PIP

You're supposed to not need PIP in the UK because you should BE GETTING YOUR CARE NEEDS MET FOR FREE!!' It makes me so so sad that this is not he case and that the "powers that be" don't see this!!!!

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I was getting the same care company as the 95 year old on my floor (I was 25)...I was paying upwards of £25 per hour. The 95 year old was paying £0...

THIS is why they think you need no help financially in terms of applying for PIP.

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what they do not do is sit for just a SECOND AND THINK!!

--this woman was getting 3 lots of 30-45minute slots per day. That was not enough to help. She (fortunately for her) has a loving son who would come by EVERY SINGLE WEEK -I was going to write day, but I'm certain there would have been the odd day he couldn't...

She was asked by -and encouraged by- the housing association to use her buzzer and ask for any other help she might need. You see, we live in a high rise (4 skyscrapers are in a giant square round a wee bit of grass, so, it's got a 24hour manned -or womanned HA!- concierge section.

well, my lovely neighbour is like me --we are both too worried that we would cause worry someone else... 

eventually the wardens added us to the "phone call" list. Where someone would buzz us morning and night to check all was ok.

Even with this all in place... I do not walk unaided and am too proud/vain to ask for help I guess. Same for my neighbour. She then had her decision making removed from her and went to a home for the elderly.

..

the people who have never been in constant need DO NOT see the need as fully as they should -THEY SHOULD DEFINITELY NOT BE IN CHARGE OF MAKING LAWS ABOUT who gets what...

it hurts my heart do so very very much and my head... so I have to shoosh now.

sorry.

i hope I made some sort of sense  -it started off well (in my head) ...but I fall apart when I try to word it. 

Side effects

Is it all just greed? 

I've been on 2 in this list for more than 15 years... and a 3rd from the list on several occasions in the same time span..

my mental health now has me thinking I'm overthinking or overreacting about asking about them.

When/if I DO work up courage to ask about them I'm told to shoosh and stop overthinking ... that helps my head none.

Does everyone in the UK feel as though it's pretty much "no second opinion" land -don't get me wrong!! I'd be dead if it weren't for the free healthcare here... I am grateful and lucky and I KNOW THIS ALL TOO WELL --> it adds to my head chaos.

my medication was calculated once, and at that time it cost £34,000 for my medications alone... this was shown to me for some reason and I've been falling apart over that since. I'd love to be medication-free and realise the total burden I am at the moment.

Is everyone else a complete mess and worrier?

I know a doctor SHOULDN'T say daft thoughtless things that make people worse but I feel like I should take it and shut up about it since I'm being such a leach. (The not nice things that have been said I mean, not medication...though perhaps I mean both...I don't really know anymore)

For being so saddened by lives lost all over this world I really struggle to see how mine is valid... 

http://www.alternet.org/personal-health/6-drugs-whose-dangerous-risks-were-buried-so-big-pharma-could-make-money

Delete Pass

I have multiple disabilities and mental illness labels -I NEVER walk unaided and can mange 10 minutes on crutches without having to stop. I have a rollator which is getting very difficult to manage- 5-10 minutes without having to sit on it is my limit. I have a manual wheelchair BUT very complex brittle acute asthma and managing it is VERY dependent on MANY FACTORS -the weather causing my steroid use to increase (which I'm dependant upon in a 'good' day anway Ha. Never less than 45mg., if someone is smoking or wearing a perfume I'm allergic to which can mean I have to use my nebuliser, 2 months ago I got an electric wheelchair and have gone outside without family for the first time in 7 years... my anxieties are through the roof but I have REALLY worked hard in order to go outside without them and burden them less (I wake up feeling a burden and think it all day until my nightmares of being a burden arrive), I AM truly trying! I had an annual delivery pass for Asda but since that year expired I have been unable to shop since, let alone buy another year's pass... my mental state is, well, in a state. I cannot see the next day let alone week, month and as for year?? I cannot press the button on BUY. I immediately fall to pieces and return to bed -that is, if I've left it...

Group MBT

Soooo.. BPD mentalisation group has changed from learning about what it means, to putting it into practice...sort of, we had the 2nd meeting of the pre-group (they're dragging it out a bit in my opinion-JUST START THE DAMN GROUP already!!) 

Anyway, I'd never missed ANY of the info session things and that was really pushing myself -not good with outside, not good with people, panic attacks, adapted car taken away by government because they deemed me fit to walk (even when doc and co say no)...blah, blah...

I missed ONE MEETING.

The last one.

It was the day I woke up to my cat needing help and being put to sleep...

I didn't realise how it would impact upon me at the group.

I didn't REALLY realise how much I hate missing things/being late etc...

People were saying sorry about the cat having to go for his forever sleep and it was all going ok...

THEN it transpired that not one, but TWO of the rules 

* not allowed to meet outwith group 

* not allowed to be friends on social media

WILL ONLY APPLY TO ME?!!! What the fuck?!

Everyone already has each other on facebook!!!

Except me.

They know each other from homeless units (I WOULD have been with them by the way, but I wasn't allowed into those facilities because I have walking aids and some medications of mine are toxic and so *I* was considered "a hazard"...

This has been eating my head constantly since Wednesday and I am in the headspace where I just don't want to go to the fucking group now!!!

I've waited longer than all the people in it because no buildings were suitable for me to get to for psychiatry or anything because they're all stairs...

The others there said they were slightly annoyed that they'd had to wait for the group I was in to finish, so that THIS ONE could start!!!!

What the fuck!!?!

I'm so angry!

My psychiatrist retired right as the last group ended and I was left without help (and I've returned to my old vice of punching walls, banging head, pulling hair out, hurting me in whatever way I seem to be able to get through that moment doing...because, well, yeah, THAT makes sense!!! (Sarcasm? Moi?) I HATE MYSELF---I KNOW it doesn't make sense to do that!!)

There were3empty chairs. I'm hoping these were the girls (well, women!) I knew from the other group...

Anyhoo...

We were flat out asked if anything was worrying us about next group starting... one girl had been speaking to the others but not me...

I said, "I feel like Jade doesn't like me"... she stormed out, was crying in the hall and taken into another room.

**I was left with the fucking fall out!**

One of the others said I was talking about her in front of her as though she wasn't there!!! 

I don't see how I can make this work.

My new therapist will be the person taking the group.

We hadn't set eyes on each other prior to this.

I'm supposed to go meet her next week for first appointment.

It's getting ridiculous-I can't keep going over with the backstory each time someone leaves...

This is therapist 20+ ...granted only a handful probably managed to stay long enough to get any actual work done with my stupid logic... 

Each time I have to explain things from the past I relive it and that week/fortnight is GONE...

Starting over, yet again... 

I pure just can't. 

It doesn't help that everyone else has their kids, partners, lives... cut to me, living alone (and my cat that I had to have put to sleep? My family won't let me get another... they didn't like the last one. They're glad he's gone. If I end up in hospital they didn't like having to check in on him. He was a burden to them. As am I.

(I had an electric timed food thing but he worked out how to unlock it...and the cupboards...and fridge...LOL) 

When am i allowed to give the fuck up?

When does doing that become less of a burden than being the burden i'm told that i am when living?