being miss cling fling

Ah my head swaps the cling film -isn't it funny...

Someone I spoke to said it was great i felt like cling film -because i must feel protected

...it's not protection for me...

...I'm see-through and nobody even knows
When I'm there or not -til I've not done something they've wanted;

Easily broken;
never perfect -or even close,
and thrown away as soon as possible

PARANOIA AND BLEURGH

my paranoia is through the roof just now -i have illogical logic but can see it's insane -so does that mean i'm not?....for instance, i was followed by 10 different police vehicles the last time i was out...my friend was all "oh calm down Maria, it's just coincidence" but by number 8 she was joining my tune...

ALSO, i broke my ankle 4 years ago and still use walking aids and am on mahahasive doses of pain and nerve meds plus all my others...and i took a bad fall last Tuesday and have crawled since..the doc said they'd get back to me...needed to wait for my pain management team's say so before messing about with meds...pain management want to wait for psychotherapist's advice before doing anything -SHE'S BEEN OFF ILL SINCE MAY....WTF....RRAAARGH...THEY'RE ALL IN ON IT SO I GET ME AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH MY ME-NESS...see...this both makes and does not make sense to me just now...how is that even possible?!!


Oh, and i'm STILL waiting on crisis getting in touch....that's 8days now...

THEY ARE ALL IN ON THIS!!!

Diana Ross -Still waiting...

long story short...i'm just absolutely on my a$$, you know?
...and desperate not to bring anyone and everyone down like dominoes with me...
so figured it was best to just shooosh...

been waiting on the crisis team to get in touch since GP asked them to at 10am on Tuesday...good grief -this is the CRISIS INTERVENTION in the UK (well, Glagsow anyway)...i'm on my knees and my brain has had to check out just so i'll BE HERE to BE HELPED....but i swear -if they say "what do you expect from us" like last time...there's a fair chance i'll smash something...

A bad day

i'm thinking i need more help before i slip into complete insanity

but i don't know how to go about things
- what kind of help do i need - i don't know
- where do you go when you don't even know the answer to that...
--and even if i knew, i still wouldn't know where to turn
---and i'd stumble over my words and i hate calling people/companies/anyone...

Today (Monday) for instance, was horrific -i had to post a letter as it needs to get to London for Thur and it took me from 7:30am trying to get outside; i got out of the flat just before half3...

and was in A TOTAL MESS

i cried openly in public as i wandered along gripping my rollator's brakes and having to stop from the pain in my leg ...

To get help they have this horrific 'personalisation' form

ever tried to fill one of THOSE in?!

THEY LEAVE ME FEELING...WELL... DE-PERSONALISED
...inhuman/subhuman/worthless/...like a leach or a failure..SICK

i DO need more help than i am getting -but because i've basically become a recluse over the last 4 years, the mental health problems started stacking up
-it's a bit like a game of mental-illness-tetris in my head...and i'm losing...
-and it's now at the bit where the lines are all muddled over one anther and so high up that the music is rapid and stressful...

this becomes a BIG problem because, i have physical pain and walking/showering aids as wel as this utter emotional/mental breakdown occurring alongside it -and they are DEFINITELY linked  and twisted so well together it seems they never will be going away...
i don't know if there is an agency that could/would help because sometimes i can just be flat on my back crying because of nerve pain OR emotional pain/mental exhaustion...

today was both -and it was bad

“I Hate Myself and I Want to Die”- Self Stigma

"Dec 30

Posted by prideinmadness

The societal stigma exerpeienced by those with mental health issues is painful but nothing is more painful than internalizing that stigma and believing you are in fact the negative things society says you are. You discriminate against yourself.

When you believe you are crazy, stupid, inadequate blah blah blah then what else do you really have? People come and go which is why you need to be able to find it within yourself to keep going.
The best way for me to show you what self stigma is, is through excerpts from my journals I wrote as a teenager which are rampant with stigma that I internalized.
“I’m fucked up.”
“I don’t want to quit [cutting] anymore. I can’t do it!…I’m totally insane! I’m going to tell my counsellor that I think I belong in a mental hospital…I’m sick…I’m a sad little whore.”
“FREAK”
“I’m just fucking stupid and fucked in the head!”
“I hate how I go crazy like that.”
“…this demon creature inside of me.”
“Sick little bitch”
“Just a sick little mind is what I have.”
“I’m not even Kristen right now, I’m someone else, I’m a monster.”
“If I was [my boyfriend] I would leave me.”
“I never thought of myself as selfish, but I guess I am.”
“Just a hopeless girl living in a hopeless world she put too much hope in.”
“I’m a shitty person, a shitty girlfriend, NO ONE CAN FUCKING LOVE ME!”
One of my journals is covered in words: Fake, Insane, Worthless, Ugly, Broken, Twised, Failure, Mental, Sick, Unwanted, Unloved and more.
You can see how believing these horrible things about youself can make recovering from a mental illness or a difficult experience near impossible. It’s this stigma that will lead to suicidal thoughts, attempts and unfortunately successful deaths.
When we help others build the strength to be confident in themselves and toss aside these destructive labels and beliefs then recovery can begin. When you believe in yourself then you’ll want to recover and it’s only through wanting recovery that it can actually happen.
Remember this isnt an individual problem. Soceity plays the biggest role in creating and keeping mental illness stigma alive. Stigma is damaging. People can’t go through life encountering barrier after barrier and not let it get to them. Do not think that when you call someone “crazy” or say things like, “mentally ill people scare me” that you are not hurting someone. You are. You are telling people to hate themselves and then we become sad when individuals, especially youth, commit suicide.
We can stop this. We need to do it together."

~(http://prideinmadness.wordpress.com/2011/12/30/i-hate-myself-and-i-want-to-die-self-stigma/, accessed on 2 March 2014)

Self harm distractions and tips

"Self Harm: Distractions and Coping Tips

December 4, 2007 by Addy

Following on from my brief list about ways to distract yourself from self-injuring, here are some more ideas of things you can try:

1. An Emergency Box
This is an awesome idea I came across whilst browsing the net one day…and no, it’s not another name for a first aid kit! It’s a box you can whip out in an emergency chock full of happy, fun and exciting things which you can look at to distract yourself from all those self harm urges.
Get yourself a shoe box, gift box, cardboard box, cereal box and cram it full of:

1. Photos of family, loved ones, friends, pets…etc…
2. Crossword Puzzles, word searches, suduko puzzles…
3. CDs of relaxing music…
4. A small journal with pens, colouring pencils and crayons…
5. Letters from family, loved ones, friends, pets…etc…
6. A list of reasons not to self harm…
7. Pictures and magazine clippings you like…
8. Chocolate :p

Basically anything which, upon ripping open that box will make you smile and laugh and feel all gooey inside enough to eradicate those evil self-harm ideas from your head. You see once you’ve got that box in place you can then let others know about it, friends and family who are helping you cope, then this way they can…

1. Hide letters in there which you don’t know about…
2. Secreat little presents in there…
3. Fill it with your favourite candy or sweets…

So then whenever you feel like self harming you can actually end up feeling pretty good instead.

2. Join an online forum or support groupThere are numerous online forums out there who offer online support for people at times of crisis: DepressioNet and Psyke.Org are two examples. There are more examples in the links list on the right hand side of the page, or if you are a Facebook fiend, check out this list of groups you can join.
These groups and forums are full of people who have been in exactly the same situation as you so they can help and support you no matter what sort of mood you’re in.

3. Go to the Psyke forum and read the post “The Vagina Game”It’ll make you laugh your ass off and dispel any thought of self harm – then see if you can come up with any of your own.

 4. [HAD TO DELETE AS I FOUND THIS ONE TRIGGERING!!!]addictive it may be, I’m not endorsing this one :p)
5. Dance!

6. Addict yourself to the iThink application.
It’s on Facebook, so you’ll need an account there. Share your opinions and go crazy with comments, it’s bloody addictive. Then add me as a friend and see how similar our opinions are!

7. Pick up the phone and phone a friend!

8. Do a survey!Here are some ones to start you off.
Distraction Survey #1: Random Fun
Distraction Survey #2: 119 Things About Me
Distraction Survey #3: 50 Random Questions
Distraction Survey #4: More Random Fun

9. Draw on yourself!
Grab some felt tips, pens, magic markers and go crazy by drawing all sorts of funky awesome piccies on your body. Got a boyfriend or girlfriend, strip ‘em and draw on them! Get them to drw [sic] on you! Drawing on yourself or consensual drawing with a partner is so much better than SI.

10. Write a list of things that might help curb those SI tendencies……and then post it as a highly enlightening blog post in the hope to inspire other people :p"

~(http://myjourneywithdepression.wordpress.com/2007/12/04/self-harm-distractions-and-coping-tips/?relatedposts_exclude=13243, accessed on 2 March 2014)

Self harm safety box

"How to create a self-harm safety box…

February 2, 2014 by Addy

Once upon a time, when I was much a much younger (and sexier) man than I am today, I used to own a box. On a purely aesthetic level, there was nothing special about this box. It was just a run-of-the-mill shoebox decorated with Doctor Who stickers, newspaper cuttings and images of the great Australian actress, Toni Pearen.
What was special about this box was on the inside, for I’d filled it with colouring pencils, rubber bands, bath salts, candy, a mini-colouring book, a couple of novels, a DVD and some (slightly more) risqué images of the great Australian actress, Toni Pearen.
For this box was my safety box; a box I could turn to when my self-harm urges grew so intense that I needed some serious distraction to stop me from injuring myself.
Over the years I owned this box I lost track of how many times it prevented me from doing something stupid, how many times I cried over its contents or how many people I lied to about its true purpose. But, as with most things, time stole this box from me and ever since it was taken from my life, I’ve missed it on more occasions than I can count.
Of all the tricks I used to dissuade me from self-harm, this box was the most successful.
Because it was mine.
And I loved it.
Recently, courtesy of a self-harm support group, I’ve created a new safety box for me to turn to. A box I have once again filled with fun little items and distracting shenanigans to quell any self-harm urges that may occur. So today, as well as sharing my box with you all, I’m going to tell you how you can make your very own safety box.

How to make your very own self-harm* safety box

The external of my new safety box (the Disney Princess contact was chosen by Meadhbh, as she has promised to play with me should I ever feel the need to open the box!) :)

1. All you need to start is a box. It can be an old shoebox, a gift box from your local giftware store or even a discarded cereal box. As long as it has four walls, a base and a lid, you’re good to go!
2. Once you’ve got your box, the next step is to personalise it. For this you can cover it with contact, decorate it with funky wrapping paper or even paint it. Let your creativity soar…this is your box after all!
3. The third step is to fill the box with items that will help you regain control during periods of emotional distress. Think things that make you happy. Think things that are tactile. Think things that trigger your senses. Think things that cannot do you harm. This is your box, so whatever you decide to put in it will be personal to you, but here are a few ideas to get you started:
   •  Arts and crafts: colouring pencils, finger paint, plasticine, paper, water colours, brushes.
   •  Brainteasers and puzzles: a small jigsaw puzzle, word-searches, Sudoku.
   •  Fun and games:  small toys, cuddly toys, travel board games, a pack of cards.
   • Odds and ends: books, DVDs, luxurious bath products, essential oils, meaningful photos, candy.
4. Once you’ve filled your box with all manner of exciting and smile-inducing items, simply store the box in a special, easy-to-remember place so that when things get rough you’ll know exactly where to find it!

Once your box has been completed and placed in special place, all you need to do is remember to use it should you ever become triggered and/or feel the urge to self-harm. When you come to use your box, make sure that you are in a private and safe place within your house (perhaps on your bed) and that the box and its contents are the only thing you have to hand…then just enjoy yourself! Go to town with colouring in, make cute monsters out of your play-dough or draw epic artworks upon the canvas of your body with a chunky red pen.
Remember, creating a self-harm safety box isn’t just about distracting you from the demons of self-harm, it’s about celebrating the awesomeness (and uniqueness) of you. Have fun with it, play with it, enjoy it and be good to yourself.

The contents of my self-harm safety box!

* It should be noted that you don’t have to be a self-harmer to create a safety box. Anyone can have a safety box to turn to in times of emotional distress, whether that distress be mental health related or simply the pains of day-to-day life!"

~(http://myjourneywithdepression.wordpress.com/2014/02/02/how-to-create-a-self-harm-safety-box/#comment-11279, accessed on 2 March 2014)

NEEDED TO COPY AND PASTE IT INCASE IT VANISHES -OR I CAN'T FIND IT AGAIN...