just when you think you can't fall any further

Even if it gets worse, it will always get better.
You will get past whatever you are feeling right now, and then you will feel something else. 

 -to that i say pish, complete and utter bs...things don't always get better, people don't always feel better the next day or week or month...some never feel good again...some people feel nothing...

i used to think it was better to feel pain than nothing at all. i know now that too was a lie -it'd be better to cease to be. 

had one of the members of the crisis team say they are really intimidating and scary places...does she think this is news to me?...the whole bloody world is that anyway, hence my lack of going outside...arsepiece...It's a bloody joke my arms and legs are cut and burnt to frick and they think distracting myself with house work or watching youtube is the best way forward??!!!Seriously??!! Honestly mental health system is abysmal and leaves a lot to be desired...

I see a DBT psychotherapist and am waiting for a CBT one on top of that because I struggle to go outside now and they reckon this may help -how the fuck I'm 'sposed to get to those appointments, or the current ones though is a mystery to me...and this waiting game is letting things get worse...
it'd be a different story if i'd been waiting a day or a week or maybe a couple of  months...but it's been over a year now...

And folk think i'm mad for thinking 'they' are all out to get me to get me?!!

I've been on a whole whack of meds for years and i reckon that i need the anti-depressant swapped  swapped since i'm more suicidal today than ever in my life...still pretty much going from crisis to crisis so i'm told repeatedly by doctors that i know nothing (OK, so they don't quite say that...it just feels like it) and my assumption of them not being the best for me is mis-shapen because other ones will interact with my other meds...

i'd like a tablet to just kill me...

how simple -how much easier for them?!!! FOR EVERYONE?!!!

and for the poor bastards who'll have to clean up the mess i leave...


...but, alas, that cannot be given to me because of the "Hippocratic oath" -hypocritical oath more like it!!! -If you want to help THEN FUCKING HELP!!!

i've asked repeatedly...i've put up with being talked to like i'm a fucking imbicile...

and yet?...
not feeling the help or support...everything's supposedly "in the pipeline"... 

where the fuck is the other end of this pipe?...are there people coming to help me and fucking walking from Tazmania?!!

I'm beginning to realise that it is NeverNeverLand...no help is coming is it?
Does it even exist? What the fuck is real? I don't even know which way is up by this point...

'They' have all their guidelines and books with diagnoses
It was decided that i have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) which, i didn't want to know about at first, was just happy there was a name for what was 'wrong' with me..then i wanted to know more and realised i DO fit the categories within Borderline Bingo (there are 9 criterion you have to fill 5 or more...i fit into 9)...

SO...WHAT DO I GET FOR A FULL-HOUSE?!!


***

However, there's more to it than that and they find a label (or 2 or 20...) slap it/them on and..fuck off and leave you to it...

"you have to want to get better you are responsible for you"
*next person who says that to me...ooh you're getting hunted down...or haunted...whatever


Yes, i am responsible for me -and i am responsible for knowing when to ask for help -and i bloody well have been ....how many times i have called crisis mental health teams now?!!
WHY CAN'T YOU HELP ME?!!  HELP ME!!

i should be calling them now really but last time I called for help I was told by a nurse that I wouldn't do anything to hurt myself since all I ever do is threaten to hurt myself...

Um, yeah, ok...


i haven't gone outside properly since last April -nearly a year -WOW!...and haven't gone outside at all without my sister or a carer coming to physically remove me from my flat since September (not picking me up...just need someone with me as i leave the flat...)


The last ATOS medical i had i was found fit for work -i was still in a stookie and using my crutches and wheelchair -couldn't bathe alone etc...you get the picture...

if i could work i'd be working!!!

the whole frikkin system's run by drunkards!!

anyway...

i took it to a tribunal and won

have received a DLA form...but haven't filled it in yet

tried to...but ended up burning myself instead -it seemed more productive...i might be right

*to be frank i've never been helped by any system...they're all morons...the only thing that's been helpful to me in the last year has been this blog -not that anyone reads it or gives a monkeys
-but i don't care it helps i can vent and rant and swear
...say things i'd never say in real life, in the flesh, like...


...but then again, it has it's drawbacks...it's there, in print...and i can (and d!) go back over it and over it and remove things that are "just too bad" for folk to read...

...had one of the members of the crisis team say they are really intimidating and scary places...does she think this is news to me?...the whole bloody world is that anyway, hence my lack of going outside...arsepiece...It's a bloody joke my arms and legs are cut and burnt to frick and they think distracting myself with sleep or watching youtube is the best way forward??!!!Seriously??!! Honestly mental health system is bollocks...

I don't understand why nobody is willing to help me help me...i know they can't wave a magic wand and i'll be fine i know i have to want to get better...i do want to...

sorry

i'll possibly shut up now...i really should switch this off and call nhs24 coz i'm having yet another meltdown -all i want to do is take all of the tablets in my medication drawers...that's new...i always swore i'd never do that because too many folk end up worse off for it...

nhs24 -you can call to just chat to but they can take a good few hours to get back to you coz if somebody else phones from, like, a ledge...

yeah, well

ok

so...they work with a triage system, would have been a better phrase there

Hahaahaaaaa...

...but when i just need to chat i call breathing space

or text samaritans

when i'm in utter meltdown and need ACTUAL help i call OOH

but they all suck tbh

my GP practice is filled with sadistic bams too...

called in November to say i hadn't left the house in 7 weeks and he said "ok, can you come over"

no fucktard that's why i asked for a telephone consultation

swear to god!!

Psychotherapist thought i should have a cpn so i was sent for an assessment...
some bald dude -don't even remember his name -they KNOW I HATE MALES...WHY WOULD YOU SEND ME TO ONE?!!!!SEE...THEY ARE TRYING TO MAKE ME GET ME!!
...ANYWAY...All i remember from our not-very-long "chat" is that he is Catholic and had gone to school with the priest who was pushing my buttons that week...this was now 2 years ago -I stoped going to daily Mass since and morning prayer, in fact, i've stopped praying all together..and on the day i saw him it was a REALLY REALLY good day...seriously...borderline manic that day...

...also, since then i've been re-housed and had crisis team and police out a few times to remove ropes from me -more times than i'd care to remember...



So i got the GP to try to explain and end up getting told things like "sorry, there's nothing we can do...we've referred you to all the places we can"...


*The biggest problem for me is that i have physical and mental difficulties... i've been unable to walk unaided for over 3 years and mental-health 'issues' from the age of 14 according to them...

 every agency/department...well, they all want to pass the bloody buck and in the end i just keep falling further down the bloody great big crack...the holes in the net...

rock bottom isn't far...that's why i keep asking for help...

Dr SW -she's supposed to be the high-hied-yin for BPD ...she trains the British social workers...eh -then why's my social worker a total tool?! She hates me -i know she does...i add to her case-load that's already massive, i can't be helped, she's curt on the phone to the point of being hurtful -i couldn't do her job..i know i couldn't...i have much respect for her and the fact that she does do that job...but WHY DOES SHE HATE ME SO MUCH?!!

Psychotherapist dresses like Phoebe from Friends..in fact, she's VERY MUCH like Phoebe. I like her...but she keeps saying "we only have a few sessions" -that keeps freaking me out and i wish she'd stop saying it!!!
**i swear to GOD! She has BPD herself and that's the only reason she knows stuff about it!Hahaha!

I'M GOING NAKED TO MY NEXT APPT

fuck them all. Give you something to talk about...maybe i'll stop being Mr Cellophane?

Maybe they'd help?

just pure raging...i am completely and utterly filled with rage...


...why are they not helping?
why won't they help?
what do they know that i don't?
am i beyond help?...is that what they know?

or are just assmunches?



Someone asked me if i enjoying living by myself...
i couldn't answer...
i couldn't say yes...or no...

i don't know

don't like much of anything so answering no wouldn't be fair to the question i guess

GOOD GOD...i'm now worrying about offending QUESTIONS

jeez i need a wee padded room...

anger seems much easier to endure and express than grief...
The hatred i feel for what i've become is only equalled by the hatred i feel for the systems they perceive, often with startling clarity, as having contributed to this becoming...

fuck you all...all of you who had a hand in me being who i am today...

• psychology passing me to psychiatry and back and back and back all through my teens...then wondering why i wouldn't talk anymore..

• the high school i attended not wanting to go near anything with a 10 foot bargepole...
• counsellor at Uni telling me i was too much for her to take on
• Priests ignoring me
• Religious sisters laughing at me -actually fat-out laughed at me and said that i "don't know what problems are"
• Friends -ha! When you overhear 'friends' talking about you at the age of 15 and some calling you a liar...well, you catch on to the fact that there's no such thing as a friend
• Employers asking me to remove the long-sleeved top under my uniform as it's not "recognised regulation uniform" then having looks of disgust at what was then, tiny scars! ....and losing your job shortly thereafter...AND HAVING THIS HAPPEN MORE THAN ONE...MORE THAN TWICE!!!
•  Teachers at high school calling you an attention seeker -so you just stop asking for help...
• Police asking if you know what slander is -at the age of 14...YES, I KNEW!!ASSPIECE!
• 'Professionals' telling me "you can't blame him for what he did to you...you don't know how he was brought up...that could have been 'normal' to him"...excuse me, but what the fuck kind of advice was that?!! was that helpful?!! No...because i ran out of the room and kept running til i could hear my heart in my ears and my eyes were fuzzy...and i found a piece of glass on the ground and slumped down and cut and cut and cut...because who did it mean i was to blame?.... 

  

 yes, that's right....

me.
 


Untreatable and Un-helpable