why i think we should all live under rocks

1. you wouldn't know of the atrocities occurring in the world.

2. "Living in an urban environment during childhood or as an adult has consistently been found to increase the risk of schizophrenia by a factor of two" (Lancet. 2009;374(9690):635–45)

rant about lack of help from 'professionals'

there's too much to fix and it's all become one giant ball and nobody seems to know where either end is to even being to unravel it

none of the 'services' that exist do what they say they will.

they don't help.

they won't help.

they say they can't help me -that I have to want to 'get better'...if i didn't i wouldn't be here.

morons.

they don't give a fuck

they all want me to just not be here

it would save everyone

time

effort

money

worry

The Epilogue from Les Misérables -AND ALL I HEAR...

Valjean:
Now you are here
Again beside me
Now I can die in peace
For now my life is blest

Cosette:
You will live,
Papa you're going to live!
It's too soon, too soon to say goodbye

Valjean:
Yes Cosette, forbid me now to die
I'll obey, I will try
On this page, I write my last confession
Read it well, when I at last am sleeping
It's a story of those who always loved you
Your mother gave her life for you
then gave you to my keeping

Fantine:
Come with me
Where chains will never bind you
All your grief at last at last behind you
Lord in heaven, look down on him in mercy!

Valjean:
Forgive me all my trespasses
and take me to your glory

Eponine & Fantine:
Take my hand, I'll lead you to salvation
Take my love, for love is everlasting
And remember the truth that once was spoken
(Valjean joins)
To love another person is to see the face of God!

Chrous:
Do you hear the people sing?
Lost in the valley of the night
It is the music of a people who are climbing to the light
For the wretched of the earth there is a flame that never dies
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.
They will live again in freedom in the garden of the Lord
They will walk behind the ploughshare, the will put away the sword.
The chain will be broken and all men will have their reward!
Will you join in our crusade? Who will be strong and stand with me?
Somewhere beyond the barricade is there a world you long to see?
Do you hear the people sing? Say do you hear the distant drums
It is the future that they bring when tomorrow comes
Will you join in our crusade? Who will be strong and stand with me?
Somewhere beyond the barricade is there a world you long to see?
Do you hear the people sing? Say do you hear the distant drums?
It is the future that they bring when tomorrow comes!
(singing chords)
Tomorrow comes!!!

in hospital

Slipped and fell quite spectacularly 8 days ago.Struggled to breathe properly since. Thought it was musculoskeletal trauma like last time so retry much ignored it as best I could. Was making a 3D nativity  scene with 4 of my nieces and nephews 3days ago and realised how wheezy and how much I was struggling. Had been using nebuliser since falling and used it as soon as the wee yins left. Relief for only 30 mins. Called mental health crisis team because my physical health was really impacting on my mental health and I figured out of hours would hunt me. The crisis team told me to call and see then call them back and let them know what happened. I did. Out of hours were organising a house call. I called  them back as promised -crisslis team that is. Doctor called wanted to see me pronto so sent patient transport to get me. Got there with blue lips so they sat me on nebuliser and called ambulance. Been in since. Only day 3 but am in an open-plan ward. I hate it. I want to be in a corner. Or better yet  smaller ward...or even BETTER yet...my own room. I cut my legs and shoulders last night. I was like an animal. I couldn't stop myself. For ages. I hate me. I disgust me. I do not want to be here. Or anywhere. I can't bear to see these elderly ladies. I'll not get like that. I'll not get to that stage...because I'll not get to that age.

humanity's curse?

is it inevitable to have masses of worry and love for others and be non-existent to them?

being 'very lucky'

was told by health care 'professional' (I use inverted commas like that when i've had a tough time with things and don't see them like you're supposed to -and that word is in italics, because i'm pretty sure we're being brainwashed into this 'logic'!!)

Anyhoo...apparently my stopping my medications so ridiculously abruptly was just that -ridiculous...

" there have been spontaneous reports of adverse events occurring upon discontinuation of these drugs, particularly when abrupt, including the following: dysphoric mood, irritability, agitation, dizziness, sensory disturbances (e.g., paresthesias such as electric shock sensations), anxiety, confusion, headache, lethargy, emotional liability, insomnia, hypomania, tinnitus and seizures"


i'm a wee bit torn here though...because there are moments when i am genuinely glad i didn't have a seizure and die, but then there are other moments...

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!!

American kids are KNOWINGLY brainwashed?!!!

Adverts have been shown IN SCHOOLS in the USA?!!! Apparently "Channel One news network" has been funneling its news into the eyes of MILLIONS of American schoolchildren in 8000 schools for 12 minutes a day -EVERY SINGLE DAY!! And since it can reach 6 MILLION KIDS "Channel One sell 30 second ad-spots for a minimum of $200,000, so that advertisers can reach that most attention-lapsed of markets – the young ‘uns"...

I absolutely can't imagine this happening in the UK ...

AND, WAIT FOR IT...IT'S NOT NEW??!!It's been happening since 1989?!!...was everyone else aware of this (obviously if you're an American buddy you were aware...well, maybe you weren't aware that that's not how folk in my class grew up...Heaven's above there was an outcry when Thatcher took our milk away from us in school...I can't imagine what would happen if they PUT adverts into the classroom here!! Actually...I think I can...I mightn't have kids at school but I have 6 nieces and nephews and enough cousins and other folk's kids that I care about that I'd probably end up spearheading a vendetta against the powers -read idiots- that be)

I can't sleep...this is actually jaw-dropping to me...