My artwork

...and attempt to forget the fact that i am so lost in darkness...

just when you think you can't fall any further

Even if it gets worse, it will always get better.
You will get past whatever you are feeling right now, and then you will feel something else. 

 -to that i say pish, complete and utter bs...things don't always get better, people don't always feel better the next day or week or month...some never feel good again...some people feel nothing...

i used to think it was better to feel pain than nothing at all. i know now that too was a lie -it'd be better to cease to be. 

had one of the members of the crisis team say they are really intimidating and scary places...does she think this is news to me?...the whole bloody world is that anyway, hence my lack of going outside...arsepiece...It's a bloody joke my arms and legs are cut and burnt to frick and they think distracting myself with house work or watching youtube is the best way forward??!!!Seriously??!! Honestly mental health system is abysmal and leaves a lot to be desired...

I see a DBT psychotherapist and am waiting for a CBT one on top of that because I struggle to go outside now and they reckon this may help -how the fuck I'm 'sposed to get to those appointments, or the current ones though is a mystery to me...and this waiting game is letting things get worse...
it'd be a different story if i'd been waiting a day or a week or maybe a couple of  months...but it's been over a year now...

And folk think i'm mad for thinking 'they' are all out to get me to get me?!!

I've been on a whole whack of meds for years and i reckon that i need the anti-depressant swapped  swapped since i'm more suicidal today than ever in my life...still pretty much going from crisis to crisis so i'm told repeatedly by doctors that i know nothing (OK, so they don't quite say that...it just feels like it) and my assumption of them not being the best for me is mis-shapen because other ones will interact with my other meds...

i'd like a tablet to just kill me...

how simple -how much easier for them?!!! FOR EVERYONE?!!!

and for the poor bastards who'll have to clean up the mess i leave...


...but, alas, that cannot be given to me because of the "Hippocratic oath" -hypocritical oath more like it!!! -If you want to help THEN FUCKING HELP!!!

i've asked repeatedly...i've put up with being talked to like i'm a fucking imbicile...

and yet?...
not feeling the help or support...everything's supposedly "in the pipeline"... 

where the fuck is the other end of this pipe?...are there people coming to help me and fucking walking from Tazmania?!!

I'm beginning to realise that it is NeverNeverLand...no help is coming is it?
Does it even exist? What the fuck is real? I don't even know which way is up by this point...

'They' have all their guidelines and books with diagnoses
It was decided that i have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) which, i didn't want to know about at first, was just happy there was a name for what was 'wrong' with me..then i wanted to know more and realised i DO fit the categories within Borderline Bingo (there are 9 criterion you have to fill 5 or more...i fit into 9)...

SO...WHAT DO I GET FOR A FULL-HOUSE?!!


***

However, there's more to it than that and they find a label (or 2 or 20...) slap it/them on and..fuck off and leave you to it...

"you have to want to get better you are responsible for you"
*next person who says that to me...ooh you're getting hunted down...or haunted...whatever


Yes, i am responsible for me -and i am responsible for knowing when to ask for help -and i bloody well have been ....how many times i have called crisis mental health teams now?!!
WHY CAN'T YOU HELP ME?!!  HELP ME!!

i should be calling them now really but last time I called for help I was told by a nurse that I wouldn't do anything to hurt myself since all I ever do is threaten to hurt myself...

Um, yeah, ok...


i haven't gone outside properly since last April -nearly a year -WOW!...and haven't gone outside at all without my sister or a carer coming to physically remove me from my flat since September (not picking me up...just need someone with me as i leave the flat...)


The last ATOS medical i had i was found fit for work -i was still in a stookie and using my crutches and wheelchair -couldn't bathe alone etc...you get the picture...

if i could work i'd be working!!!

the whole frikkin system's run by drunkards!!

anyway...

i took it to a tribunal and won

have received a DLA form...but haven't filled it in yet

tried to...but ended up burning myself instead -it seemed more productive...i might be right

*to be frank i've never been helped by any system...they're all morons...the only thing that's been helpful to me in the last year has been this blog -not that anyone reads it or gives a monkeys
-but i don't care it helps i can vent and rant and swear
...say things i'd never say in real life, in the flesh, like...


...but then again, it has it's drawbacks...it's there, in print...and i can (and d!) go back over it and over it and remove things that are "just too bad" for folk to read...

...had one of the members of the crisis team say they are really intimidating and scary places...does she think this is news to me?...the whole bloody world is that anyway, hence my lack of going outside...arsepiece...It's a bloody joke my arms and legs are cut and burnt to frick and they think distracting myself with sleep or watching youtube is the best way forward??!!!Seriously??!! Honestly mental health system is bollocks...

I don't understand why nobody is willing to help me help me...i know they can't wave a magic wand and i'll be fine i know i have to want to get better...i do want to...

sorry

i'll possibly shut up now...i really should switch this off and call nhs24 coz i'm having yet another meltdown -all i want to do is take all of the tablets in my medication drawers...that's new...i always swore i'd never do that because too many folk end up worse off for it...

nhs24 -you can call to just chat to but they can take a good few hours to get back to you coz if somebody else phones from, like, a ledge...

yeah, well

ok

so...they work with a triage system, would have been a better phrase there

Hahaahaaaaa...

...but when i just need to chat i call breathing space

or text samaritans

when i'm in utter meltdown and need ACTUAL help i call OOH

but they all suck tbh

my GP practice is filled with sadistic bams too...

called in November to say i hadn't left the house in 7 weeks and he said "ok, can you come over"

no fucktard that's why i asked for a telephone consultation

swear to god!!

Psychotherapist thought i should have a cpn so i was sent for an assessment...
some bald dude -don't even remember his name -they KNOW I HATE MALES...WHY WOULD YOU SEND ME TO ONE?!!!!SEE...THEY ARE TRYING TO MAKE ME GET ME!!
...ANYWAY...All i remember from our not-very-long "chat" is that he is Catholic and had gone to school with the priest who was pushing my buttons that week...this was now 2 years ago -I stoped going to daily Mass since and morning prayer, in fact, i've stopped praying all together..and on the day i saw him it was a REALLY REALLY good day...seriously...borderline manic that day...

...also, since then i've been re-housed and had crisis team and police out a few times to remove ropes from me -more times than i'd care to remember...



So i got the GP to try to explain and end up getting told things like "sorry, there's nothing we can do...we've referred you to all the places we can"...


*The biggest problem for me is that i have physical and mental difficulties... i've been unable to walk unaided for over 3 years and mental-health 'issues' from the age of 14 according to them...

 every agency/department...well, they all want to pass the bloody buck and in the end i just keep falling further down the bloody great big crack...the holes in the net...

rock bottom isn't far...that's why i keep asking for help...

Dr SW -she's supposed to be the high-hied-yin for BPD ...she trains the British social workers...eh -then why's my social worker a total tool?! She hates me -i know she does...i add to her case-load that's already massive, i can't be helped, she's curt on the phone to the point of being hurtful -i couldn't do her job..i know i couldn't...i have much respect for her and the fact that she does do that job...but WHY DOES SHE HATE ME SO MUCH?!!

Psychotherapist dresses like Phoebe from Friends..in fact, she's VERY MUCH like Phoebe. I like her...but she keeps saying "we only have a few sessions" -that keeps freaking me out and i wish she'd stop saying it!!!
**i swear to GOD! She has BPD herself and that's the only reason she knows stuff about it!Hahaha!

I'M GOING NAKED TO MY NEXT APPT

fuck them all. Give you something to talk about...maybe i'll stop being Mr Cellophane?

Maybe they'd help?

just pure raging...i am completely and utterly filled with rage...


...why are they not helping?
why won't they help?
what do they know that i don't?
am i beyond help?...is that what they know?

or are just assmunches?



Someone asked me if i enjoying living by myself...
i couldn't answer...
i couldn't say yes...or no...

i don't know

don't like much of anything so answering no wouldn't be fair to the question i guess

GOOD GOD...i'm now worrying about offending QUESTIONS

jeez i need a wee padded room...

anger seems much easier to endure and express than grief...
The hatred i feel for what i've become is only equalled by the hatred i feel for the systems they perceive, often with startling clarity, as having contributed to this becoming...

fuck you all...all of you who had a hand in me being who i am today...

• psychology passing me to psychiatry and back and back and back all through my teens...then wondering why i wouldn't talk anymore..

• the high school i attended not wanting to go near anything with a 10 foot bargepole...
• counsellor at Uni telling me i was too much for her to take on
• Priests ignoring me
• Religious sisters laughing at me -actually fat-out laughed at me and said that i "don't know what problems are"
• Friends -ha! When you overhear 'friends' talking about you at the age of 15 and some calling you a liar...well, you catch on to the fact that there's no such thing as a friend
• Employers asking me to remove the long-sleeved top under my uniform as it's not "recognised regulation uniform" then having looks of disgust at what was then, tiny scars! ....and losing your job shortly thereafter...AND HAVING THIS HAPPEN MORE THAN ONE...MORE THAN TWICE!!!
•  Teachers at high school calling you an attention seeker -so you just stop asking for help...
• Police asking if you know what slander is -at the age of 14...YES, I KNEW!!ASSPIECE!
• 'Professionals' telling me "you can't blame him for what he did to you...you don't know how he was brought up...that could have been 'normal' to him"...excuse me, but what the fuck kind of advice was that?!! was that helpful?!! No...because i ran out of the room and kept running til i could hear my heart in my ears and my eyes were fuzzy...and i found a piece of glass on the ground and slumped down and cut and cut and cut...because who did it mean i was to blame?.... 

  

 yes, that's right....

me.
 


Untreatable and Un-helpable

Ruby Wax - What's So Funny about Mental Illness?

One in four people suffer from some sort of mental illness, so if it was one, two, three, four, it's you, sir. You. Yeah. (Laughter) With the weird teeth. And you next to him. (Laughter) You know who you are. Actually, that whole row isn't right. (Laughter) That's not good. Hi. Yeah. Real bad. Don't even look at me. (Laughter)
 
I am one of the one in four.
Thank you.

I think I inherit it from my mother, who, used to crawl around the house on all fours. She had two sponges in her hand, and then she had two tied to her knees. My mother was completely absorbent. (Laughter) And she would crawl around behind me going, "Who brings footprints into a building?!" So that was kind of a clue that things weren't right. So before I start, I would like to thank the makers of Lamotrigine, Sertraline, and Reboxetine, because without those few simple chemicals, I would not be vertical today.
 
So how did it start? My mental illness -- well, I'm not even going to talk about my mental illness. What am I going to talk about? Okay. I always dreamt that, when I had my final breakdown, it would be because I had a deep Kafkaesque existentialist revelation, or that maybe Cate Blanchett would play me and she would win an Oscar for it. (Laughter) But that's not what happened. I had my breakdown during my daughter's sports day. There were all the parents sitting in a parking lot eating food out of the back of their car -- only the English -- eating their sausages. They loved their sausages. (Laughter) Lord and Lady Rigor Mortis were nibbling on the tarmac, and then the gun went off and all the girlies started running, and all the mummies went, "Run! Run Chlamydia! Run!" (Laughter) "Run like the wind, Veruca! Run!" And all the girlies, girlies running, running, running, everybody except for my daughter, who was just standing at the starting line, just waving, because she didn't know she was supposed to run. So I took to my bed for about a month, and when I woke up I found I was institutionalized, and when I saw the other inmates, I realized that I had found my people, my tribe. (Laughter) Because they became my only friends, they became my friends, because very few people that I knew -- Well, I wasn't sent a lot of cards or flowers. I mean, if I had had a broken leg or I was with child I would have been inundated, but all I got was a couple phone calls telling me to perk up. Perk up. Because I didn't think of that. (Laughter) (Laughter) (Applause)
 
Because, you know, the one thing, one thing that you get with this disease, this one comes with a package, is you get a real sense of shame, because your friends go, "Oh come on, show me the lump, show me the x-rays," and of course you've got nothing to show, so you're, like, really disgusted with yourself because you're thinking, "I'm not being carpet-bombed. I don't live in a township." So you start to hear these abusive voices, but you don't hear one abusive voice, you hear about a thousand -- 100,000 abusive voices, like if the Devil had Tourette's, that's what it would sound like. But we all know in here, you know, there is no Devil, there are no voices in your head. You know that when you have those abusive voices, all those little neurons get together and in that little gap you get a real toxic "I want to kill myself" kind of chemical, and if you have that over and over again on a loop tape, you might have yourself depression. Oh, and that's not even the tip of the iceberg. If you get a little baby, and you abuse it verbally, its little brain sends out chemicals that are so destructive that the little part of its brain that can tell good from bad just doesn't grow, so you might have yourself a home-grown psychotic. If a soldier sees his friend blown up, his brain goes into such high alarm that he can't actually put the experience into words, so he just feels the horror over and over again.
 
So here's my question. My question is, how come when people have mental damage, it's always an active imagination? How come every other organ in your body can get sick and you get sympathy, except the brain?
 
I'd like to talk a little bit more about the brain, because I know you like that here at TED, so if you just give me a minute here, okay. Okay, let me just say, there's some good news. There is some good news. First of all, let me say, we've come a long, long way. We started off as a teeny, teeny little one-celled amoeba, tiny, just sticking onto a rock, and now, voila, the brain. Here we go. (Laughter) This little baby has a lot of horsepower. It comes completely conscious. It's got state-of-the-art lobes. We've got the occipital lobe so we can actually see the world. We got the temporal lobe so we can actually hear the world. Here we've got a little bit of long-term memory, so, you know that night you want to forget, when you got really drunk? Bye-bye! Gone. (Laughter) So actually, it's filled with 100 billion neurons just zizzing away, electrically transmitting information, zizzing, zizzing. I'm going to give you a little side view here. I don't know if you can get that here. (Laughter) So, zizzing away, and so — (Laughter) — And for every one — I know, I drew this myself. Thank you. For every one single neuron, you can actually have from 10,000 to 100,000 different connections or dendrites or whatever you want to call it, and every time you learn something, or you have an experience, that bush grows, you know, that bush of information. Can you imagine, every human being is carrying that equipment, even Paris Hilton? (Laughter) Go figure.
 
But I got a little bad news for you folks. I got some bad news. This isn't for the one in four. This is for the four in four. We are not equipped for the 21st century. Evolution did not prepare us for this. We just don't have the bandwidth, and for people who say, oh, they're having a nice day, they're perfectly fine, they're more insane than the rest of us. Because I'll show you where there might be a few glitches in evolution. Okay, let me just explain this to you. When we were ancient man — (Laughter) — millions of years ago, and we suddenly felt threatened by a predator, okay? — (Laughter) — we would — Thank you. I drew these myself. (Laughter) Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. (Applause) Thank you. Anyway, we would fill up with our own adrenaline and our own cortisol, and then we'd kill or be killed, we'd eat or we'd be eaten, and then suddenly we'd de-fuel, and we'd go back to normal. Okay. So the problem is, nowadays, with modern man — (Laughter) — when we feel in danger, we still fill up with our own chemical but because we can't kill traffic wardens — (Laughter) — or eat estate agents, the fuel just stays in our body over and over, so we're in a constant state of alarm, a constant state. And here's another thing that happened. About 150,000 years ago, when language came online, we started to put words to this constant emergency, so it wasn't just, "Oh my God, there's a saber-toothed tiger," which could be, it was suddenly, "Oh my God, I didn't send the email. Oh my God, my thighs are too fat. Oh my God, everybody can see I'm stupid. I didn't get invited to the Christmas party!" So you've got this nagging loop tape that goes over and over again that drives you insane, so, you see what the problem is? What once made you safe now drives you insane. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but somebody has to be. Your pets are happier than you are. (Laughter) (Applause) So kitty cat, meow, happy happy happy, human beings, screwed. (Laughter) Completely and utterly -- so, screwed.
 
But my point is, if we don't talk about this stuff, and we don't learn how to deal with our lives, it's not going to be one in four. It's going to be four in four who are really, really going to get ill in the upstairs department. And while we're at it, can we please stop the stigma? Thank you. (Applause) (Applause) Thank you.

I am a nothing

Everything I think is invalid
Everything I say is invalid
Everything I do is invalid

I AM INVALID

I AM A NOTHING

I am a nobody

What's your diagnonsense?

What's the point in giving a diagnosis if 'they' still choose not to help...

a perpetual broken ankle...well, more than 3 years seems perpetual when i crawl now...and don't go out anymore..

assessment after assessment and the eventual decision that i have Borderline Personality Disorder..yet you still don't answer my calls...or return them...or help when i cry out for it...

shame...

you seem to only start to learn lessons upon inquests after people jump under trains or out of windows or tie up ropes...

fuck you all

11 Tips for Cooling off After a Confrontation

       from the BeliefNet website
 

We all try to keep our cool and stop anger and hostility from infiltrating our sense of inner peace, but sometimes—whether we rashly lose our tempers or are provoked into a righteous confrontation—we find ourselves in an argument. During the fight, our endorphins pump, our faces flush, our hands might shake, and our hearts pound.

But what about afterwards? How can we harness our endorphins, faces, hands, and hearts and re-assemble that inner peace that was shattered when the argument reared its ugly head? 

We asked you, Beliefnet’s readers, for your best tips, and combined them with some ideas from experts. So take a deep breath and click on for 11 quick ways to calm down after an argument. 

1.  Take a Recovery Walk

I take a walk. While I am walking, I think about the situation and what just happened. After we both are calm I recoup myself and talk to him ask: was that even worth it to argue? Did it really need to go that far? And what was the whole argument about again? Then we talk, laugh it off, and become one piece again.
–Veronika Neou via Facebook

2.  Tear up Paper

The simple activity of shredding up paper with both hands can keep you distracted and help relieve those fleeting thoughts of anger.
– Sabah Karimi via Associated Content

3. Take It Out on the Couch

I have this big orange plastic bat, and I beat the couch until I am laughing. I just moved, think I need to find it again….
–Linda Ledford via Facebook

4.  Burn Vanilla or Lavender Candles

Vanilla scents are calming and soothing, while lavender also encourages sleep. Taking a whiff of these powerful scents can help you de-stress and remove yourself from the tension just long enough to simmer down.
– Sabah Karimi via Associated Content

5.  Only Tell the Story a Few Times

After a recent argument, I vented about what happened to my sister. Then my mother. Then my mother-in-law. Then some friends. Then (again) to my husband. I think that was a mistake--not a mistake to share the story, but a mistake to repeat it again and again. All that did was get me worked up and indignant all over again. Instead, tell the story to a very inner circle, and to others who know you had an argument, either have a one-sentence summary or just ask them to support you in calming down.
– Holly Rossi via Fresh Living

6.  Shake Your Shoulders

Most of us collect tension in the areas in the back of the neck, shoulders, and upper body. Next time you're having a tense moment, notice how your shoulders may be hunched in and how the muscles are contracting. Shaking your shoulders will give you a much-needed posture adjustment, helping you breathe naturally and calming you down.
– Sabah Karimi via Associated Content

7.  Let It Out…And Move On

I remind myself: Hiss, spit, and get over it.
–Karen Cloutier via Facebook

8.  Respect Different Opinions

I find that it is hard sometimes for people to realize that an argument is an expression of difference of opinion, and we all are entitled to our own opinion. That doesn't mean that either of us is wrong, just different. I try to remind myself of this: it is not always what you say, but how you say it, so I try to say it with God’s guidance and a pure heart. That helps me to remain calm during and after an argument.
–Wilma Burgess via Facebook

9.  Breathe It Out

I count to ten, then twenty, and if I'm still not calm, I have to literally run until I'm out of breath.
–Antonia Wahsise via Facebook

10.  Choose Your Battles Carefully

First, realize when you simply can't change a thing...then pick the battles that are important to you...that's it! People can be difficult, even yourself...so stop it early!
–Patricia Montgomery via Facebook

11.  Heal Thyself

I do Reiki, put my hands over my heart, and can't possibly stay angry that way.
–Sara A. Mann via Facebook

BPD and Crisis

 © A.J. Mahari, October 21, 2001

Borderlines are not unfamiliar with what feels like crisis after crisis to them. What they need to recognize is that you cannot heal without learning to make new choices when you come these inevitable crisis points. Healing from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder means learning to endure and work through each crisis. 
 

What is a crisis?

Often many people with BPD (or not) think that having what feels like more feelings than you can hold is a crisis. They often also think that changes in distance between themselves and others (we all flow in and out, closer and more distant as there is an ebb and flow to relationships) is a crisis as well. Anything that seeks to separate the borderline from cognitive-distorted beliefs and the accompanying feelings is often experienced as a crisis.

Most see being in crisis as a negative thing, an undesirable painful 'out of control thing'. While there are times when a crisis brings forth danger, trouble and or the threat of unpleasant consequences more often than not a crisis is a chance to make needed change. It is a turning point.

What we often identify as a crisis is actually a turning point of opportunity presenting itself in the course of whatever we are dealing with. While it can be a painful attack of a disorder, or a painful living example of coping skills that one may lack, or an insight about oneself that brings with it a lion-share of grief, each turning point is an opportunity to learn, grow, recover and to heal. Every time you let one of these opportunities pass you, you are making an active choice to continue to suffer.

What is a BPD crisis?

In Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) even just feeling something can constitute a perceived (or real) crisis of some sort. If one has been dissociated from feelings for a long time those feelings are then perceived as being more outside of oneself than a part of oneself. This can be very frightening and overwhelming. Not being able to sit with, hold, work through and come to an un-distorted [sic] place with the thoughts that drive those feelings (often) leads a borderline to believe and to feel he/she is in a crisis.

At the heart of each and every borderline crisis is the pain of the Core Wound of Abandonment.

The challenge here is to learn that the presentation of a lot of emotion does not have to be so overpowering. Whether it is overwhelming or not, however, you can learn ways to cope with it so that you do not end up feeling and or being in crisis each time your feelings rise up. It is the processing, understanding, and integrating of these very feelings that feel so threatening that is the way to find your true self and to recover.

Borderlines often are dependant upon others to mirror to them who they are and what they need and should do, feel and say. Often borderlines find themselves in crisis when they somehow threaten the security of the connection to the people that they feel they need in their lives to be safe and okay. Yet, just as often, borderlines feel compelled to break these connections out of some maladaptive protective attempts or the simple reality of the very complex need to sabotage these connections in order to re-play out past experiences, usually of abandonment.

There is a co-dependant neediness, often, that sees many borderlines manipulating to meet their own needs through others. This is ripe territory for an inevitable crisis, not to mention a very valuable one. If you can hold your frustration, anger, abandonment etc. long enough to endure the loss of any relationship in your life (and borderlines usually lose quite a few over time) and learn to meet your needs and soothe yourself then you can begin to turn your life around from being needy to being much more healthy. This is an example of how a crisis can be a very worthwhile challenge that can result in much positive growth and change.

A well-managed crisis can also bring about a rather sudden insight that can lead to just as sudden a recovery over time. When things change quickly as they often do with new insight into oneself it can absolutely feel like a crisis of sorts. So much new information and often some of it that leaves a person with a lot of grief can feel just as devastating and difficult as a crisis of negative and isolating or disconnecting proportions.

What a crisis actually is (more often than not)

Many a crisis is, in actuality, a shifting and separating from old beliefs, old patterns of thought and behaviour, pain that was clung to and in fact kept you stuck with it often alienating you from those around you, illusions, delusions, and maladaptive [sic] coping skills that no longer work but only serve to make things more painful in the long run. Simply put many a perceived crisis is actually learning, discernment, growth, change, risk, new feelings to hold and work through as one begins to break free of old lifetime scripts or patterned ways of thinking, feeling, and acting.

Borderlines must experience some crisis in order to heal and to recover. It is not so much the crisis or the fear, anxiety or pain that are the biggest challenge. The biggest challenge is how you choose to deal or cope with all of these feelings, insights and changes.

In the truest meaning of a crisis - a turning point - each borderline must realize the value of the lostness [sic] of all of the pain and grief and let that teach him/her how to make new choices. For if you continue to make the same choices, you will not only continue to go through the same crisis over and over again, but you will inevitably get the same results - the same negative, overwhelming, annihilating borderline thoughts and feelings that lead you to act in ways that only perpetuate the very crises you seek relief from in your life.