crisis team asked me to get off the phone

it seems to be only me who is into this page but i'm going to give it a shot...i've got nothing to lose....Christina -you've NO IDEA...you sent me a text when i had just opened a bottle of bleach to drink...i'm typing this, several hours later, and as you probably have guessed i didn't do it...i called the crisis team  yesterday (technically i mean Tuesday) and they were 15mins from swapping to out of hours so said "is it urgent or can you wait?"...i'm SURE you guys know how much it takes to make those calls for help....after a minute or two of silence on my end she said she'd get the duty worker to call me in the morning...i didn't sleep...
i didn't believe they'd call, but they did at half 10...by then, English totally failed me and i couldn't explain things...she said since it was all "long-standing things" they couldn't help..i've started drinking -and setting stuff on fire....and another really bad thing -stealing....utter rubbish, stuff i don't need...just totally impulsive and....i don't know.....i'm scared....and if they find out about the stealing...God help me, another period of time in a cell and i WILL hang myself..............


guys, i'm so so sorry..........


i don't know what to do -and now i'm burdening you and how would you know either -i don't mean that derogatorily ...i just....i don't know.....

i don't feel like me....




i don't know me i don't think anyway -but i DO NOT ;normally' feel like this -something's wrong and crisis aren't listening...

what would happen to any bills etc i have if i died...or debts...

**I called crisis again when i gave my name the woman straight away shut down and was almost like a robot ...she said "i understand it's long-standing things"...didn't even give me a chance to try to explain...then she said how i had a respiratory appointment and i said i knew that and that was freaking me out -the door was making feel PHYSICALLY SICK and i'd already wet myself twice and it was hours before i needed to leave...she said "well, anyway, we need to keep this line clear for people in ACTUAL crisis so if you could get off now and get in touch with *some acronym  i've never heard of" tomorrow ...then she said "will you do that?"
i said no...
she right that's great bye"

...she mentioned in the call how i had a psychiatric appointment in a fortnight and that, that wasn't long...i said it was if you can't sleep and a rope is calling you...





i don't think i'll last a fortnight...