Can't post because I just feel like nothing...

Utterly raging... Haven't felt 'right' for a while and have been fighting myself but have been being successful... JUST GOT A FRIKKIN LETTER through the door for a fine for pulling into a bus lane to use my inhaler...my blood is boiling!!!!!!!
I have ridiculous agoraphobia and paranoia and hadn't been out in quite a while...this has just added fuel to the fire...

Speaking of which I want to now go set the council buildings on fire...insert whole bunch of expletives here...

I had to pull over to find my inhaler...I had to fkn do it then and there and well, bus lanes weren't important -wouldn't I pull into the only FUCKING section with a camera?!!!! ...

... I'm so angry with myself...

...this goes into the bag of stupid reasons not to go out... And reasons to drive into a polis (don't worry, I don't drive when I feel that way...I barely move when I feel that way...Pfft I barely move!!!!!)


AAARGH I'm so fucking angry!!!!!!

I thought it would be better to feel anything than that emptiness the last wee while I've had...but now I want to cut arms...been fighting whilst hollow anyway now I've got even less of an ability to fend those thoughts off!!!!! Aaaaargh!!!!!

Youtube vlog on mental health/just me in general

I've wanted to do one for AAAAGES!!

But then BANG goes my anonymity...
I don't feel I should hide for my sake, but for that of the little ones in the family...

Plus...

I kind of go off on tangents easily...

That said, i still keep coming back to this thought...have done for years now...

Perhaps it's time to stop hiding...

My albino hamster of 3 and a half years has been put to sleep..

Where are you?
My beloved albino hamster hasn't long passed away and I properly cleaned all his stuff...my head and heart are fighting though...it's only been a week...
I hate waste and wouldn't want it to just sit in a cupboard...but...

In an uncontrollable rage

Spent hours waiting on a delivery waste of SAMH time and then got a text and email to say I wasn't in to sign for it and they'd put a card through -eh?! Wtf -called them VOICE OPTIONS EVENTUALLY GOT A BITCH AND I just WENT BERSERK started throwing shit EVERYFICKINGWHERE SAMH WOMAN WAS THE NICE ONE SO I CALMED DOWN A bit more...

I'm now with my 11 year old niece who had 2 hospital appointments and had to miss school today...

I NEVER stay angry round kids...

I've ALWAYS swore by that...

But now?!!!

Now...RIGHT NOW I WANT TO CUT MY ARMS TO BITS and she is sitting right opposite me in a public cafe ... And I don't care...

I am

So so so angry...

I am raging with myself

At these feelings

More

Than i am at the fact that the company messed me about and won't tell me who the delivery is from and then them saying i wasn't in -thus, effectively calling me a

Liar, and THEN saying my postcode doesn't exist...

Wtf? I don't exist?

So to whom did you try to deliver??????aaargh...they won't even say who the delivery is from...

Fuckwitz

I give the fuck up

Swearwords swearwords...blue badge expires tomorrow and they're being pure swearwords...I can't call anyone anymore raaargh

... point in anything...

... I only just got it in September!!!!!!!!!!

They are wrong and now I'm getting a bunch of nonsense about admin fees and I sent the wrong stuff and blah blah blah I DO NOT CARE that the games have slowed then down it whatever I NEED HELP...

Why are they doing this...

Why are all the "powers that be" throwing brick walls in my way and my body doing this half-life thing???!!

Why won't it just give in then nobody needs to be angry or sad or whatever...

Unwell again *sweats and shakes*

This area is doing my head in now...

This flat...

These 4 walls...

This life...

I just can't take it anymore...

Listening to fighting;

Listening to parties til stupid o'clock;

Watching people being stabbed;

Watching people being chased with a variety of weapons;

Hearing fights over nothing;

Hearing the people above me vomiting every morning...not wanting to eat anything because of that...;

Someone constantly showering at FREAKING 3am?!!!!!!;

Having to talk to the police regularly about the incidents that occur here...

Get called up as a witness repeatedly and being told that they won't shield or protect me because I'm "only" a witness?!! I'm a fu€*ing nothing is what I am...

And ridiculously vulnerable (and obvious!) if they don't shield me...so I returned to cutting...thanks guys...fucking ba$tard$...

You don't "tell on" people in my area

...no freaking wonder?!!!!

And the bloody polis I've encountered have been a richt shower!!!

 but tae fick wi' them aw is my mood...

...some sick B*+€# told the 98 year old beside me that she had a parcel she needed to sign for ...

She's on a rollator... 

The B*+€# then shoved her over when she opened the door and stole her bag with a substantial amount of money...

that's why I've been quiet...

I ALWAYS look out the window or peep hole to be aware of surroundings as

I know how vulnerable that wee lady and I am...

I'm torn between being raging with myself at not hearing anything and now being worse with my agoraphobia...

it wasn't even me who was mugged! 

I'm...

Argh I don't know...

...GGRRRR

Is it 'normal' that I'm so impacted upon...is it BPD or am I an idiot or just maybe overly sensitive?

So I can't/shouldn't talk to anybody just now...I'm like a bad domino...

19 July 2014 _my eyes (heterochromia Iridis, coloboma and corectopia)... And my head...swirly brain time...

I was asked if I had ever tried contact lenses to disguise mismatched eyes...my reply?

"Been there, done it (due to being teased relentlessly for as long as I can remember and it took MORE THAN 25 years to start to love my eyes..."

...

I NEVER get questions as an adult...just horrified looks and I can FEEL that I'm being judged -I have mobility issues too...I have crutches (that I rarely use because I'm partially sighted and fall often); a rollator (like a zimmer, but all wheels...it's easiest to use) and a wheelchair...

I'm not doing so well mentally because all if these things lap over each other...if I fall and someone helps me up, they almost so a double take when they see my eyes and I've had ONE person get a fright and let me fall again so they could run away -perhaps they thought I'd done it as I fell and thought they'd get into trouble???...

It has now left me in a pretty erratic mental state -I have very profound agoraphobia...I rarely go out anymore -not even to the bin chute and it's on my floor, only through two doors...but I'm pretty much a basket case on a great many days...

...

Today is NOT one of those days...since I'm able to explain it...but this "good" day has been spent on my back trying to breathe (I have pretty complicated asthma too!)...it very much seems as though the 'helpers' in my country (Scotland) do not want me to get any help...they say I must choose one of my health problems to get help with...they don't seems to care that all impact on the rest if me and that I AM A PERSON NOT A NUMBER OR STATISTIC!!!

They are

Serving only to feed my mental ill health...it seems so silly and almost unbelievable!!!!