it just dawned on me...

it just dawned on me that the first time inappropriateness entered my life was more than 21 years ago....21 years man, and i'm a broken shell of a person.

*warning:prepare to be ranted at*




i wasn't doing ok.

i was just pretending...but this time it wasn't to everyone else...

i really, really had myself fooled.

idiot.

somebody said to me the other day it was just one step forwards and 2 back but that's still going forward...

i immediately replied that i don't go forward and back but just round and round in circles...

and do you know what's JUST dawned on me?

constantly taking ONE step forward and TWO back??... ...that's the absolute opposite of going forwards...

that's the most ridiculous expression ever, aside from maybe "smile, it might not happen" -I turned round to a teacher who said that to me once and said "sir, it already has"
(think I was the talk of the staffroom for many years thereafter!)

last week it really really dawned on me how much i wasn't coping after a silly incident that just shattered my mask...


my buddy said a change of scenery would be good...

stupid panic attack a couple of hours ago at the thought of going to stay with her -she's grand but has 4 wee kids (the eldest is 9, so not THAT little I guess)

anyway, I had explained how worried I was they'd see my old scars...not so old now...

i digress, she said that her brother has scars so they wouldn't be phased and that kids generally aren't phased by much...

i've now over-thought it -well as if seeing 1 grown up in your life with scars mightn't be scarring enough (oh puns!GREAT!)...seeing TWO?? they might start to think of it as a coping mechanism BECAUSE they've seen more than one person go to it.

if someone else were to do that BECAUSE of my influence...urgh...

and then there's sorting clothes (not that i have much), getting hamster into travel thing..bringing his food/bedding/cleaning stuff; my medication (and there are 18 different kinds); my wheelchair, rollator, crutches (though, to be fair, I'd be using one of them and bringing the other 2...); checking, double-checking and triple-checking that everything's switched off (NOTE TO SELF: this time NOT the freakin' fridge!); bringing bath-board; bringing teddy -yeah!I'll be explaining that to her husband how?!!...

NOW THERE'S A NEW THOUGHT...her husband -he's just a lovely man...but still, a man nonetheless... =

my heart's racing again.

i can't think about this just now.

and it's tomorrow she wants to come pick me up..............

switching brain off...