrying if they have ulterior motives
*help someone else in a way they couldn't themselves
*be the cantor a funeral
*be the cantor a wedding
*compose a new Mass setting
*Return to work
*learn guitar properly
*visit Anne Frank's hide-out
*be in a band
*be a DJ
*be a KJ
*Do karaoke again
*help at a homeless shelter