aargh i hate this -stupid lawyer was supposed to be today at 1 and my SAMH worker could help me out the house (agoraphobic to the max!), he's male and she'd come in with me...then he called to say the secretary got the wrong diary, he wasn't free -can it be Wed...i have no support til Wed -SAMH come Wed and Fri...crisis team-clearly useless...
plus had body therapy today at 3pm -SAMH worker helped me out of flat (and calmed me down when i went back into gimme-a-rope-mode...she's ace but is only on cover for other person who is on holiday...she's nice too -but when she leaves, my house smells of smoke for ages from her and triggers my asthma...)
....anyhoo....filled in sheet you need to at bodytherapy session (basically, a massage -but i've uncovered my arms a handful of times in the last 13 years...and been told i brought shame on the family...had that well ingrained -PLUS since fracturing ankle i went from a size 10-12....to 26 =' ( stretch marks everywhere...i hate my body)...so therapy helps as i'd be able to show someone, who'd be non-judgemental, my skin and disgrace...
this was due to be my first session -filled in form and they add up scores from answers -but i got citation in the last week so answer to "have you felt angry" was -all/most of the time...so to was the answer for "have you felt overwhelmed" etc...so she said i was too severe to be involved with them now -i broke down...
started talking about everything and how i have the means to not be here -she said she was going to call the police (i wasn't being violent...she meant so i'd be safe) but i now HATE the police-they are liars; they twist things and make me a baddie -they are a bunch of swearwords and a re in on it too...everyone wants me to get me...clearly so to are the folk from today...
in a nutshell...
- the police are COMPLETE liars;
- psychotherapist's off for foreseeable;
- social worker hates me and pretends she doesn't get messages from me;
- A&E roll their eyes and call folk who say "there comes a point where YOU have to be responsible for you" -eh?!!trying!! (that''d be why i ask for help you bunch of sadists!!);
- 'crisis' team suggest tea;
- psychiatry say i'm not 'bad enough' to get help from them;
- lifelink are saying i'm 'too bad' to get help from them;
- a GP flat-out told me what to take to go...
wanna smash my head off a wall 'cause it seems it's what they're doing to me...but still kicking about
Hi, I found your blog by doing a Google search on Red Dwarf and the Berlin song, Take My Breath Away, of which they used an altered version for a theme. I ended up reading your entire blog and I guess I just wanted to say, don't give up. I'm not entirely sure what to say, because words sometimes just aren't enough, or can't seem to perfectly express meaning, but please keep on fighting.
ReplyDeleteNo matter how bad things get, there's always something worth living for; the potential of a good day, meeting someone new, or hell, even discovering a new TV show or band you might like, 'cause sometimes even just a little boost of something positive can help get a person through the day. It may not be the most original sentiment, but most true things aren't original, they're ordinary and commonplace. Whenever I feel particularly down, I watch Community Season 1 and it pulls me back.
I don't know you, but from reading through your blog, I don't think you're a bad person or evil, just someone who's had a seriously bad run of luck and lot in life, and has been hurt over and over again. You don't need to punish and injure yourself or feel that you don't have the right to exist as a result of the failings and evils of others. Regardless of whether or not a person goes to hell, purgatory, or just nowhere as a result of suicide, the act itself is the ultimate selfishness because the pain then rests with the people you leave behind, and trust me, it's a lasting pain that never goes away. You clearly care about your family, even if they're not entirely on the same page, but they would still feel the loss dearly as would your pets.
And mental health professionals and doctors can be bellends no matter the location or patient; I tend to think they initially begin with good intentions, but over the years just get jaded and weighed down to the point where they just can't take feeling everyone's pain, so they shut themselves off emotionally, bypassing their empathy and ultimately not caring. But who knows, psych's always a popular major, and I'm sure there are plenty of people who go into the field that aren't really personally qualified for it.
I guess in summation of my now monologue, that I want to say that I hope things start getting better for you and that you choose to stay alive. At the end of the day, whether you live or die is ultimately your choice and every day you're still alive and fighting is another day that those against you lose. I don't really pray that often or as much as I should these days, but I'll be adding you to my prayers.
thank you -the kindness of strangers reaching out to me to tell me to hold on to life via this blog has been indescribable...thank you, thanks a lot!!!!
ReplyDelete= )
Rereading this on a day of physical pain...
ReplyDeleteAn anonymous person reaching out to me...
Faith in humanity restored!