Still here

meh... Couldn't leave someone to find a body -that's just...

i hate me.

So i hurt me instead....seemed lesser of 2 evils....

But then, i still live -that's the greater evil isn't it?

Angel

i won't get to be one.
Wish it had been meningitis or sepsis last month.
That was my only hope.

Mea Culpa-as always ... Never lend money

Nobody can help -my sister now has four babies and I owe her £50, I owe my cousin £70...and -£600. I messaged the person whom I leant lots of money too...but she hasn't anything.

I messaged my friend (well I don't think she is my friend anymore since she got her new fella and finished learning to drive and, well, she has lots of good people building her up...doesn't need me tearing her down) but i text to ask if she'll take care of my cat. He has some food and is a good boy really. He shouldn't be too much of a burden. Someone will take care of him. Someone nice. Even if she can't.

Maybe my friends Sam and David could. I can't message anyone now thogh. The police will come.

Complete meltdown-again...

I really can't go out...it's beyond what it was... I've managed 2 physio appts and some of my psychiatry ones since my gran passed away...
But this week??... I have weight Managment AND physio AND benefits firm thing to fill in with a stranger who is coming to my flat AND I'm giving a talk on how wheelchair rugby has impacted my life for the better...IN THE FECKING EMIRATES STADIUM ON WED!!!! (There will be an unknown number in attendance-they're just saying that so I don't freak out...) but I am no longer doing ok...once I get to rugby i am...eventually...and I can vent in a better way than hurting me... And in a socially acceptable way...

But, I just feel like I'll be the biggest liar out!!!



***


I have, sadly, returned to hurting myself ...



***


I have been really rubbish since my gran passing away...pretty much cut myself off from everyone -(including myself); I didn't do it intentionally...

Outside is... Expensive?

Get out to do what though...fall over and cause scenes everywhere?...I just... My head is sooooo beyond fixing I think


I keep needing to sit and am such a snappy bitch to be round...my pain management meds were changed and THE DOCTOR DIDN'T TELL me?!!! The actual fk?!

I'd tried to put up with it thinking I was being a wimp and what not and when we discovered that (only after a bad fall when I couldn't move my arms or neck properly and A&E said "no you're not on that med"...
Mum wanted to go to GP, sis promised she would...just like she said we'd go swimming once a month 5 years ago...we've been twice...

I keep wetting myself and can't be bothered fighting anymore -according to different folks this isn't anything to worry about...

Yeah sitting in towels on the floor or couch or wherever is fine -it happened in a cafe with my sister once... I made my excuses, left and didn't go outside for over a week -and I'm still weary of delivery drivers or using that service for food incase they stick in 'alternatives' etc...

I give up fighting

I'm too much work for anybody I know that

Just "going with the flow" whatever happens does or doesn't...

I'm not bothered ; but I must be or I wouldn't type this...hmmm...

Hidden Mental Illness IT'S A REAL ILLNESS!

***from huffington post blog...incase they move or remove it***

"Would We Be 'Blaming' Cancer for the Deaths of Those People Who Perished in the Alps?

Alastair Campbell 

Posted: 29/03/15 21:06 Updated: 29/03/15 21:59

If pilot Andreas Lubitz was so profoundly depressed that he could not function normally then clearly he should not have been flying. If he had been in the throes of a psychotic meltdown - and the signs would have been fairly evident before he entered the cabin - then likewise he should have been nowhere near the controls of a busy commercial aeroplane. If, if, if ...

But, but, but... We don't know. And certainly the editors who casually threw up headlines about a madman in a cockpit, or asked in huge print 'why was he allowed to fly?' don't know. All they knew - based on evidence found by the police in his flat and briefed to the media - was that there were torn up sick notes there and that he had been ill in 2009. They thought they knew that the illness was depression yet I have seen German media and the BBC reporting denials of this from official and credible sources.

So the long and the short is... We don't know. The papers didn't know. But they chose to decide the truth without knowledge.

Now it may be that it turns out he was a depressive and those same papers will say 'ah, we told you so, we were right to run the headlines we ran.' To which the answer is 'no you weren't.'

If he had just been told he had cancer, and a note to that effect had been found, would we be 'blaming' cancer for the deaths of those poor people who perished in the Alps?

Because it is bad enough to run such headlines not knowing them to be true. It is just as bad if it was true that he was being treated for depression. Because what the media coverage does is say not that the awful murderous act was committed by a human being, but by an illness. If he had just been told he had cancer, and a note to that effect had been found, would we be 'blaming' cancer for the deaths of those poor people who perished in the Alps? Or, more likely, might we be headlining on the sad cancer secret of German pilot? If he was an asthmatic who was suddenly - his co-pilot having taken a break or gone to the lavatory - overcome by an uncontrollable asthma attack which had him writhing on the ground, would we have called him a madman or an asthmatic? 

What he did was clearly wrong, unpardonable and his medical history is clearly relevant to his actions. But it is also wrong for anyone to leap to conclusions, particularly if those conclusions help to reinforce a stigma and a taboo that makes it harder not easier to live with an illness that is commonplace but hugely misunderstood, not least - deliberately because they love to peddle fear - by the media.

I know depressives who are doctors. I know depressives who are dentists. They take medication. They have therapy. They might have been ill once or twice before but now they might be fine. Are we seriously saying - and this is the 'insight' behind those headlines - that this makes them unfit to operate on children, have access to lethal medicines, sharp objects that could kill? Let me tell you this - and throw in another media prejudice while I am at it - we would not have an NHS without immigrants and we would not have an NHS without depressives.

I know teachers who are depressives. If one teacher committed one act of crime in a classroom would we run headlines saying 'why was he allowed to teach?' when it emerged he had been having 'psychological support' for depression? I fear, alas, that with some papers we would.

This is reporting that belongs in the dark ages along with witchcraft. If Lubitz was struggling with a mental health problem he has that in common with millions of us. Soldiers, lawyers and judges, train drivers, engineers, painters and decorators, police officers, bankers, dare I suggest even newspaper editors.

I had a psychotic meltdown in 1986. It was a long time in coming. The newspaper I worked for may or may not have spotted signs but it was probably too late. I ended up arrested and in hospital. I was clearly unfit for work.

I have had bouts of depression on and off ever since, including when I was working in some high pressure situations. Only once did I say to a colleague I did not feel up to doing something I was meant to be doing - a briefing - and I asked my deputy to stand in. On many other occasions, as is clear from my dairies, I was depressed but able to do a difficult job well.

Being a spokesperson and strategist is not the same as being a pilot or a brain surgeon or a teacher with a class full of kids. But the principle is the same.

However there is something I had which many depressives don't. A family who understood. A boss who understood. Colleagues who understood. A great doctor. So I was open. I knew I could be and I knew it would not be held against me. I knew I would not have anyone telling me 'pull yourself together,' but instead people who said 'do you think you should have a rest, see your doctor perhaps?'

I don't know anything about Mr Lubitz's health record and I know enough about the media and coverage of mental illness not to believe what I read in the papers now. But I do know lots of people - I meet them virtually every day of my life just going around the place, especially when campaigning for Time to Change - who tell me that the fear of telling their boss, their family or their doctor about being mentally ill is worse than the illness at times.

Why? Because they fear it won't be understood. Because they fear people will change their attitude and approach to them. Because they fear a boss who sees them as strong and competent will suddenly think they are not up to the job. And who instead struggle through, put themselves at risk of becoming more ill, put others at risk because they might be becoming dangerously ill.

It is the stigma and the taboo surrounding mental health that causes it. A lot of that is born of centuries of fear and misunderstanding and prejudice. But a lot of it is caused by a media that is wilfully ignorant, wilfully distorting, takes one tragic story, a tiny piece of 'knowledge' and builds a construct that tars millions with the same brush and sets back the campaign to deliver what is enshrined in our NHS constitution - parity between understanding and treatment of mental and physical health. We are so far from that it is shaming. And our newspapers have taken us back a little further. Which is why the fight has to go on.

Sore 'tummy'

I am writhing in -not agony...I've been worse- but oh my...
I'd rather not share this but I'm trying to distract myself
...things are getting worse...
I've had that horrid pain in my 'stomach' (I say stomach, but I mean the bits of my body I can't talk about...again...almost all day today I've had this...
..had hot water bottle and bean bag thing on tummy and between legs but it wouldn't even lift a little!!!
I wet myself earlier twice today now..this can't be remotely right...but I'll need MAASSIVE HELP to say to doctor. This has been going on too long. That's more than 15 years I've had this...

Oh my goodness I just want to scream...

I've been to gynae (I need put to sleep because of things in the past that make me freak out and LASH OUT when anyone comes near my gynaecological parts)...


They say there's nothing sinister, which -don't get wrong- is great, but there was something in my notes about something being hit quite 'usual' but that there was nothing to worry about...

Oh man... I just RARRGH!

Someone has written on my file that it's PsYčHøsomatic...

So there's no point in saying to GP again... I guess it's just another bullet in the gun they've placed in my hand anyway...

Gran ~MAQ

Gran you were an angel

Sent from God above

You set a good example

if patience, joy and love.

God loved His little angel

Mary was her name

and when He called out to her

He was so pleased she came.

He loves you very much

and He of me did ask

To write into a poem

His love for You to grasp.

Dementia took her slowly

She began to grow down in age

Her memories became a muddle

Her mind a great big maze.

Gran always followed His ways

Gently and quietly too

Setting an example

I wish all the world would do

I love my gran and miss her

She did some wonderous deeds

She let His love shine from her

and answered other's needs.

My memories of time spent with her

And radiating Your love from within

Planting seeds of love in other's

Leaves me with a grin

These seeds can grow when planted

In sunshine and in rain

Simply because when they met my gran

She smiled and spoke Your name

She never did this harshly

She simply lived a simple life

Got up, got dressed, made breakfast

Was a loving friend and wife.

The seeds which she helped scatter

Live on and blossom here

She lives with You in spirit

And to me is always near

Gran was a gorgeous angel

She had no wings to view

But here on earth she did Your will

and earned those wings it's true!