Calming down now

I was having an 'OK' day then my sister was tremendously horrid (I was trying to open a bag with a baby grow inside it for my niece - her girl) <having dexterity problems nowadays>

...she snatched it from me, I thought, for a second, to help me...

and threw it across to the other side of the room (bearing in mind I then couldn't reach it AND she had already put my crutches somewhere 'out of the way' where I couldn't reach...she said I was making too much noise over the tv...

Inside was a gift for her baby and I was checking there wasn't a receipt etc...

I crawled to get my crutches and left in tears.

I'm just in the way.

I've fought for HOURS since leaving hers to stay safe.

I'm not sure I can do things without her -she knows this and will ask for money in a roundabout way and in such a way that I cannot say no.

She saw my bank app...

I can't even.

I just can't.

Friends and being a rubbishy one

I've spent FAR too many hours crying over how much of a letdown I am to everyone...

I've completely melted down and caused myself physical harm over these intense feelings.

Social anxiety has crippled me and I don't like to go outside AT ALL anymore...

I had a friend I drove LOTS of places and messaged CONSTANTLY then she got a new boyfriend and I've had my car taken back by the powers that be...

This has ONLY JUST occurred to me...I realise that people have probably experienced this several times over prior to reaching their 30s but I haven't...

I melted again today...

I have no fresh food again and I'm just a total burden everywhere ...

I wasn't able to ask for help at first l, then I was...now I can't again and as stupid as it may be, well, it bugs me to high heaven that people nearby NEED me to explain EVERY TIME when I need help, or...well, food...

I mean...

I could scream...

In truth, I'd rather scream than feel how I do inside... I feel like I'm on fire inside...

Borderline personality disorder makes me feel too much at once and then I switch off to get by and not self harm or shout at the wrong person (that would be everyone... I'm a nothing.)