Still on a downward spiral

Back to the 'I won't make it til then and if I leave leaving to the very last minute it would either be the 25th (my Dad's birthday) or if I go for past midnight it would be my dad who'd find me...either way I'm a complete and utter bitch...why I'm prolonging this hell I just don't know... I hate me so no wonder I have no real life actual friends and people are so full of rubbish -I'm sick of "yeah, I'll come see you" when they don't ... I do nothing, I AM nothing...
aargh i hate this -stupid lawyer was supposed to be today at 1 and my SAMH worker could help me out the house (agoraphobic to the max!), he's male and she'd come in with me...then he called to say the secretary got the wrong diary, he wasn't free -can it be Wed...i have no support til Wed -SAMH come Wed and Fri...crisis team-clearly useless...

plus had body therapy today at 3pm -SAMH worker helped me out of flat (and calmed me down when i went back into gimme-a-rope-mode...she's ace but is only on cover for other person who is on holiday...she's nice too -but when she leaves, my house smells of smoke for ages from her and triggers my asthma...)

....anyhoo....filled in sheet you need to at bodytherapy session (basically, a massage -but i've uncovered my arms a handful of times in the last 13 years...and been told i brought shame on the family...had that well ingrained -PLUS since fracturing ankle i went from a size 10-12....to 26 =' ( stretch marks everywhere...i hate my body)...so therapy helps as i'd be able to show someone, who'd be non-judgemental, my skin and disgrace...

this was due to be my first session -filled in form and they add up scores from answers -but i got citation in the last week so answer to "have you felt angry" was -all/most of the time...so to was the answer for "have you felt overwhelmed" etc...so she said i was too severe to be involved with them now -i broke down...

started talking about everything and how i have the means to not be here -she said she was going to call the police (i wasn't being violent...she meant so i'd be safe) but i now HATE the police-they are liars; they twist things and make me a baddie -they are a bunch of swearwords and a re in on it too...everyone wants me to get me...clearly so to are the folk from today...

in a nutshell...

• the police are COMPLETE liars;
• psychotherapist's off for foreseeable;
• social worker hates me and pretends she doesn't get messages from me;
• A&E roll their eyes and call folk who say "there comes a point where YOU have to be responsible for you" -eh?!!trying!! (that''d be why i ask for help you bunch of sadists!!);
• 'crisis' team suggest tea;
• psychiatry say i'm not 'bad enough' to get help from them;
• lifelink are saying i'm 'too bad' to get help from them;
• a GP flat-out told me what to take to go...

wanna smash my head off a wall 'cause it seems it's what they're doing to me...but still kicking about

*****STUPIDLY MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING*****

*****TRIGGER WARNING FOR THE SENSITIVE -YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!*****

Cannot stress the triggering this stupidity will do

And yet you're still reading...

Called breathing space last night/this morning -they said to call crisis team -what they hell?!!...by the way I'd already explained that nobody would put me through to them and that it was like banging my head off a brick wall -the only time they called me back was because the girl who is a cpn but off sick just now had called them to say she was worried about me and thought she'd never see me again because I was going to take my own life...she's off sick with her mental ill health...so I can't tell her my thoughts this time...

...and last time I called out of hours crisis I was asked to get off the phone "so that someone in a real crisis could get through"

...I can think of 4 males who ruined me and frick all came of the one I reported that went on from me being 6 til I was 11...

fuck the system...

...Fuck this Point in it? I do nothing but leach off of everyone around me I can't even to outside alone anymore so, nah, fuck this This is the cherry on this fruitloop's cake Court?! When CCTV must show him going round the one way system incorrectly, his statement says they both got out the car -I never even spoke to the girl -she was to busy doing her hair and make up...then the guy who is over 6 foot says he was scared of me? Nah, fuck this This world is shit
And if taking my own life means I go to hell?
...living there already mate...
I actually no longer care what state the flat's in or anything (like who gets what or who finds me or what happens to the student loan i owe -does it transfer to family, etc? or what would happen to my animals) I won't know so fuck it
Sooner rather than later eh?
...Seriously, you should see this letter -the guy was frightened by me??! Eh!! Aye right...lies upon lies -When CCTV MUST SHOW him going round the one way system incorrectly and coming over to me on my crutches when I got out of my car,
his statement says they both got out the car -I never even spoke to the girl -she was to busy doing her hair and make up...next in the statement the guy -who is well over 6 foot- says he was scared of me?! (I'm exactly 5ft and ON CRUTCHES!!!)

...this may be all over the place but I hope you can make some sense out of it if you've managed to read any of it...

was feeling sore and rubbish for ages, then felt ok for a few days and as though I could fight again..Then BANG back to earth with a bump -citation in for all the nonsense in Stobhill carpark in September (when, for anyone who doesn't know/remember a crazy guy came round the car park in a hospital car park and into the space that I was indicating to go into...he then gave me the finger, called me a spastic and laughed at me when I asked him to move his car he kept saying "you better not key my car" and after I parked elsewhere I went past his car thinking how weird it was for him to say that. His car was indeed scored. Meantime he'd called the police and said I'd keyed his car and when they arrived I was driven to a police station where I spent 8 hours in a cell with excrement on the wall, it was freezing in there and I asked for my jacket -was told really sternly "No, it has metal buttons!!" (And yet I had my 2 metal crutches in with me!!), I asked to go to the toilet twice and didn't get to go, I asked for a drink of water...yup denied...
I also had to ask for my inhaler twice and only got it the second time because by then the wheeze was audible to the person on the bloody desk!!
-anyway, I've to be in court on 26th August at 9am... I already told the crisis team more than once, and you too ...if it goes to court I will kill myself...well, it IS going to court

 

...WHY WON'T THE CRISIS TEAM BE A FUC£^NG CRISIS TEAM AND HELP ME!!!???

 

...Ack ah guess they were right...sure I had rope but I couldn't use it incase my dad was the one to find me...
or my sister -and she might bring her babies... 

 
Now? I can't call -what if they actually DID help? (My inner voice just laughed at that) it'd mean I'd be here for court.

I won't be.

 

My psychotherapist's assistant sent a letter last week to say a family member of hers had been in a near-fatal accident and that she will be off for the foreseeable...she was the only person I'd be able to get in touch with about any of this...
It's all just too coincidental!!

 

They're ALL IN ON IT -I thought she wasn't...Perhaps I was wrong...and, in that case, i shared too much...that's how they've been able to push my buttons...it all kind of makes sense now...

Besides, even if they WERE a helpful crisis team there would be no point in calling them anyway -you call them if you want help to live...but what kind of life am I living?!
Plus you call them if you want help to not end your life...I don't care anymore...
I actually don't care  

 

***

 

i caved, i called them...their advise??

-she asked if I could make myself a cup of tea and watch a soap...

 

 ***

D'you know...When I overdosed in February I had this ditzy bitch ask me if I was still feeling suicidal I said yes and was discharged less than 4hours later, having been in less than 30hours...why did they bother to ask?...
So I called crisis as soon as I got to the door past the ward... I was made to explain at least twice the situation from start to finish...
Then she said "I don't know what it is you want me to do...you tell me what you want me to do for you" ...I hung up and walked round to A&E -bearing in mind 'walking' for me is painstakingly slow, in an air-walker boot, beyond sore, using a rollator (thing that looks kinda like a zimmer)...plus I was in pyjamas with a hoodie on and it was blinking freezing...
Waited 7hours before crisis cpn team came -spoke with them for less than 5mins during which time one of the women said "there comes a point where you have to take responsibility" at least THREE TIMES...JUST HAD IT ON THE PHONE FROM CRISIS LESS THAN 20mins ago too...must be their 'go to' line...

Was sent home and by this point it was after midnight and I had no money...it took me OVER AN HOUR to walk to the bus stop at the bottom of a long-ass hill as all I had on me was my bus pass...and it was the last bus and only went part-way...I could have cried if I wasn't so frikkin afraid the tears would have frozen on my cheeks...nah, there were no tears left by then

***

So, to sum up:
1. Crisis team won't help
2. Hospital just send me home
3. I have horrendous agoraphobia anyway so wouldn't be able to get to the hospital even if they would help...

***

Back to the 'I won't make it til then and if I leave leaving to the very last minute it would either be the 25th (my Dad's birthday) or if I go for past midnight it would be my dad who'd find me...either way I'm a complete and utter bitch...why I'm prolonging this hell I just don't know... I hate me so no wonder I have no real life actual friends and people are so full of rubbish -I'm sick of "yeah, I'll come see you" when they don't ... I do nothing, I AM nothing...

i have no friends -as it should be...   

Melting down ~MAQ

Had a meltdown in my brain
I asked for help but no-one came
They say to ask when you're in need
But then the laugh  -defeat concede
There's no help coming
There's none to give
They say it's my choice to not want to live

My brain's not right; but it used to be
it used to work now it's just debris
i can't repair the damage done
the game is over and i have not won
too much to fix, too much is broken
i guess nothing can stop the destructive giant that's been woken

it's all my fault and i must be to blame
my world ends soon some might think it's a shame
but then where were they when i needed them most
ha! who am i kidding? i've no friends; i'm a ghost
a shadow, a shell of the person i once was
i couldn't fix it alone -you see there wasn't just one 'coz.

LIES ~MAQ

Lies - just tell them what they want to hear
Got to tell them, got to tell them they've nothing to fear

Lies - they need them to get them to sleep
Got to tell them, got to them, secrets? I'll keep

Lies - to help them end the visit or call
Got to tell them, got to them, cannot share it all

Lies - they come out like oxygen now
Got to tell them, got to them, sharing? i'd be a cow

oh! to be 5 again ~MAQ

so shiny, sharp and silver,
bright, glistening, gleaming...

it talks to me all  day long

the silence is filled with it

i miss proper silence -when i could just be bored and not have to fight,

i miss when my skin was smooth -and i didn't have to hide or lie or miss out on things with my nieces and nephews,

i miss the old me -the one who didn't know what 'bad things' were

i really miss the one who never had 'bad things' in her life

i wish i were 5 again

June 2013

was pretty much, well, I'll not use the swearword that's in my head to describe it and nothing else seems to come close...

urgh -having an awful wee spell here - ***TRIGGER WARNING***

I want to hurt me -in any way, punch me, pinch me, burn me, scald me, smack my head off a wall -all of these seem a better idea than talking to yet another out of hours 'trained' CPN -are they really?...my cat is more therapeutic, but then he is a baby and causes me to bleed and remind me i'm alive...maybe that's the trick for me...

As for 'crisis intervention' is it just me, or do they rip the utter pi$$?
frikkin Mental Health team often don't talk back -so many times i've been promised x,y or z.....STILL waiting -same for GP...they're all in on it -they think i don't know and they deny it when i ask...but it's true...

what's the point? i do nothing but leach off of everyone i come into contact with and even some i've never come into with!...


...all i am is a drain on society...

...a fat waste of space...

...who does nothing...

for anyone

what a selfish oxygen thief

 ...but to leave a body behind -is that more selfish than continuing to drain everyone forever?
a poor soul having to cut me down and take me away and do whatever happens next, and my family being inconvenienced, and the people who tried to help...




WHAT'S THE LEAST SELFISH THING......


I WISH SOMEONE COULD TELL ME