Expiration date

I’m VERY lost in my head... in the insanity of it all.
CRPS pain has increased lately and sleep had already been suffering prior to that ... NOW? It’s VERY MUCH ‘catch it when you can’ and I feel trapped.
Trapped in a broken body.
Trapped in an overwhelmingly messed up and messed with head.
Trapped in this circle of pain, physical and mental...and a physical pain from a mental pain (I swear if a doctor talks about psychosomatic pain again I will just lie on their floor, I’d say weeping but I’ve lost that ability as of late...) (that particular pain I’m talking about has been with me for as long as I can remember-I think since the age of 8...)

Now I’m not working and I’ve been waiting 13months for an appeal by the powers that be who decided I had suddenly gained the ability to walk fine overnight and removed my mobility car... I’m more of a burden than ever.
I cannot see me working again.
Every time I think it’s going well? BAM! Kicked right back beyond the starting position in the wrong direction and not knowing which way is up...
I’m a burden on my family be friends -who love me, I KNOW! but have their own lives and difficulties I just add more and it’s so selfish of me.
I tired so hard with taxis (big fear of mine, has been for many years and I unlocked that little beauty after a group therapy session... I’m just like a punchbag but for a different use... that’s my count of remembering different people who have hurt me in that way, up to 9... fuck! That’s so unfixable. It’s un-get-overable, it makes my stomach churn and my insides hurt...) What did they see? What do they see? An opportunity? Something else?
I tried the taxis, I really still try to try.
But no.
I’m trapped and reliant on family.
I’m draining them and they’ll tire and expire quicker with my leaning so heavily now.
I don’t mean to be selfish.
I don’t mean to mess up.
I don’t mean to be stuck here.
I don’t want to be stuck here.
I don’t want to be.

I continue to return to the illogical logic of knowing that my birthday would be a completely tarnished date one day and that the least selfish thing I could do is not ruin another...