living is torture for some people

I'd rather be dreaming than living
Living's just too hard to do
It's chances, not choices
Noises not voices
A day's just a thing to get through
Living's just too hard to do

I'd rather be dreaming that talking
There's nothing to hear or to say
With ears covered mouth closed
The world is opposed
Nothing get's in or away
There's nothing to hear or to say

I'd rather be dreaming than thinking
Thoughts are small comfort to me
Dreams might be pretend
But at least dreams end
And I just can't stop thinking you see
Thoughts are small comfort to me

I'd rather be dreaming than sleeping
Just sleeping you're just as well dead
In dreams I can fly
In dreams I don't die
That's why I lie here in this bed
Just sleeping you're just as well dead

I'd rather be dreaming

therapy

my therapist thinks i'm funny.

Funny -as in able to make her laugh...not funny -bizarre...

I'm a bit confused though.

She said i still make jokes even when i'm not doing well ...

does that mean she thinks i'm not really not doing well?

**possibly triggering** su

I find it bizarre to say.

Or type.

Or think about.

5 little words that are such simple words, but with MASSIVE puzzles and hurts behind them.

I tried to hang myself.

dreams that are real

so...i made it past my birthday -but it was all a bit weird...I was so not in my head for the whole day...it was how i imagine it would be like to be a zombie.

i hadn't taken my medications for 4 days (which probably doesn't sound much...but i have over 20 medicines and some of them are pretty high doses!)

so i was completely checked out and don't remember the day.

the crisis team came over and apparently i said i couldn't do anything because i only had a wee rubbishy rope and was pi$$ed off that one of the crisis doctors or nurses or CPNs (I don't know they all have to have titles now!)..i was told that i said, and I QUOTE "bitch took my good rope"... i kind of vaguely remember it but i've been drifting in and out of sleep for weeks now and haven't left the flat except to go to the GP once -and they then sent me to hospital and THAT was one of my most horrific trips...and I've had some horrific stays!!...anyway...i honestly thought that was a dream. i can't believe it really happened and i really said that.

i don't want to believe i said that. it's horrible!

decisions

some people make mistakes sometimes.

i seem to do it every moment -even if i'm asleep.

it seems the least selfish thing to go now.

the longer i stay, the more things i waste, the more people i hurt...

i'm torn completely -someone still has to find you.

that's still selfish.

thee most selfish thing i can think of.

but it is better to do one more selfish thing than burden everyone all the time.

it is the lesser of two evils.

shhh

gone.

self harm.

consumed.

must hurt me.

it's the only way i know i'm real -when i feel the pain.

i know they're wrong.

i'm not see-through.

i am here.


for now, anyway.

Rock bottom

worst day ever..fallen through yet another net...didn't think there were any more i could possibly fall through...this MUST be rock bottom now..

i bought rope and tied a hangman's knot with 13 loops as required.

like anyone will even bat an eyelid when i'm gone.

ha!

there'll be flags out and celebrations.

saving the government from paying me money to get by because i'm too unwell to work.
saving the tax-man's pennies
saving the NHS resources i've been using -GP, doctors(from MANY departments), Crisis team, social work, therapists (who all do nothing but watch me drown anyway)
saving people who call me a 'friend' sometimes from the burden that is me
saving my nieces and nephews from being a constant terrible warning -just one final thing and then that will supersede everything else and they'll get on with things (the longer i'm here, the more they get attached to me... it's best if i do this now, for their sakes too...it will happen eventually anyway hanging around longer is the more selfish option)
saving my mum, dad and siblings from this prolonged burdening and worry...
saving strangers and everyone, everywhere...

...from the burden that is me.