in the last 24 hours

i have tried to contact:

(AND LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR...picking the phone up and calling someone isn't easy for me at the best of times...let alone when i'm struggling and least of all when i cannot say just how bad i feel...)
2 different helplines which are no longer operational
3 different helplines, but it was out-with the opening times and i didn't realise this til the robot told me
social worker -the message which was left was that "i don't feel good and she is the person i'm supposed to get in touch with when this is the case"
*sure, i could've been blunt and told the receptionist i was feeling suicidal and she's the person i'm supposed to call...but 1.the woman on the end of the phone is an office worker -she doesn't need my crap in her head, heck the people who are paid to have my crap in their head are trained so it DOESN'T STAY in their head -she's not...and 2.the social worker would've been angry with me if she'd received that message
psychotherapist -whose receptionist said she was out today but would try to get in contact...i lay all day on the couch with my phone in my hand...

the psychotherapist's receptionist got back to me with an appointment for a week next Tuesday.


i'm now sitting staring at a hefty whack of tablets and deciding when is the 'right' time to call for help...
so it's not before a crisis, or when i know it's right in front of my face..i get that...

how long after i've taken these pills?

i don't want 'saved', nor do i want to be viewed as an attention-seeker...
the only thing that matters to me now is that it's not my sister who finds me...

so, back to the question of when do i call...and who...
 
wish i knew more about ow all these tablets work together so i'd know a time-scale...

I DO NOT WANT TO BE ME ANYMORE.