*****STUPIDLY MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING*****

*****TRIGGER WARNING FOR THE SENSITIVE -YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!*****

Cannot stress the triggering this stupidity will do

And yet you're still reading...

Called breathing space last night/this morning -they said to call crisis team -what they hell?!!...by the way I'd already explained that nobody would put me through to them and that it was like banging my head off a brick wall -the only time they called me back was because the girl who is a cpn but off sick just now had called them to say she was worried about me and thought she'd never see me again because I was going to take my own life...she's off sick with her mental ill health...so I can't tell her my thoughts this time...

...and last time I called out of hours crisis I was asked to get off the phone "so that someone in a real crisis could get through"

...I can think of 4 males who ruined me and frick all came of the one I reported that went on from me being 6 til I was 11...

fuck the system...

...Fuck this Point in it? I do nothing but leach off of everyone around me I can't even to outside alone anymore so, nah, fuck this This is the cherry on this fruitloop's cake Court?! When CCTV must show him going round the one way system incorrectly, his statement says they both got out the car -I never even spoke to the girl -she was to busy doing her hair and make up...then the guy who is over 6 foot says he was scared of me? Nah, fuck this This world is shit
And if taking my own life means I go to hell?
...living there already mate...
I actually no longer care what state the flat's in or anything (like who gets what or who finds me or what happens to the student loan i owe -does it transfer to family, etc? or what would happen to my animals) I won't know so fuck it
Sooner rather than later eh?
...Seriously, you should see this letter -the guy was frightened by me??! Eh!! Aye right...lies upon lies -When CCTV MUST SHOW him going round the one way system incorrectly and coming over to me on my crutches when I got out of my car,
his statement says they both got out the car -I never even spoke to the girl -she was to busy doing her hair and make up...next in the statement the guy -who is well over 6 foot- says he was scared of me?! (I'm exactly 5ft and ON CRUTCHES!!!)

...this may be all over the place but I hope you can make some sense out of it if you've managed to read any of it...

was feeling sore and rubbish for ages, then felt ok for a few days and as though I could fight again..Then BANG back to earth with a bump -citation in for all the nonsense in Stobhill carpark in September (when, for anyone who doesn't know/remember a crazy guy came round the car park in a hospital car park and into the space that I was indicating to go into...he then gave me the finger, called me a spastic and laughed at me when I asked him to move his car he kept saying "you better not key my car" and after I parked elsewhere I went past his car thinking how weird it was for him to say that. His car was indeed scored. Meantime he'd called the police and said I'd keyed his car and when they arrived I was driven to a police station where I spent 8 hours in a cell with excrement on the wall, it was freezing in there and I asked for my jacket -was told really sternly "No, it has metal buttons!!" (And yet I had my 2 metal crutches in with me!!), I asked to go to the toilet twice and didn't get to go, I asked for a drink of water...yup denied...
I also had to ask for my inhaler twice and only got it the second time because by then the wheeze was audible to the person on the bloody desk!!
-anyway, I've to be in court on 26th August at 9am... I already told the crisis team more than once, and you too ...if it goes to court I will kill myself...well, it IS going to court

 

...WHY WON'T THE CRISIS TEAM BE A FUC£^NG CRISIS TEAM AND HELP ME!!!???

 

...Ack ah guess they were right...sure I had rope but I couldn't use it incase my dad was the one to find me...
or my sister -and she might bring her babies... 

 
Now? I can't call -what if they actually DID help? (My inner voice just laughed at that) it'd mean I'd be here for court.

I won't be.

 

My psychotherapist's assistant sent a letter last week to say a family member of hers had been in a near-fatal accident and that she will be off for the foreseeable...she was the only person I'd be able to get in touch with about any of this...
It's all just too coincidental!!

 

They're ALL IN ON IT -I thought she wasn't...Perhaps I was wrong...and, in that case, i shared too much...that's how they've been able to push my buttons...it all kind of makes sense now...

Besides, even if they WERE a helpful crisis team there would be no point in calling them anyway -you call them if you want help to live...but what kind of life am I living?!
Plus you call them if you want help to not end your life...I don't care anymore...
I actually don't care  

 

***

 

i caved, i called them...their advise??

-she asked if I could make myself a cup of tea and watch a soap...

 

 ***

D'you know...When I overdosed in February I had this ditzy bitch ask me if I was still feeling suicidal I said yes and was discharged less than 4hours later, having been in less than 30hours...why did they bother to ask?...
So I called crisis as soon as I got to the door past the ward... I was made to explain at least twice the situation from start to finish...
Then she said "I don't know what it is you want me to do...you tell me what you want me to do for you" ...I hung up and walked round to A&E -bearing in mind 'walking' for me is painstakingly slow, in an air-walker boot, beyond sore, using a rollator (thing that looks kinda like a zimmer)...plus I was in pyjamas with a hoodie on and it was blinking freezing...
Waited 7hours before crisis cpn team came -spoke with them for less than 5mins during which time one of the women said "there comes a point where you have to take responsibility" at least THREE TIMES...JUST HAD IT ON THE PHONE FROM CRISIS LESS THAN 20mins ago too...must be their 'go to' line...

Was sent home and by this point it was after midnight and I had no money...it took me OVER AN HOUR to walk to the bus stop at the bottom of a long-ass hill as all I had on me was my bus pass...and it was the last bus and only went part-way...I could have cried if I wasn't so frikkin afraid the tears would have frozen on my cheeks...nah, there were no tears left by then

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So, to sum up:
1. Crisis team won't help
2. Hospital just send me home
3. I have horrendous agoraphobia anyway so wouldn't be able to get to the hospital even if they would help...

***

Back to the 'I won't make it til then and if I leave leaving to the very last minute it would either be the 25th (my Dad's birthday) or if I go for past midnight it would be my dad who'd find me...either way I'm a complete and utter bitch...why I'm prolonging this hell I just don't know... I hate me so no wonder I have no real life actual friends and people are so full of rubbish -I'm sick of "yeah, I'll come see you" when they don't ... I do nothing, I AM nothing...

i have no friends -as it should be...