“I Hate Myself and I Want to Die”- Self Stigma

"Dec 30

Posted by prideinmadness

The societal stigma exerpeienced by those with mental health issues is painful but nothing is more painful than internalizing that stigma and believing you are in fact the negative things society says you are. You discriminate against yourself.

When you believe you are crazy, stupid, inadequate blah blah blah then what else do you really have? People come and go which is why you need to be able to find it within yourself to keep going.
The best way for me to show you what self stigma is, is through excerpts from my journals I wrote as a teenager which are rampant with stigma that I internalized.
“I’m fucked up.”
“I don’t want to quit [cutting] anymore. I can’t do it!…I’m totally insane! I’m going to tell my counsellor that I think I belong in a mental hospital…I’m sick…I’m a sad little whore.”
“FREAK”
“I’m just fucking stupid and fucked in the head!”
“I hate how I go crazy like that.”
“…this demon creature inside of me.”
“Sick little bitch”
“Just a sick little mind is what I have.”
“I’m not even Kristen right now, I’m someone else, I’m a monster.”
“If I was [my boyfriend] I would leave me.”
“I never thought of myself as selfish, but I guess I am.”
“Just a hopeless girl living in a hopeless world she put too much hope in.”
“I’m a shitty person, a shitty girlfriend, NO ONE CAN FUCKING LOVE ME!”
One of my journals is covered in words: Fake, Insane, Worthless, Ugly, Broken, Twised, Failure, Mental, Sick, Unwanted, Unloved and more.
You can see how believing these horrible things about youself can make recovering from a mental illness or a difficult experience near impossible. It’s this stigma that will lead to suicidal thoughts, attempts and unfortunately successful deaths.
When we help others build the strength to be confident in themselves and toss aside these destructive labels and beliefs then recovery can begin. When you believe in yourself then you’ll want to recover and it’s only through wanting recovery that it can actually happen.
Remember this isnt an individual problem. Soceity plays the biggest role in creating and keeping mental illness stigma alive. Stigma is damaging. People can’t go through life encountering barrier after barrier and not let it get to them. Do not think that when you call someone “crazy” or say things like, “mentally ill people scare me” that you are not hurting someone. You are. You are telling people to hate themselves and then we become sad when individuals, especially youth, commit suicide.
We can stop this. We need to do it together."

~(http://prideinmadness.wordpress.com/2011/12/30/i-hate-myself-and-i-want-to-die-self-stigma/, accessed on 2 March 2014)

Self harm distractions and tips

"Self Harm: Distractions and Coping Tips

December 4, 2007 by Addy

Following on from my brief list about ways to distract yourself from self-injuring, here are some more ideas of things you can try:

1. An Emergency Box
This is an awesome idea I came across whilst browsing the net one day…and no, it’s not another name for a first aid kit! It’s a box you can whip out in an emergency chock full of happy, fun and exciting things which you can look at to distract yourself from all those self harm urges.
Get yourself a shoe box, gift box, cardboard box, cereal box and cram it full of:

1. Photos of family, loved ones, friends, pets…etc…
2. Crossword Puzzles, word searches, suduko puzzles…
3. CDs of relaxing music…
4. A small journal with pens, colouring pencils and crayons…
5. Letters from family, loved ones, friends, pets…etc…
6. A list of reasons not to self harm…
7. Pictures and magazine clippings you like…
8. Chocolate :p

Basically anything which, upon ripping open that box will make you smile and laugh and feel all gooey inside enough to eradicate those evil self-harm ideas from your head. You see once you’ve got that box in place you can then let others know about it, friends and family who are helping you cope, then this way they can…

1. Hide letters in there which you don’t know about…
2. Secreat little presents in there…
3. Fill it with your favourite candy or sweets…

So then whenever you feel like self harming you can actually end up feeling pretty good instead.

2. Join an online forum or support groupThere are numerous online forums out there who offer online support for people at times of crisis: DepressioNet and Psyke.Org are two examples. There are more examples in the links list on the right hand side of the page, or if you are a Facebook fiend, check out this list of groups you can join.
These groups and forums are full of people who have been in exactly the same situation as you so they can help and support you no matter what sort of mood you’re in.

3. Go to the Psyke forum and read the post “The Vagina Game”It’ll make you laugh your ass off and dispel any thought of self harm – then see if you can come up with any of your own.

 4. [HAD TO DELETE AS I FOUND THIS ONE TRIGGERING!!!]addictive it may be, I’m not endorsing this one :p)
5. Dance!

6. Addict yourself to the iThink application.
It’s on Facebook, so you’ll need an account there. Share your opinions and go crazy with comments, it’s bloody addictive. Then add me as a friend and see how similar our opinions are!

7. Pick up the phone and phone a friend!

8. Do a survey!Here are some ones to start you off.
Distraction Survey #1: Random Fun
Distraction Survey #2: 119 Things About Me
Distraction Survey #3: 50 Random Questions
Distraction Survey #4: More Random Fun

9. Draw on yourself!
Grab some felt tips, pens, magic markers and go crazy by drawing all sorts of funky awesome piccies on your body. Got a boyfriend or girlfriend, strip ‘em and draw on them! Get them to drw [sic] on you! Drawing on yourself or consensual drawing with a partner is so much better than SI.

10. Write a list of things that might help curb those SI tendencies……and then post it as a highly enlightening blog post in the hope to inspire other people :p"

~(http://myjourneywithdepression.wordpress.com/2007/12/04/self-harm-distractions-and-coping-tips/?relatedposts_exclude=13243, accessed on 2 March 2014)

Self harm safety box

"How to create a self-harm safety box…

February 2, 2014 by Addy

Once upon a time, when I was much a much younger (and sexier) man than I am today, I used to own a box. On a purely aesthetic level, there was nothing special about this box. It was just a run-of-the-mill shoebox decorated with Doctor Who stickers, newspaper cuttings and images of the great Australian actress, Toni Pearen.
What was special about this box was on the inside, for I’d filled it with colouring pencils, rubber bands, bath salts, candy, a mini-colouring book, a couple of novels, a DVD and some (slightly more) risqué images of the great Australian actress, Toni Pearen.
For this box was my safety box; a box I could turn to when my self-harm urges grew so intense that I needed some serious distraction to stop me from injuring myself.
Over the years I owned this box I lost track of how many times it prevented me from doing something stupid, how many times I cried over its contents or how many people I lied to about its true purpose. But, as with most things, time stole this box from me and ever since it was taken from my life, I’ve missed it on more occasions than I can count.
Of all the tricks I used to dissuade me from self-harm, this box was the most successful.
Because it was mine.
And I loved it.
Recently, courtesy of a self-harm support group, I’ve created a new safety box for me to turn to. A box I have once again filled with fun little items and distracting shenanigans to quell any self-harm urges that may occur. So today, as well as sharing my box with you all, I’m going to tell you how you can make your very own safety box.

How to make your very own self-harm* safety box

The external of my new safety box (the Disney Princess contact was chosen by Meadhbh, as she has promised to play with me should I ever feel the need to open the box!) :)

1. All you need to start is a box. It can be an old shoebox, a gift box from your local giftware store or even a discarded cereal box. As long as it has four walls, a base and a lid, you’re good to go!
2. Once you’ve got your box, the next step is to personalise it. For this you can cover it with contact, decorate it with funky wrapping paper or even paint it. Let your creativity soar…this is your box after all!
3. The third step is to fill the box with items that will help you regain control during periods of emotional distress. Think things that make you happy. Think things that are tactile. Think things that trigger your senses. Think things that cannot do you harm. This is your box, so whatever you decide to put in it will be personal to you, but here are a few ideas to get you started:
   •  Arts and crafts: colouring pencils, finger paint, plasticine, paper, water colours, brushes.
   •  Brainteasers and puzzles: a small jigsaw puzzle, word-searches, Sudoku.
   •  Fun and games:  small toys, cuddly toys, travel board games, a pack of cards.
   • Odds and ends: books, DVDs, luxurious bath products, essential oils, meaningful photos, candy.
4. Once you’ve filled your box with all manner of exciting and smile-inducing items, simply store the box in a special, easy-to-remember place so that when things get rough you’ll know exactly where to find it!

Once your box has been completed and placed in special place, all you need to do is remember to use it should you ever become triggered and/or feel the urge to self-harm. When you come to use your box, make sure that you are in a private and safe place within your house (perhaps on your bed) and that the box and its contents are the only thing you have to hand…then just enjoy yourself! Go to town with colouring in, make cute monsters out of your play-dough or draw epic artworks upon the canvas of your body with a chunky red pen.
Remember, creating a self-harm safety box isn’t just about distracting you from the demons of self-harm, it’s about celebrating the awesomeness (and uniqueness) of you. Have fun with it, play with it, enjoy it and be good to yourself.

The contents of my self-harm safety box!

* It should be noted that you don’t have to be a self-harmer to create a safety box. Anyone can have a safety box to turn to in times of emotional distress, whether that distress be mental health related or simply the pains of day-to-day life!"

~(http://myjourneywithdepression.wordpress.com/2014/02/02/how-to-create-a-self-harm-safety-box/#comment-11279, accessed on 2 March 2014)

NEEDED TO COPY AND PASTE IT INCASE IT VANISHES -OR I CAN'T FIND IT AGAIN...

feeling unwell in every way i can

had the flu -the proper flu...where i spent 5 days in hospital...

i was -and still am- floored...i couldn't even lift my head off my pillow some days

my fingers felt heavy, my wrists like lead and my elbows and knees and ankles like stone...


i got a letter from my therapist to say she'll definitely be off for the foreseeable...

haven't set eyes on her since March?May?...anyway...court looms...some sort of thing called an "intermediate diet" in Jan...then court on 14 Feb...

fuck this shit...last Christmas I think...

get better at moving...pack stuff up -less rubbish for folk to deal with...

I really have the overwhelming urge to slit my wrists but that is soooo ridiculously messy for some poor soul -and everything would be ruined

at least a hanging only leaves some poor soul to find me but much less mess...and things can go to someone else...

inability to speak today...

not even to call the GP -and i've only got one reliever inhaler left..

...

getting so frustrated with myself.

...

Been There
Feel Again
© Jeff Bresee
Much time I now spend, watching
Watching as others pass by, living
Living their lives
I watch not for care of wanting to know them
Or even so as to learn from what they do and say
I simply watch…and wonder
Wondering why. Why do I feel this way
Wondering how. How have I come to this point
Wondering when. When can I ever hope to feel again
As I watch, I remember
Remember what it was like…
To feel as they feel
To laugh as they laugh
To cry as they cry
To hope as they hope
To hurt as they hurt
To love, to hate, to long, to fear, to yearn…to rejoice…to live
But such is all that I have…memories
Memories which flow before my mind’s eye
Even as the people flow before my gaze
And I, I sit quietly in the shadow…
And wonder

***

i feel as stuck as ever since first breaking my ankle nearly 4 years ago...my heart is breaking for the folk in the Philippines and yet i'm just as selfish as ever moaning in my own head over and over about 'being stuck'...at least i'm alive -i should be grateful for that, plus i live in a country where i can get financial help whilst unable  to work at the moment....but nooooooooooo...


***


I feel smashed and hammered reading that poem...in a weirdly 'good' (not good) way...in that, I can relate and not feel so...alien...
I...Went to the bin chute -only the one in the landing ...through 4 doors (I'm including my living room and front door...because my heart rate had increased before if even gone through them)...that was about 3 hours ago...I'm now agitated beyond my ability to explain...I hate that that was so big an effort I had beads of sweat everywhere...I hate me right now...

Here are the Different Types of Borderline Personality Disorder:

• Low Functioning Borderline - The “Low Functioning” borderline is what most people think of when they are first introduced to the condition. Low functioning BPDs are a living train wreck. They have intense difficulties taking care of their basic needs, are constantly experiencing mood swings. They also have an extremely hard time managing any sort of relationship with another human being. Low Functioning BPDs are often hospitalized more than other BPD types, for the very reason that they can’t live productively without constant coaching and supervision. These patients are challenging for all but the most experienced psychiatrists. Unless otherwise treated, low functioning borderlines lead self destructive lives and attempt to manipulate those around them with desperate acts, including self harm (cutting, etc.).
• High Functioning Borderline - The High Functioning Borderline Personality shares many core aspects of the low functioning borderline personality, except for the fact that they can manage their lives, appear to be productive, and generally keep their relationships civil (even diplomatic in nature). High Functioning borderlines can appear to be normal, driven people one moment; then moody, inconsolable, and manipulative the next. Somehow, there is a mechanism within the minds of High Functioning Borderlines that allows them to lead somewhat “competent” lives, despite the fact that they are in a constant battle with BPD. High functioning BPDs are no better than low functioning: it’s basically the same face wearing a different mask.
• Extroverted Borderline - Anyone familiar with the Meyer-Briggs personality tests will understand the psychological differences between extroversion and introversion. When these characteristics are mixed with BPD, there are two different results. The Extroverted Borderline pushes all their feelings, fears, manipulation, rage, and moodiness outward to the people around them. In essence, if you are around an extroverted BPD, you feel like you’re living through their emotions while coping with your own at the same time. Further, extroverted BPDs will attempt self abusive acts in plain view of others in order to avoid abandonment or to express their rage. For example, an Extroverted BPD might cut themselves and then immediately share it with family and friends around them, hoping to gain sympathy or attention. In most cases, these types of behaviors frighten non-Borderlines, and they wonder whether or not the Extroverted BPD should be committed to a psych ward.
• Introverted Borderline - Contrary to popular belief, “introverted” doesn’t necessarily describe someone who is a recluse (agoraphobic). Instead, introversion is characterized by experiencing life in a self-reflective, private, and at times distant manner. To others, introverts may appear shy or lacking in people skills. This might be true, however, introverts make up for their lack of social skills with rich inner lives, thoughts, and deep thinking. As a result, the introverted Borderline primarily focuses all their BPD emotions and reactions inward. Instead of having a rage episode in public, they might retreat to their rooms and cry for hours on end, perhaps even cutting themselves for their own amusement or as stress relief. Introverted Borderlines live in an odd world: on one hand, they spend most of their time in personal thought and reflection, looking to fill themselves with a viable sense of self; but on the other, they are conflicted by emptiness and the bottomless emotional pit that BPD produces. Introverted BPDs might be harder to “spot” unless you happen to know one personally, in which case you might notice occasional depressive symptoms and evidence of self harm.
• Transparent Borderline - The Transparent Borderline is a bit of a mix between a high functioning borderline and either extroverted or introverted tendencies. In plain terms, Transparent Borderlines live double lives: on the surface, “in public”, they appear one way, but in private, amongst immediate family and friends, they appear completely different. As a result, they may or may not be high functioning due to this conflicted state of mind. Transparent Borderlines spend most of their emotional energy trying to balance the personality demands of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, the both of which experience strong BPD emotions like anyone else with the disease. Like Introverted Borderlines, Transparent Borderlines are harder to spot, and often only confess their true disposition after a harrowing rage, major break up, or other severely traumatic event that brings all their BPD feelings to the fore.

(http://shitborderlinesdo.tumblr.com/post/42929897175/someone-asked-if-there-are-different-levels-of-bpd)

...

**Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others. These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships. The causes of borderline personality disorder (BPD) are unknown. Genetic, family, and social factors are thought to play roles. Risk factors for BPD include: Abandonment in childhood or adolescence, Disrupted family life, Poor communication in the family, and Sexual abuse. People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly. People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships. Some other symptoms include: A fear of being abandoned, feelings of emptiness or boredom, frequent displays of inappropriate anger, impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, binge eating, intolerance of being alone, repeated crises and acts of self-injury. Like other personality disorders, BPD is diagnosed based on a psychological evaluation and the history and severity of the symptoms. Many types of individual talk therapy, such as dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), can successfully treat BPD. In addition, group therapy can help change self-destructive behaviors. In some cases, medications can help level mood swings and treat depression or other disorders that may occur with this condition. The outlook depends on how severe the condition is and whether the person is willing to accept help. With long-term talk therapy, the person will often gradually improve. Some complications include: depression, drug abuse, suicide threats and attempts, and problems with work, family, and social relationships. Call your health care provider if you feel you have symptoms of borderline personality disorder. It is especially important to seek help right away if you or someone else is having thoughts of suicide.**

Birthday rearing it's ugly head again...

i have ONLY posted replies to things in a closed support group for folk with BPD as of late
...and i have put up a couple of silly pics to get us smiling
...but they've really been to try to get ME TO smile
...i feel like i'm dead inside just now -just an empty shell
...like an Easter Egg that isn't Cadbury or Galaxy or any nice-tasting thing
...i feel down...really down...the kind where words fail me...i...i kind of don't feel real at the same time...i have nobody to talk to to explain these things that will understand and not be upset/worried/offended 
...but i've held back from sharing in the group for fear of triggering or offending or worrying folk THERE
...you know what i'm saying when i say "i feel really really low"
...but for those of us WITH BPD we know it's not a, err, aaargh... i don't even know how to word anything... i don't want reported to facebook if i say flat out what's in my head...

or to have the police show up and take me away if i do the same on the phone to breathing space or the Samaritans...

tomorrow is my birthday -the day that will be a day folk get angry with me when i'm gone because it's by my own hand...so it's the day...it HAS to be...

i feel sick to the pit of my stomach -i have NO IDEA where i hid my rope from myself...

i'm both glad and angry with myself for that...