Blast from the past

was helping a buddy and inadvertently triggered myself...

sent her to a site that VERY much helped me when I was struggling and on my darkest days (I didn't know to pray..or indeed, how to) ...I'd say it very much had a hand in my survival...

I found old poems I wrote -particularly about self harm and this one...well...wow...my heart felt like it was going to burst from over-use...

Posted 27 July 2005 - 09:29 PM

I want to hurt me
to know that I feel
to what I'm thinking
to know I can feel

I want to hurt me
so badly you see
to find all the things
that are bothering me

I want to hurt me
'cause I do not know
what's making go through
this unending hell

I want to hurt me
to let it all out
stop bottling it up
and instead scream and shout

I don't know why
I feel this way
But the fact is I do
and it's here to stay

...but do you know what?!!Nah....it didn't stay -it felt like it would, I thought it would, I believed it would...but...it did not!!!

Thank you should be bigger...it doesn't seem enough -but to all my friends that got me through it -thank you; to all the people who made it more difficult -thank you; to the people I hurt because I was hurting me and who stood by me, even for the shortest of time -thank you...(I feel like Hallie Berry!)...but my biggest thank you is to God...I owe you everything -you sent me people when I couldn't accept you...you gave them the right words...you made me, you thought of my before you created the world you knew me when I wasn't visible to the most powerful of our microscopes on Earth, you still think of me now and always have and that is why I still exist...

There should be a bigger word for it, but thank you is all I have! = )

...and as a thanks I will try my best to live by Your example in Jesus and the Saints. = )


***

I have updated that poem because a bit didn't rhyme and it was bugging the life out of me...

I want to hurt me
to know that I feel
to what I'm thinking
to know I CAN feel

I want to hurt me
so badly you see
to find all the things
that are bothering me

I want to hurt me
'cause I cannot tell
what's making go through
this unending hell

I want to hurt me
to let it all out
stop bottling it up
and instead scream and shout

I don't know why
I feel this way
But the fact is I do
and it's here to stay