Meltdown called crisis

Called the number I was given for mental health crisis last week (I think)... They said they were going to call me back on the 3rd of Feb. So I called another number and got my psychiatrist's Personal Assistant ... I never call for help. I barely ask for help. Psych called me even though she only works one day a week and that wasn't one of them.

She asked if I could stay with my sister. I did just that night...

Now? I'm worse than ever.

I have had flashbacks and nightmares and now I'm lost in them.

I see no anything. No future. Nothing. I'm just so helpless and a total inconvenience.

I'm drowning and completely empty inside and everyone else everyone is ok and "life goes on" ... But ... I have no life, it's completely messed up beyond the beyonds.

I tried explaining it but I'm going round in circles and I just end up back here every time.

Some people can try and say it'll be ok or whatever, that they know what it's like... 

Umm really? 

You don't get it!

 I don't get it!!

I wish I could just go somewhere and stop existing - one bit of pain to anyone that might feel that (and I feel fucking big headed thinking I'd be of any significance to anyone to cause them any anything)...

I can't even cut.

Punching yeah ok and that's it and that's all.

I don't care if someone has to deal with all the clutter I've collected. Or finding me. But I can't.

Can't even leave right.

Idiot.

Nobody could possibly hate anyone more than I hate me.

Panic meltdown

Ok, MAJOR meltdown occurring...

I don't want to TRIGGER anyone but I do not know what to do.

The services in Glasgow all changed and some people were given the crisis numbers and others, not -I was not...

Been bumbling along...

Managed to switch my brain off just to get from one appointment to the next but now I'm ...I don't know. And I don't know what to do. I called the only number I have and I am getting an emergency call on the 3rd of Feb...??!

Is it JUST ME or is that forever away??

The police are swarmed about outside because a 21year old was murdered on Saturday. Was trying to hold it together but the to licensing people came to door and are dressed very similar to police. 

I knew the boy...ok, young man... It was his brother that was my shadow because he was partially sighted and really struggling with bullies...i was working -they were kids in group. I'm having all sorts of flashbacks now.

Heart is pounding and in ears and temples.

I can't go out.

I fought outside for a long time but now??????!

And now this tv man barging way into flat and being rude?? 

I don't want to be in these flats.

I can't even think about how I could move (physically I'd need to rely on others) and now I'm more melty than ever. And I don't even know where to start or how...

I've been sick now.

This is just dreadful.

Nothing brings that poor boy back to his brother and I'm just being a whiny idiot.

"There's been a murder" (in Glasgow's East End)

That phrase from Taggart (what a good actor!) broad Glaswegian and you just KNEW you were going to get a great storyline...

It's now rather odd...

1. Taggart continues WITHOUT Taggart (he passed away OUTWITH a plot line..I mean, in real life...) I have NO IDEA how they put it into the show because I don't think I watched it again without him in it.

2. Yet another murder in Glasgow. This one, this time yesterday. Heaven knows what was unfolding but IN BROAD DAYLIGHT RIGHT OUTSIDE MY ADJACENT FLAT ENTRANCE, a boy (21...barely an adult, but yes,

Ok, a young adult male) was found fighting for his life.

3. He did not win that fight.

4. He lived a bit of an old-before-his-time life...his gran and mum had passed away and he lived with his girlfriend -so the media circus says.

...the girlfriend will be the owner of the shrieks and wails I heard then? God love her!

Nobody NOBODY deserves to have such an horrific thing happen, the ripples ad consequences are far beyond what you could imagine. 

4. I did not m is him and yet today it is swimming round my head and I've had about 2 hours of sleep. I feel sick. I DID NOT KNOW HIM. Is this BPD? Is this the monster in my head? I CANNOT STEP FOOT OUT OF MY DOOR. I won't allow my sister to come pick me up. I told my mum I'm never leaving the flat again -slight exaggeration obviously --and I told her so! A step forward! Normally I completely mean it!

My poor mum must be worried I'll nosedive and return to my hermitage...

She only lives through the trees.

This is the stuff from films isn't it?

It's not supposed to happen. Certainly not RIGHT THERE...I'm literally looking at 20 police officers!

This is not the first murder here. It's not the first in the few years I've lived here. It still haunts and horrifies me. It's the stuff of nightmares. 

In the very early hours of this morning I could hear yet more grief pouring out. Wails and sobs of a damaged heart. Grief that cannot be tamed just outside my window...this is just one death? This world is so, so broken... I cannot even imagine the places in the world where it isn't safe to step a foot out of place (or even step foot!) A relative/friend had clearly just arrived... My heart hurts for them...nobody deserves that...nobody.

Glasgow housing association have been staying that the crime records have been WAAAY down and what not to get people to move into these flats -and, yes, it is petty things that have been grinding my gears...but this??!! This?! Poor boy!

Sandyhills. Had a bad reputation - then went quiet now... This?!

I thought they'd be gone by morning - wrong! 

New Year, New Mess

My diary finished in December so I have well and truly messed up what appointments are when. I have a couple of appointment cards but that's it; there are almost 20 departments I belong to spread over five hospitals and then there's stuff over and above that -more eye appointments and physios and...

Well... I haven't a clue when they are -and I can't call places at the best of times regardless of the fact that it's going to be a "hi I'm a frikkin idiot and I don't know when any of my appointments are"... AND THEN???! I have to make the call over and over???

I can't.

My cheeky cat is cuddling me now. He knows when I'm struggling.

Ah 1pm... I need to sleep and stop this melting head. 

Two thousand and sixteen

*~* 2016 *~*

Start as you mean to go on and all that...

I'm a complete and utter mess. I have a migraine so this will be short.

The world is a mess. The rich continue to be grossly rich in comparison to the poor. There's not much I can do to help. Is it not a fact that I ADD to the theft of food in a pretty roundabout and backwards way from the struggling in this country.

Other countries however, there are some that ...

I can't.

I just can't.