Spent a week of last month in Stobhill...first time in there, usually stay in Glasgow Royal but I was at my friend's flat when I took ill...oh, asthma can make your life pretty interesting...anyhoo...looks ike I'll be going back on injections but it costs £23, 000 a year so we need to wait to hear if I'm allowed to go back on it...it was a bit of a wonder-drug when I was on it so I'm hoping the answer is yes...
I have been extremely thankful and joy-filled and peace-filled and happy in general for what feels like forever...And a lot of that is down to my involvement with the St Andrew's Cathedral Choir -it feels like a wee family...as it should! = )
I feel like I've been there forever! = )
Anyway I'm singing tomorrow at two Masses with the choir so it's goodnight from me! = )
Saturday, 5 March 2011
Thursday, 10 February 2011
another haunt
"Posted 09 August 2005 - 09:37 PM
What do you do when you've given up all hope?
Who do you turn to when you have no one to turn to?
What do you do when the 'professionals' don't listen?
Where do you go when the Doctors don't believe you aren't happy?
When do you know it's time to leave?
I think it's mine...I'm sorry to post this but I don't know what else to do....I have no one and nothing...No one is listening I feel tremendously alone.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?WHERE SHOULD I GO?CAN I SECTION MYSELF?I DON'T FEEL SAFE WITH ME!!!!!
I feel ridiculous for posting this but I haven't a clue what else to do...I have tried EVERYTHING...I know there is only one way out....I can't stop crying....I hate me for thinking this.....other people are really sick and dying all around me...I wish I could swap places with them and let them have the lives they deserve.
I'm sorry I've been such an embarrassment to the human race..I wish I could have been murdered...I wish I hadn't cut my arms and brought shame to those who meet me ('cause they felt awkward and don't know what to say)
I wish I could have been a great many things and made my parents proud.But I haven't.I'm not.I'm me and I'm not good enough... "
Who do you turn to when you have no one to turn to?
What do you do when the 'professionals' don't listen?
Where do you go when the Doctors don't believe you aren't happy?
When do you know it's time to leave?
I think it's mine...I'm sorry to post this but I don't know what else to do....I have no one and nothing...No one is listening I feel tremendously alone.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?WHERE SHOULD I GO?CAN I SECTION MYSELF?I DON'T FEEL SAFE WITH ME!!!!!
I feel ridiculous for posting this but I haven't a clue what else to do...I have tried EVERYTHING...I know there is only one way out....I can't stop crying....I hate me for thinking this.....other people are really sick and dying all around me...I wish I could swap places with them and let them have the lives they deserve.
I'm sorry I've been such an embarrassment to the human race..I wish I could have been murdered...I wish I hadn't cut my arms and brought shame to those who meet me ('cause they felt awkward and don't know what to say)
I wish I could have been a great many things and made my parents proud.But I haven't.I'm not.I'm me and I'm not good enough... "
...wish I'd realised the power of Jesus before the craziness that ensued later that evening...hindsight -isn't it wonderful..the answer to all of my questions there asking who could help seems soooo obvious now...but at the time...phew even when I didn't turn to Him with all of my problems -He still got me through it...He truly is awesome!!! = )
Blast from the past
was helping a buddy and inadvertently triggered myself...
sent her to a site that VERY much helped me when I was struggling and on my darkest days (I didn't know to pray..or indeed, how to) ...I'd say it very much had a hand in my survival...
I found old poems I wrote -particularly about self harm and this one...well...wow...my heart felt like it was going to burst from over-use...
sent her to a site that VERY much helped me when I was struggling and on my darkest days (I didn't know to pray..or indeed, how to) ...I'd say it very much had a hand in my survival...
I found old poems I wrote -particularly about self harm and this one...well...wow...my heart felt like it was going to burst from over-use...
Posted 27 July 2005 - 09:29 PM
I want to hurt me
to know that I feel
to what I'm thinking
to know I can feel
I want to hurt me
so badly you see
to find all the things
that are bothering me
I want to hurt me
'cause I do not know
what's making go through
this unending hell
I want to hurt me
to let it all out
stop bottling it up
and instead scream and shout
I don't know why
I feel this way
But the fact is I do
and it's here to stay
to know that I feel
to what I'm thinking
to know I can feel
I want to hurt me
so badly you see
to find all the things
that are bothering me
I want to hurt me
'cause I do not know
what's making go through
this unending hell
I want to hurt me
to let it all out
stop bottling it up
and instead scream and shout
I don't know why
I feel this way
But the fact is I do
and it's here to stay
...but do you know what?!!Nah....it didn't stay -it felt like it would, I thought it would, I believed it would...but...it did not!!!
Thank you should be bigger...it doesn't seem enough -but to all my friends that got me through it -thank you; to all the people who made it more difficult -thank you; to the people I hurt because I was hurting me and who stood by me, even for the shortest of time -thank you...(I feel like Hallie Berry!)...but my biggest thank you is to God...I owe you everything -you sent me people when I couldn't accept you...you gave them the right words...you made me, you thought of my before you created the world you knew me when I wasn't visible to the most powerful of our microscopes on Earth, you still think of me now and always have and that is why I still exist...
There should be a bigger word for it, but thank you is all I have! = )
...and as a thanks I will try my best to live by Your example in Jesus and the Saints. = )
***
I have updated that poem because a bit didn't rhyme and it was bugging the life out of me...
***
I have updated that poem because a bit didn't rhyme and it was bugging the life out of me...
Saturday, 18 December 2010
be careful...
Okay, so at 4am I was woken by my breathing ability -or lack thereof...oh asthma how you annoy me...I've been told by a few people that I've been given the gift of "redemptive suffering" -I don't quite understand that but I'm not really trying to...I can, however, see the graces I'm being given in most situations when only a few short years ago I would have fallen to pieces and seen only negatives.
If that is how suffering is a gift -then I get it...but other than that I cannot quite get my head round it -it's a bit like delving into how the trinity works or how God "who is and who are"-I can accept it and possibly explain it to a child -but ask more from me and my brain starts to feel like it's melting...
I've been warned in the past to "be careful what you wish for!" but now it seems more fitting a warning to say "be careful what you pray for" ...I asked Jesus and Mary to make me closer to them in whichever way they saw fit and, trusting that they know me better than I know myself, to do with me what they willed...
Now then, I have grown more spiritually and emotionally in the past year than I could have ever anticipated or even dreamed -but I didn't quite expect a broken ankle which would refuse to heal!
So, yes, God answers prayers and works in mysterious ways...but if you're not in it 100% (and even if you are!)...be careful how you pray...and maybe be careful how you sledge too! = )
Oh and nowadays if I'm ever in doubt I will offer up my prayers for those whom Mother Mary deems most in need of them -just think, if everyone did that...another rather mind-boggling thought there, which -since it's now after 5am- I think I may look into at a more reasonable hour of the day.
DAY ONE OF THE CHRISTMAS NOVENA -and there was a space in the one I found on the EWTN website to state your intention...perfect opportunity for me to forget my own rules and say "whatever graces I need to do better do Your will"...Will I ever learn?Hahaha!
Oh how exciting is it though -within those boundaries (pfft!) and knowing that God works in mysterious ways anyway within ACTUAL boundaries...since I have pretty much just given Him free reign...ANYTHING could happen -now isn't that just terribly exciting <terrifying too; but exciting nontheless!>
watch this space...
If that is how suffering is a gift -then I get it...but other than that I cannot quite get my head round it -it's a bit like delving into how the trinity works or how God "who is and who are"-I can accept it and possibly explain it to a child -but ask more from me and my brain starts to feel like it's melting...
I've been warned in the past to "be careful what you wish for!" but now it seems more fitting a warning to say "be careful what you pray for" ...I asked Jesus and Mary to make me closer to them in whichever way they saw fit and, trusting that they know me better than I know myself, to do with me what they willed...
Now then, I have grown more spiritually and emotionally in the past year than I could have ever anticipated or even dreamed -but I didn't quite expect a broken ankle which would refuse to heal!
So, yes, God answers prayers and works in mysterious ways...but if you're not in it 100% (and even if you are!)...be careful how you pray...and maybe be careful how you sledge too! = )
Oh and nowadays if I'm ever in doubt I will offer up my prayers for those whom Mother Mary deems most in need of them -just think, if everyone did that...another rather mind-boggling thought there, which -since it's now after 5am- I think I may look into at a more reasonable hour of the day.
DAY ONE OF THE CHRISTMAS NOVENA -and there was a space in the one I found on the EWTN website to state your intention...perfect opportunity for me to forget my own rules and say "whatever graces I need to do better do Your will"...Will I ever learn?Hahaha!
Oh how exciting is it though -within those boundaries (pfft!) and knowing that God works in mysterious ways anyway within ACTUAL boundaries...since I have pretty much just given Him free reign...ANYTHING could happen -now isn't that just terribly exciting <terrifying too; but exciting nontheless!>
watch this space...
Friday, 17 December 2010
The Last Words of Jesus (according to John)
my head is bursting and my heart's not far from it too...had a difficult month thus far...
i can see how easy it would be to fall back on my own coping mechanisms that were ridiculous and self-destructive...
now i know i'm in a bad place -you see, i love punctuation and am a fan of correct spelling and have a pet hate of improper usage of homophones, and i love pallindromes...you get my drift...so when i refuse to use a capital for the letter i when speaking about myself...well, something's not right...
...enter the blog...
in an attempt to keep from slipping into the darkness i am writing this -sure, it's not as productive as something else you might suggest, but it's a far cry from the what i used to resort to.
You see...only a few short years ago i would have easily hurt myself by now.
and then i heard three words that took my breath away and brought me to my senses...
"IT IS FINISHED"
Now, you might have heard these year in, year out at Easter...but I HAD NEVER HEARD THEM...Don't get me wrong -I'm a cradle Catholic and have missed Mass on a Sunday ony once in my life and that was because a machine was helping me breathe -and even at that I cried (but never really knew why I felt the NEED to go so badly...I never knew that Jesus Christ Himself gave the authority obliging Catholics to attend weekly Mass. <In Matthew 16: 19 Jesus gave to Peter, the first pope (and through papal succession, to all other popes), the power to make binding in Heaven whatsoever he the pope would make binding on Earth. Jesus Himself said that those who do not listen to the Church should be avoided (Matt 18: 17). So, from Christ's own command, the Church has to be obeyed.>...actually, come to think of it, I barely knew anything about Jesus;sure, I could re-tell you stories from the Bible that I'd heard at Children's Liturgy or from the Gospels at Mass -and I could probably recount most psalms from the age of 16...but they were just stories and didn't mean much..
..and at Easter?...I'd only ever heard the phrase "IT IS ACCOMPLISHED!"
...well -hearing those 3 simple words -Jesus's last, according to John- in a very slightly different way profoundly affected my thoughts, my actions and -ultimately- my life.
Jesus said IT IS FINISHED...
aand for me, it was -I never lifted a blade to my skin again -and I am writing this to remind myself of all of these things and that it is finished -it is in the past and I cannot change it and the scars are not reminders of weakness but rather now the opposite because...IT IS FINISHED!
= )
i can see how easy it would be to fall back on my own coping mechanisms that were ridiculous and self-destructive...
now i know i'm in a bad place -you see, i love punctuation and am a fan of correct spelling and have a pet hate of improper usage of homophones, and i love pallindromes...you get my drift...so when i refuse to use a capital for the letter i when speaking about myself...well, something's not right...
...enter the blog...
in an attempt to keep from slipping into the darkness i am writing this -sure, it's not as productive as something else you might suggest, but it's a far cry from the what i used to resort to.
You see...only a few short years ago i would have easily hurt myself by now.
and then i heard three words that took my breath away and brought me to my senses...
"IT IS FINISHED"
Now, you might have heard these year in, year out at Easter...but I HAD NEVER HEARD THEM...Don't get me wrong -I'm a cradle Catholic and have missed Mass on a Sunday ony once in my life and that was because a machine was helping me breathe -and even at that I cried (but never really knew why I felt the NEED to go so badly...I never knew that Jesus Christ Himself gave the authority obliging Catholics to attend weekly Mass. <In Matthew 16: 19 Jesus gave to Peter, the first pope (and through papal succession, to all other popes), the power to make binding in Heaven whatsoever he the pope would make binding on Earth. Jesus Himself said that those who do not listen to the Church should be avoided (Matt 18: 17). So, from Christ's own command, the Church has to be obeyed.>...actually, come to think of it, I barely knew anything about Jesus;sure, I could re-tell you stories from the Bible that I'd heard at Children's Liturgy or from the Gospels at Mass -and I could probably recount most psalms from the age of 16...but they were just stories and didn't mean much..
..and at Easter?...I'd only ever heard the phrase "IT IS ACCOMPLISHED!"
...well -hearing those 3 simple words -Jesus's last, according to John- in a very slightly different way profoundly affected my thoughts, my actions and -ultimately- my life.
Jesus said IT IS FINISHED...
aand for me, it was -I never lifted a blade to my skin again -and I am writing this to remind myself of all of these things and that it is finished -it is in the past and I cannot change it and the scars are not reminders of weakness but rather now the opposite because...IT IS FINISHED!
= )
Blog
I just discovered that I am 9539 days old and have decided that it's high time this 21st century chick got a blog...
= )
Alternatively I could scare myself further by stating that I am:
= )
= )
Alternatively I could scare myself further by stating that I am:
- 824,169,600 seconds or
- 13,736,160 minutes or
- 228,936 hours or
- 1362 weeks
= )
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