Friday, 4 January 2013

Kathi Stringer's BPD explanation

What are the Borderline Personality Disorder Traits?

Here are the traits of Borderline Personality Disorder as defined by the DSM. A diagnosis requires that the subject present with at least five of these. In I Hate You -- Don't Leave Me! Jerold Kriesman and Hal Straus refer to BPD as "emotional hemophilia; [a borderline] lacks the clotting mechanism needed to moderate his spurts of feeling. Stimulate a passion, and the borderline emotionally bleeds to death."
Traits involving emotions:
Quite frequently people with Borderline Personality Disorder have a very hard time controlling their emotions. They may feel ruled by them. One researcher (Marsha Linehan) said, "People with Borderline Personality Disorder are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement."
1. Shifts in mood lasting only a few hours.
2. Anger that is inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable.
Traits involving behavior:
3. Self-destructive acts, such as self-mutilation or suicidal threats and gestures that happen more than once
4. Two potentially self-damaging impulsive behaviors. These could include alcohol and other drug abuse, compulsive spending, gambling, eating disorders, shoplifting, reckless driving, compulsive sexual behavior.
Traits involving identity
5. Marked, persistent identity disturbance shown by uncertainty in at least two areas. These areas can include self-image, sexual orientation, career choice or other long-term goals, friendships, values. People with Borderline Personality Disorder may not feel like they know who they are, or what they think, or what their opinions are, or what religion they should be. Instead, they may try to be what they think other people want them to be. Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder said, "I have a hard time figuring out my personality. I tend to be whomever I'm with."
6. Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom. Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder said, "I remember describing the feeling of having a deep hole in my stomach. An emptiness that I didn't know how to fill. My therapist told me that was from almost a "lack of a life". The more things you get into your life, the more relationships you get involved in, all of that fills that hole. As a borderline, I had no life. There were times when I couldn't stay in the same room with other people. It almost felt like what I think a panic attack would feel like."
Traits involving relationships
7. Unstable, chaotic intense relationships characterized by splitting (see below).
 8. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
  • Splitting: the self and others are viewed as "all good" or "all bad." Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder said, "One day I would think my doctor was the best and I loved her, but if she challenged me in any way I hated her. There was no middle ground as in like. In my world, people were either the best or the worst. I couldn't understand the concept of middle ground."
     
  • Alternating clinging and distancing behaviors (I Hate You, Don't Leave Me). Sometimes you want to be close to someone. But when you get close it feels TOO close and you feel like you have to get some space. This happens often.
     
  • Great difficulty trusting people and themselves. Early trust may have been shattered by people who were close to you.
  • Sensitivity to criticism or rejection.
     
  • Feeling of "needing" someone else to survive
     
  • Heavy need for affection and reassurance
     
Some people with Borderline Personality Disorder may have an unusually high degree of interpersonal sensitivity, insight and empathy
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
This means feeling "out of it," or not being able to remember what you said or did. This mostly happens in times of severe stress.
Miscellaneous attributes of people with
Borderline Personality Disorder:
  • People with Borderline Personality Disorder are often bright, witty, funny, life of the party.
     
  • They may have problems with object constancy. When a person leaves (even temporarily), they may have a problem recreating or remembering feelings of love that were present between themselves and the other. Often, Borderline Personality Disorder patients want to keep something belonging to the loved one around during separations.
     
  • They frequently have difficulty tolerating aloneness, even for short periods of time.
     
  • Their lives may be a chaotic landscape of job losses, interrupted educational pursuits, broken engagements, hospitalizations.
     
  • Many have a background of childhood physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or physical/emotional neglect. 
[http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/borderline/bpd-traits.htm]

BPD funny pictures














Thursday, 3 January 2013

showing my arm

I cut my arm a wee bit deeper than i have done in, well possibly ever -my memory of things is hazy to say the least.

i know i have put pictures of my arms and thighs here but nobody know me...and even if they do it's not the same as showing someone in the flesh.

but today the nice CT lady asked to see because it was a we bit deeper and it had come through the second plaster i'd put on it...i did let her see. it wasn't horrible to show her but it certainly wasn't nice...i felt awful inside -as though my stomach was bubbling with the self-loathing i am so evidently filled with.

she asked about my other arm.

the one with words on it.

i said it was fine and wasn't infected but wasn't so sure of showing it -it's even more shameful than just 'normal' cutting (eh, did i just refer to cutting as normal...?!!Sheesh i need a brain scan to see just how big this massive abnormality in me is!)

i didn't show her.

kNOw pain
kNOw SHame

Brain imaging & scientific research into BPD

Okay, so in trying to learn more about BPD (Borderline Personality disorder) I cam eacross the following:



Reading more about this annotated brain image it transpires that a strong correlation was found for increased activity in an area slightly above the amygdala (increased amygdalar ventral striatal activity) and increased negative emotions in BPDs.

The connection between the frontal areas of the brain and the amygdala don’t work as it should in the brains of BPDs.

***
 -SOOOOO...it IS all in my head, but not the way I think it is...it's not just imagined!!!
***

The anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) plays a role in the regulation of emotion & putting the breaks on emotional responses.
BPDS have less grey-matter in the ACC.
A study showed that as the left ACC volume decreased parasuicidal behaviours increased and as left ACC volume increased impulsivity increased.

***
-WOAH, just WOAH!!
***

Elevated levels of glutamate, an excitatory neurotransmitter, was found in the ACCs of BPDs (when compared to the images of those without).
The higher the levels of glutamate the more impulsive the person is, no matter what diagnosis they have.
Higher glutamate concentrations were associated with dissociation as well as severity of symptoms in BPDs.

Reductions in the hippocampus,amygdala and ACC are not specific to BPD,they occur in other mental disorders such as PTSD and MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) and in people who have been exposed to trauma.

***
-well...since i fall into more than one of those categories...
***
 
~[http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Borderline_Personality_Disorder_%28BPD%29_Abnormal_Brain_Structures.png]


Have you ever...

  • sat in a waiting area of a mental health service in total distress and overheard the conversation where someone sums up your life experiences -completely emotionless- within a few seconds and talking almost as if they're so much better tan you you should've stopped existing a long time ago?
  • made a noose, the 'proper' way?
  • put a rope around your neck and wished and prayed you had the courage to just take one teeny tiny step, then, having been unable to do such a small thing, come back down and written on your arms -with a blade?
  • wished you'd stopped existing many many years ago and thus everyone around  you would be 'back to normal' by now?
  • been in a group and felt like you just weren't behaving like everyone else?
  • noticed your medication stock being so depleted that there isn't enough for the week but you just seem unable to pick up the damn phone and ask for more??
  • been on the threshold of coping?
  • felt your skin cry out to be punched/cut/burned?

Wednesday, 2 January 2013

My favourite songs and lyrics from "The Hunger Games"

Deep in the Meadow
Deep in the meadow, under the willow
A bed of grass, a soft green pillow
Lay down your head, and close your sleepy eyes
And when you awake, the sun will rise.
Here it's safe, here it's warm
Here the daisies guard you from harm
Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true
Here is the place where I love you.

Deep in the meadow, hidden far away
A cloak of leaves, A moonbeam ray,
Forget your woes and let your troubles lay
And when again it's morning, they'll wash away.
Here it's safe, here it's warm
Here the daisies guard you from every harm
Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true
Here is the place where I love you. 


The Hanging Tree
Are you, Are you
Coming to the tree
Where they strung up a man they say murdered three
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree

Are you, Are you
Coming to the tree
Where the dead man called out for his love to flee
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree'

Are you, Are you
Coming to the tree
Where I told you to run, so we'd both be free
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree.

Are you, Are you
Coming to the tree
Wear a necklace of rope, side by side with me.
Strange things did happen here,
No stranger would it be'
'If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree. 


Abraham's Daughter ~Arcade Fire
Abraham took Isaac's hand
And led him to the lonesome hill

While his daughter hid and watched
She dared not breathe she was so still

Just as an angel cried for the slaughter
Abraham's daughter raised her voice
Then the angel asked her what her
Name was she said "I have none."

Then he asked how can this be
My father never gave me one
And when she saw him raised for the slaughter
Abraham's daughter raised her bow

How darest you child defy your father
You better let young Isaac go


Tomorrow Will Be Kinder
Black Clouds Are Behind Me
I Now Can See Ahead Often I Wonder Why I Try Hoping For An End Sorrow Weighs My Shoulders Down And Trouble Haunts My Mind But I Know The Present Will Not Last And Tomorrow Will Be Kinder Tomorrow Will Be Kinder It's True I've Seen It Before A Brighter Day Is Comin' My Way Yes Tomorrow Will Be Kinder Today I've Cried A Many Tear And Pain Is In My Heart Around me lies a sombre Scene I Don't Know Where To Start But I Feel Warmth On My Skin The Stars Have all Aligned The Wind Has Blown But Now I Know That Tomorrow Will Be Kinder Tomorrow Will Be Kinder I Know I've seen it before A Brighter Day Is Coming My Way Yes Tomorrow Will Be Kinder A Brighter Day Is Coming My Way Yes Tomorrow Will Be Kinder

 Safe and Sound ~Taylor SwiftI remember tears streaming down your face When I said, "I'll never let you go" When all those shadows almost killed your light I remember you said, "Don't leave me here alone" But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight Just close your eyes The sun is going down You'll be alright No one can hurt you now Come morning light You and I'll be safe and sound Don't you dare look out your window, darling, Everything's on fire The war outside our door keeps raging on Hold on to this lullaby Even when the music's gone Gone Just close your eyes The sun is going down You'll be alright No one can hurt you now Come morning light You and I'll be safe and sound Oooh, Oooh, Oooh, Oooh Oooh, Oooh, Oooh, Oooh La La (La La) La La (La La) Oooh, Oooh, Oooh, Oooh Oooh, Oooh, Oooh, Oooh La La (La La) Just close your eyes You'll be alright Come morning light, You and I'll be safe and sound... Oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh oh oh. [x7]

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

it's 2013

and i am still here.

wondering how much destruction i will wreak this year for others, and for myself...