CRPS and my mental state have me on the edge

Folks I am so so sorry if this comes across as negative but I've been trapped in my flat for 23 days now. I was officially given a CRPS diagnosis in 2010 -and have a fair few other conditions-1 of which last required hospitalisation last year -the ONLY TIME in more than a decade where I met a doctor who somewhat understood CRPS and gave me a different/extra pain med.) My GP seems to think I'm pretending <I have BPD -borderline personality disorder- and my psychiatrist seems to think they aren't withholding meds but that my BPD just makes me think that they are> I have been FLAT OUT LAUGHED AT by a GP (sadly, this has happened more than once) I don't like calling or bothering people -I don't post on my Facebook anymore because I don't want to bring others down...

You understand, I'm sure, that nobody would pretend to be sore and speak to nobody for more than 3 weeks. This is the worst it has been since I can remember-which I sort of can't today, my brain has melted.

I don't know what to do anymore 

Too sore today

I have had CRPS symptoms since I was young and then in Jan 2010 I sledged into a tree, I was formally diagnosed with CRPS in the aftermath. (Doctors in hospital had also spoken about "musculoskeletal" pain/problems/ disorders... Do these things go hand in hand?!)

I also have CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome)/ more commonly known as M.E.

I have been told I am on the maximum painkillers and nerve medications I can be... I spend so many days staring at walls (today is one of them).

Doctors have washed their hands of me.

I no longer call the GP. The impact this isolation is having on my mental health is horrendous. 

Today, the wall is full of monsters. I wish they were real and would just put me out of this pain-filled day. 

People are shouting and swearing outside, come night it turns to fights. Often they are serious and I know of at least a handful of incidents treated as attempted murder, right outside my window. Less than a year since a -sadly, very sadly- 'successful' murder. (Not that I can see outside my window anymore... I just lie here in my body's daft joke with me telling my brain that I am wrapped in flames).

I freakishly wish those who would like to take the life of someone else would just open my door.

Mother of a Monster

i shook her hand on Sunday. 

i said "peace be with you".

i even addressed her by name when saying it.

i looked her in the eye when shaking her hand.

My mum warned me immediately after she was told the rota had been changed. 

i told my mum that it was fine, that that woman didn't do anything;

that i, in fact, felt kind of sorry for her for knowing that her son was a monster...

But i am not okay now;

It is tearing me apart.

Circumventing the fact that I'm done

What can I do?

I just want to forget...

well, not forget, just not not care or I guess I just want to, I'd say "be normal" but that doesn't exist.

I'm sick of being checked out.

I'm sick of being a burden.

Pain condition complex medical diagnonsenses YET MY UNDOING IS FROM MY OWN HEAD

I suffer* from a few medical conditions and the greatest hit is my mental health -they are all true but I am close to several people telling me they are not and I am very much struggling to keep my head above the parapet.

*even using the word suffer makes me cringe...ok I can't walk unaided and I'm sore and I don't have a day without pain...but there are people in this world with NOTHING. People starving to death. People so mistreated I could never properly contemplate it. People abandoned LITERALLY at the side of a road, left to die because they have become too difficult for that family to care for...

 

Thirty three Thoughts

Thirty three thoughts flood my brain, head and mind,

A tear streams from my eye and I wipe it away,

What part of "no!" do you not understand?

Just sit beside me and hold my hand.

Don't talk about my like I'm not in the room,

Inside I am broken, dreadful thoughts loom.

Hanging on to a ledge by the tips of my fingers,

The world crushes many and that thought always lingers,

Complete strangers to me, our paths have never crossed,

A glimpse of a headline; from my heart they're never lost.

Physics and suicide *pos T*

If all things fall at the same rate and what not, it wouldn't matter how fat i am or how many more floors up i were...

But it does and it will and it would and it's still horrific for too many others - why can't it just be me who gets killed by a maniac and not some nice, innocent, useful, helpful person?