I'm an idiot and I need to STOP lending money!!

Having a rubbish day...I'm such an idiot...I loaned A LOT of money to someone I 'met' via facebook (not this group) and I think I've been told a pack of lies...I can't tell anyone I've done this (I did it once before -but it was a new neighbour on the landing and she told me a bunch of lies about having no food and could she borrow just a wee bit so her and her cat -I have one so she knew that would hook me I guess- could eat...over a year later and she's still got £60 of mine...)(social work and housing and community police made a report when I asked them not to...I already had agoraphobia before that...now I can't even go to the bin chute!!!!!)

Anyway I'm sorry for the rant...just trying to not go completely crazy with myself...

Yeah, I've "known" her for 5 years via mental health groups on facebook...she has a wee girl, IS A REAL PERSON (I think...my head's gone all melty now so now I'm questioning phonecalls etc...)...

They were going to get evicted and she spin me a RIGHT GOOD TALE IF IT WAS A TALE!!!

I'm so angry with myself...I'm too much of a pushover...

I'm SUCH an idiot...but I kind of think...well, this is not the first, second, third...you get my point -I don't learn...

I have now...I have no food for me and my cat's not happy with me watering his stuff a wee bit...he's getting bitey...LOL... You've got to laugh, right??

I was ok for money when I leany it to them...but now ...AAARGH I can't handle this -you know when you get to the "I-don't-see-a-tomorrow" point...stupid head!

Help for the lost cause...oh, riiiight...

I've reached that epically horrific moment where my eyeballs are ON FIRE 👀🔥 so much from lack of sleep 😴🚫 that plucking them out doesn't seem completely unreasonable...


Social worker called to say she'd be arriving within 45 minutes this morning; which she did...didn't want her too though...and sister was ignoring texts... So sat with a plaster the whole time going minute-by-minute...

Social worker hates me 😔

SAMH worker arrived as soon as S/W had sat down...

Missed buzzer due to time to put boot on blah blah...

In a nutshell, my support from SAMH will be taken away by March, and halved until then...

What the actual fuck?!

I just wish someone would kill me so my family and friends were left without thinking me s completely selfish bastard.


I hate myself enough for EVERONE EVERYWHERE; I don't need help to be hated...

Can't post because I just feel like nothing...

Utterly raging... Haven't felt 'right' for a while and have been fighting myself but have been being successful... JUST GOT A FRIKKIN LETTER through the door for a fine for pulling into a bus lane to use my inhaler...my blood is boiling!!!!!!!
I have ridiculous agoraphobia and paranoia and hadn't been out in quite a while...this has just added fuel to the fire...

Speaking of which I want to now go set the council buildings on fire...insert whole bunch of expletives here...

I had to pull over to find my inhaler...I had to fkn do it then and there and well, bus lanes weren't important -wouldn't I pull into the only FUCKING section with a camera?!!!! ...

... I'm so angry with myself...

...this goes into the bag of stupid reasons not to go out... And reasons to drive into a polis (don't worry, I don't drive when I feel that way...I barely move when I feel that way...Pfft I barely move!!!!!)


AAARGH I'm so fucking angry!!!!!!

I thought it would be better to feel anything than that emptiness the last wee while I've had...but now I want to cut arms...been fighting whilst hollow anyway now I've got even less of an ability to fend those thoughts off!!!!! Aaaaargh!!!!!

Youtube vlog on mental health/just me in general

I've wanted to do one for AAAAGES!!

But then BANG goes my anonymity...
I don't feel I should hide for my sake, but for that of the little ones in the family...

Plus...

I kind of go off on tangents easily...

That said, i still keep coming back to this thought...have done for years now...

Perhaps it's time to stop hiding...

My albino hamster of 3 and a half years has been put to sleep..

Where are you?
My beloved albino hamster hasn't long passed away and I properly cleaned all his stuff...my head and heart are fighting though...it's only been a week...
I hate waste and wouldn't want it to just sit in a cupboard...but...

In an uncontrollable rage

Spent hours waiting on a delivery waste of SAMH time and then got a text and email to say I wasn't in to sign for it and they'd put a card through -eh?! Wtf -called them VOICE OPTIONS EVENTUALLY GOT A BITCH AND I just WENT BERSERK started throwing shit EVERYFICKINGWHERE SAMH WOMAN WAS THE NICE ONE SO I CALMED DOWN A bit more...

I'm now with my 11 year old niece who had 2 hospital appointments and had to miss school today...

I NEVER stay angry round kids...

I've ALWAYS swore by that...

But now?!!!

Now...RIGHT NOW I WANT TO CUT MY ARMS TO BITS and she is sitting right opposite me in a public cafe ... And I don't care...

I am

So so so angry...

I am raging with myself

At these feelings

More

Than i am at the fact that the company messed me about and won't tell me who the delivery is from and then them saying i wasn't in -thus, effectively calling me a

Liar, and THEN saying my postcode doesn't exist...

Wtf? I don't exist?

So to whom did you try to deliver??????aaargh...they won't even say who the delivery is from...

Fuckwitz

I give the fuck up

Swearwords swearwords...blue badge expires tomorrow and they're being pure swearwords...I can't call anyone anymore raaargh

... point in anything...

... I only just got it in September!!!!!!!!!!

They are wrong and now I'm getting a bunch of nonsense about admin fees and I sent the wrong stuff and blah blah blah I DO NOT CARE that the games have slowed then down it whatever I NEED HELP...

Why are they doing this...

Why are all the "powers that be" throwing brick walls in my way and my body doing this half-life thing???!!

Why won't it just give in then nobody needs to be angry or sad or whatever...