Suppression Explosion

The brain is AMAZING! (It is also a complete *insert whichever word you feel encapsulates rage/confusion/terror at discovering this and trying to wrap your head round coping with the fallout).

Last year I discovered I had buried abuse so deep that I had erased entire people, time and incidents from my life… just to get by. It was a self-preservation-type thing my brain cleverly did. It did it so as to allow me to function and it did it well!!

Uncovering one was like a dam bursting…

No, my brain had not buried an abuser; it buried more than 15 -I cannot count the exact number and I don’t quiteknow why. I have been physically sick over some and unable to function well since discovering all of this.

I don’t feel quite real. I haven’t since I realised it all.

I always knew I’d been hurt. It wasn’t public knowledge or something I’d say when introducing myself, but I’d started -in the last few years, and since the ONE I refer to occurred roughly between my being 6&11…and I’m now 33? It took many many years for me to stop completely circumventing the facts.

Now? I don’t know… I can barely see from day to day anymore.

Perhaps one day I’ll be able to update this and have positive progress and recovery from the broken shell of a person that I seem to be at the moment…

2018... my plans had not seen me reach here.

Had i managed to not see 2018 I would be a few flashbacks less.

i had planned to leave on my birthday of last year, just near the end of the year but not tremendously selfish; the least selfish way i could work it out for anyone who might be mad or sad or... ha! Who am i that i think i could cause others to feel?
i am so empty.
i am so tired.
i am supposed to run the race to the finish? i am running nowhere and that nowhere is circles and spirals within my own head.
my knees are knackered from crawling. Trying to (or being forced to, as i was in hospital!) walk leaves me in an indescribable pain... would that doctor look at my black toes and purple with orange mottled leg? Ha! Don’t be daft. It’s all part of the plan that I GET ME and the shame and blame lies with ME.

It didn’t happen on my birthday. My sister and her kids took me outside. My littlest niece had JUST turned 2 and couldn’t grasp that it wasn’t HER birthday... just near the end of the evening SHE DID! It all clicked in her little clever brain and I just melted inside!

**

But then craziness happened. Group therapy has unearthed things i has buried! Things i wish had remained buried because they’re going to bury me now that they are unearthed. That hole needs filled with something and it seems it’s me that’s going in.

I truly thought my new therapist ‘got’ me. She doesn’t. I’m coming across as the girl who cries wolf. I’ve sat for too many hours with an escape option.

I had another plan.

I told no one.
I did not want to be a burden or cause hurt when the release would come for me.

And the joke was on me again.

I spent the whole of new year in hospital in isolation but without the means to carry out that plan.

So now, I can’t choose a specific date. A year is too long to hold on like this. It’s worse than ever and I’m clearly not explaining that very well to the psych.

If only i weren’t on her books/list/whatever.
I’d rather it didn’t fall at her feet.
Mess her head.
i just cannot keep seeing what i am.
If you saw, you’d understand.
Perhaps not condone, almost certainly not help...but understand.


Each day brings more information i had managed to hide from myself for decades. Now i am drowning and i have tried to word it so as to be clear without hurting her, or anyone who could get to those who can help... but i can’t. My ability to be clear has vanished. The clear things are the horrific things that i wish were blurred.

***

One incident i remember was in a foreign country and a father watched as his son assaulted me... in a way that now means i let nobody near me -even doctors/nurses...i have to cause more expense and be put to sleep for things...
he wasn’t taking ‘direction’ and was punched and told to “watch how it’s done son”. i was not there. i only remembered these words and being physically thrown round like -i’d say a doll but even a wee lassie wouldn’t handle their dolls like the way i can remember me/see me being handled. It’s like i’m floating above that scene. And yes IT DID HAPPEN. I WISH IT HAD NOT. I WISH I WERE THE LIAR SO MANY OBVIOUSLY THINK I AM. But... i am not.
i didn’t call out for help: it was my own doing; my own fault.

Midas

i most certainly have a variation of the Midas touch.
However, it is mixed with some sort of plague-like ability to spread to others -people i have NOT met or even heard of sometimes (!) ... everything and everyone i touch? i either hurt or completely destroy; either them or, at the very least, the interactions between us.
It’s ok though.
i am stopping that cycle.
If i were to tell that to someone it would be impossible to explain.
You either understand it or you do not.

So many pejorative labels, so little time.

i did try

Gotta go now.
The date does not matter.
Each day I cling on I hurt more -others and me.

I’m too broken to fix and I don’t feel like a person any longer.

(I’m not sure I ever felt like a person actually).

I didn’t mean to be selfish.
I did try.
It wasn’t all for attention.

You don’t recover from the new garbage I found buried in the darkness of my head.
Some say you learn to live with it.
Not with the knowledge of what I now know.
It’s too much.

If it means eternity in hell? I didn’t want that... I just can’t keep adding extra horror to the world by existing and unlocking more horrors hidden within.

HOW I RELATED BPD with ( 1984 ) Nineteen Eighty Four by GEORGE ORWELL

The following quotes just POPPED RIGHT OUT AT ME:
I know the themes of Nineteen Eighty Four that are taught in schools, well, I know what was taught 20 years when I was at high school...
I do not recall even knowing about personality disorders then; I most CERTAINLY did not have the 'label' of Bordeline Personality Disorder

*

"Doublethink means the power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them."

~This is what goes on in my head day and daily; this is what I fight with about EVERYTHING from ridiculously silly things
(If I go outside and turn left,  I will ruin the day for the people whose paths I cross AND the effects will ripple negatively THUS I should remain silent and inside this room and only burden those whom I've already met and who already worry I will do something stupid OR I should have turned right)
 to great big things
(I should move, since my wheelchair doesn't fit in here BUT if I do I will be worse off and EVEN MORE of a burden plus the flat has already had the adaptation of a wet room and it would be disgusting of me to leave here.)

Why does it unnerve me?

Being fake.
Secrets and lies.
Slander.
Hiding behind pretend screen names so that there is no accountability.
Evasion and little ‘white’ lies that are still lies.
Pretending and falseness.
Sneaking around.
Deception, dishonesty, distortions.
Bullshitting.
Evil exaggerations.
Cons and scams
Fraudsters and tricksters.
Planned misinformation.
Bearing false witness.
Fabrications and fiction.
Breaking promises.
Making promises you know you have no intention in keeping.
Fables, fibs, falsifications.
Misleading or misrepresentation of facts.
Intentional inaccuracies.
False pretences.
Defamation, gossip and malice.
Belittlement, backbiting, cattiness and spite.
Stringing others along.
Purposeful inventions and misrepresentations.
Tall tales.

~
Calling me any of these, implying I do these -particularly if it is implied that I do it on purpose and for my own benefit or as a mind game?
Yeah, that often results in me throwing things -either words or actual physical objects...

~
Do not call me a liar.

Expiration date

I’m VERY lost in my head... in the insanity of it all.
CRPS pain has increased lately and sleep had already been suffering prior to that ... NOW? It’s VERY MUCH ‘catch it when you can’ and I feel trapped.
Trapped in a broken body.
Trapped in an overwhelmingly messed up and messed with head.
Trapped in this circle of pain, physical and mental...and a physical pain from a mental pain (I swear if a doctor talks about psychosomatic pain again I will just lie on their floor, I’d say weeping but I’ve lost that ability as of late...) (that particular pain I’m talking about has been with me for as long as I can remember-I think since the age of 8...)

Now I’m not working and I’ve been waiting 13months for an appeal by the powers that be who decided I had suddenly gained the ability to walk fine overnight and removed my mobility car... I’m more of a burden than ever.
I cannot see me working again.
Every time I think it’s going well? BAM! Kicked right back beyond the starting position in the wrong direction and not knowing which way is up...
I’m a burden on my family be friends -who love me, I KNOW! but have their own lives and difficulties I just add more and it’s so selfish of me.
I tired so hard with taxis (big fear of mine, has been for many years and I unlocked that little beauty after a group therapy session... I’m just like a punchbag but for a different use... that’s my count of remembering different people who have hurt me in that way, up to 9... fuck! That’s so unfixable. It’s un-get-overable, it makes my stomach churn and my insides hurt...) What did they see? What do they see? An opportunity? Something else?
I tried the taxis, I really still try to try.
But no.
I’m trapped and reliant on family.
I’m draining them and they’ll tire and expire quicker with my leaning so heavily now.
I don’t mean to be selfish.
I don’t mean to mess up.
I don’t mean to be stuck here.
I don’t want to be stuck here.
I don’t want to be.

I continue to return to the illogical logic of knowing that my birthday would be a completely tarnished date one day and that the least selfish thing I could do is not ruin another...