inability to speak today...

not even to call the GP -and i've only got one reliever inhaler left..

...

getting so frustrated with myself.

...

Been There
Feel Again
© Jeff Bresee
Much time I now spend, watching
Watching as others pass by, living
Living their lives
I watch not for care of wanting to know them
Or even so as to learn from what they do and say
I simply watch…and wonder
Wondering why. Why do I feel this way
Wondering how. How have I come to this point
Wondering when. When can I ever hope to feel again
As I watch, I remember
Remember what it was like…
To feel as they feel
To laugh as they laugh
To cry as they cry
To hope as they hope
To hurt as they hurt
To love, to hate, to long, to fear, to yearn…to rejoice…to live
But such is all that I have…memories
Memories which flow before my mind’s eye
Even as the people flow before my gaze
And I, I sit quietly in the shadow…
And wonder

***

i feel as stuck as ever since first breaking my ankle nearly 4 years ago...my heart is breaking for the folk in the Philippines and yet i'm just as selfish as ever moaning in my own head over and over about 'being stuck'...at least i'm alive -i should be grateful for that, plus i live in a country where i can get financial help whilst unable  to work at the moment....but nooooooooooo...


***


I feel smashed and hammered reading that poem...in a weirdly 'good' (not good) way...in that, I can relate and not feel so...alien...
I...Went to the bin chute -only the one in the landing ...through 4 doors (I'm including my living room and front door...because my heart rate had increased before if even gone through them)...that was about 3 hours ago...I'm now agitated beyond my ability to explain...I hate that that was so big an effort I had beads of sweat everywhere...I hate me right now...

Here are the Different Types of Borderline Personality Disorder:

• Low Functioning Borderline - The “Low Functioning” borderline is what most people think of when they are first introduced to the condition. Low functioning BPDs are a living train wreck. They have intense difficulties taking care of their basic needs, are constantly experiencing mood swings. They also have an extremely hard time managing any sort of relationship with another human being. Low Functioning BPDs are often hospitalized more than other BPD types, for the very reason that they can’t live productively without constant coaching and supervision. These patients are challenging for all but the most experienced psychiatrists. Unless otherwise treated, low functioning borderlines lead self destructive lives and attempt to manipulate those around them with desperate acts, including self harm (cutting, etc.).
• High Functioning Borderline - The High Functioning Borderline Personality shares many core aspects of the low functioning borderline personality, except for the fact that they can manage their lives, appear to be productive, and generally keep their relationships civil (even diplomatic in nature). High Functioning borderlines can appear to be normal, driven people one moment; then moody, inconsolable, and manipulative the next. Somehow, there is a mechanism within the minds of High Functioning Borderlines that allows them to lead somewhat “competent” lives, despite the fact that they are in a constant battle with BPD. High functioning BPDs are no better than low functioning: it’s basically the same face wearing a different mask.
• Extroverted Borderline - Anyone familiar with the Meyer-Briggs personality tests will understand the psychological differences between extroversion and introversion. When these characteristics are mixed with BPD, there are two different results. The Extroverted Borderline pushes all their feelings, fears, manipulation, rage, and moodiness outward to the people around them. In essence, if you are around an extroverted BPD, you feel like you’re living through their emotions while coping with your own at the same time. Further, extroverted BPDs will attempt self abusive acts in plain view of others in order to avoid abandonment or to express their rage. For example, an Extroverted BPD might cut themselves and then immediately share it with family and friends around them, hoping to gain sympathy or attention. In most cases, these types of behaviors frighten non-Borderlines, and they wonder whether or not the Extroverted BPD should be committed to a psych ward.
• Introverted Borderline - Contrary to popular belief, “introverted” doesn’t necessarily describe someone who is a recluse (agoraphobic). Instead, introversion is characterized by experiencing life in a self-reflective, private, and at times distant manner. To others, introverts may appear shy or lacking in people skills. This might be true, however, introverts make up for their lack of social skills with rich inner lives, thoughts, and deep thinking. As a result, the introverted Borderline primarily focuses all their BPD emotions and reactions inward. Instead of having a rage episode in public, they might retreat to their rooms and cry for hours on end, perhaps even cutting themselves for their own amusement or as stress relief. Introverted Borderlines live in an odd world: on one hand, they spend most of their time in personal thought and reflection, looking to fill themselves with a viable sense of self; but on the other, they are conflicted by emptiness and the bottomless emotional pit that BPD produces. Introverted BPDs might be harder to “spot” unless you happen to know one personally, in which case you might notice occasional depressive symptoms and evidence of self harm.
• Transparent Borderline - The Transparent Borderline is a bit of a mix between a high functioning borderline and either extroverted or introverted tendencies. In plain terms, Transparent Borderlines live double lives: on the surface, “in public”, they appear one way, but in private, amongst immediate family and friends, they appear completely different. As a result, they may or may not be high functioning due to this conflicted state of mind. Transparent Borderlines spend most of their emotional energy trying to balance the personality demands of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, the both of which experience strong BPD emotions like anyone else with the disease. Like Introverted Borderlines, Transparent Borderlines are harder to spot, and often only confess their true disposition after a harrowing rage, major break up, or other severely traumatic event that brings all their BPD feelings to the fore.

(http://shitborderlinesdo.tumblr.com/post/42929897175/someone-asked-if-there-are-different-levels-of-bpd)

...

**Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others. These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships. The causes of borderline personality disorder (BPD) are unknown. Genetic, family, and social factors are thought to play roles. Risk factors for BPD include: Abandonment in childhood or adolescence, Disrupted family life, Poor communication in the family, and Sexual abuse. People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly. People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships. Some other symptoms include: A fear of being abandoned, feelings of emptiness or boredom, frequent displays of inappropriate anger, impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, binge eating, intolerance of being alone, repeated crises and acts of self-injury. Like other personality disorders, BPD is diagnosed based on a psychological evaluation and the history and severity of the symptoms. Many types of individual talk therapy, such as dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), can successfully treat BPD. In addition, group therapy can help change self-destructive behaviors. In some cases, medications can help level mood swings and treat depression or other disorders that may occur with this condition. The outlook depends on how severe the condition is and whether the person is willing to accept help. With long-term talk therapy, the person will often gradually improve. Some complications include: depression, drug abuse, suicide threats and attempts, and problems with work, family, and social relationships. Call your health care provider if you feel you have symptoms of borderline personality disorder. It is especially important to seek help right away if you or someone else is having thoughts of suicide.**

Birthday rearing it's ugly head again...

i have ONLY posted replies to things in a closed support group for folk with BPD as of late
...and i have put up a couple of silly pics to get us smiling
...but they've really been to try to get ME TO smile
...i feel like i'm dead inside just now -just an empty shell
...like an Easter Egg that isn't Cadbury or Galaxy or any nice-tasting thing
...i feel down...really down...the kind where words fail me...i...i kind of don't feel real at the same time...i have nobody to talk to to explain these things that will understand and not be upset/worried/offended 
...but i've held back from sharing in the group for fear of triggering or offending or worrying folk THERE
...you know what i'm saying when i say "i feel really really low"
...but for those of us WITH BPD we know it's not a, err, aaargh... i don't even know how to word anything... i don't want reported to facebook if i say flat out what's in my head...

or to have the police show up and take me away if i do the same on the phone to breathing space or the Samaritans...

tomorrow is my birthday -the day that will be a day folk get angry with me when i'm gone because it's by my own hand...so it's the day...it HAS to be...

i feel sick to the pit of my stomach -i have NO IDEA where i hid my rope from myself...

i'm both glad and angry with myself for that...