Midas

i most certainly have a variation of the Midas touch.
However, it is mixed with some sort of plague-like ability to spread to others -people i have NOT met or even heard of sometimes (!) ... everything and everyone i touch? i either hurt or completely destroy; either them or, at the very least, the interactions between us.
It’s ok though.
i am stopping that cycle.
If i were to tell that to someone it would be impossible to explain.
You either understand it or you do not.

So many pejorative labels, so little time.

i did try

Gotta go now.
The date does not matter.
Each day I cling on I hurt more -others and me.

I’m too broken to fix and I don’t feel like a person any longer.

(I’m not sure I ever felt like a person actually).

I didn’t mean to be selfish.
I did try.
It wasn’t all for attention.

You don’t recover from the new garbage I found buried in the darkness of my head.
Some say you learn to live with it.
Not with the knowledge of what I now know.
It’s too much.

If it means eternity in hell? I didn’t want that... I just can’t keep adding extra horror to the world by existing and unlocking more horrors hidden within.

HOW I RELATED BPD with ( 1984 ) Nineteen Eighty Four by GEORGE ORWELL

The following quotes just POPPED RIGHT OUT AT ME:
I know the themes of Nineteen Eighty Four that are taught in schools, well, I know what was taught 20 years when I was at high school...
I do not recall even knowing about personality disorders then; I most CERTAINLY did not have the 'label' of Bordeline Personality Disorder

*

"Doublethink means the power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them."

~This is what goes on in my head day and daily; this is what I fight with about EVERYTHING from ridiculously silly things
(If I go outside and turn left,  I will ruin the day for the people whose paths I cross AND the effects will ripple negatively THUS I should remain silent and inside this room and only burden those whom I've already met and who already worry I will do something stupid OR I should have turned right)
 to great big things
(I should move, since my wheelchair doesn't fit in here BUT if I do I will be worse off and EVEN MORE of a burden plus the flat has already had the adaptation of a wet room and it would be disgusting of me to leave here.)

Why does it unnerve me?

Being fake.
Secrets and lies.
Slander.
Hiding behind pretend screen names so that there is no accountability.
Evasion and little ‘white’ lies that are still lies.
Pretending and falseness.
Sneaking around.
Deception, dishonesty, distortions.
Bullshitting.
Evil exaggerations.
Cons and scams
Fraudsters and tricksters.
Planned misinformation.
Bearing false witness.
Fabrications and fiction.
Breaking promises.
Making promises you know you have no intention in keeping.
Fables, fibs, falsifications.
Misleading or misrepresentation of facts.
Intentional inaccuracies.
False pretences.
Defamation, gossip and malice.
Belittlement, backbiting, cattiness and spite.
Stringing others along.
Purposeful inventions and misrepresentations.
Tall tales.

~
Calling me any of these, implying I do these -particularly if it is implied that I do it on purpose and for my own benefit or as a mind game?
Yeah, that often results in me throwing things -either words or actual physical objects...

~
Do not call me a liar.

Expiration date

I’m VERY lost in my head... in the insanity of it all.
CRPS pain has increased lately and sleep had already been suffering prior to that ... NOW? It’s VERY MUCH ‘catch it when you can’ and I feel trapped.
Trapped in a broken body.
Trapped in an overwhelmingly messed up and messed with head.
Trapped in this circle of pain, physical and mental...and a physical pain from a mental pain (I swear if a doctor talks about psychosomatic pain again I will just lie on their floor, I’d say weeping but I’ve lost that ability as of late...) (that particular pain I’m talking about has been with me for as long as I can remember-I think since the age of 8...)

Now I’m not working and I’ve been waiting 13months for an appeal by the powers that be who decided I had suddenly gained the ability to walk fine overnight and removed my mobility car... I’m more of a burden than ever.
I cannot see me working again.
Every time I think it’s going well? BAM! Kicked right back beyond the starting position in the wrong direction and not knowing which way is up...
I’m a burden on my family be friends -who love me, I KNOW! but have their own lives and difficulties I just add more and it’s so selfish of me.
I tired so hard with taxis (big fear of mine, has been for many years and I unlocked that little beauty after a group therapy session... I’m just like a punchbag but for a different use... that’s my count of remembering different people who have hurt me in that way, up to 9... fuck! That’s so unfixable. It’s un-get-overable, it makes my stomach churn and my insides hurt...) What did they see? What do they see? An opportunity? Something else?
I tried the taxis, I really still try to try.
But no.
I’m trapped and reliant on family.
I’m draining them and they’ll tire and expire quicker with my leaning so heavily now.
I don’t mean to be selfish.
I don’t mean to mess up.
I don’t mean to be stuck here.
I don’t want to be stuck here.
I don’t want to be.

I continue to return to the illogical logic of knowing that my birthday would be a completely tarnished date one day and that the least selfish thing I could do is not ruin another...