shhh

gone.

self harm.

consumed.

must hurt me.

it's the only way i know i'm real -when i feel the pain.

i know they're wrong.

i'm not see-through.

i am here.


for now, anyway.

Rock bottom

worst day ever..fallen through yet another net...didn't think there were any more i could possibly fall through...this MUST be rock bottom now..

i bought rope and tied a hangman's knot with 13 loops as required.

like anyone will even bat an eyelid when i'm gone.

ha!

there'll be flags out and celebrations.

saving the government from paying me money to get by because i'm too unwell to work.
saving the tax-man's pennies
saving the NHS resources i've been using -GP, doctors(from MANY departments), Crisis team, social work, therapists (who all do nothing but watch me drown anyway)
saving people who call me a 'friend' sometimes from the burden that is me
saving my nieces and nephews from being a constant terrible warning -just one final thing and then that will supersede everything else and they'll get on with things (the longer i'm here, the more they get attached to me... it's best if i do this now, for their sakes too...it will happen eventually anyway hanging around longer is the more selfish option)
saving my mum, dad and siblings from this prolonged burdening and worry...
saving strangers and everyone, everywhere...

...from the burden that is me.

An email i got and how i felt after reading it

I got this in an email...

 "

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. 

"What food might this contain?", the mouse wondered.
He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

 

Retreating to the farmyard,

the mouse proclaimed this warning :

"There is a mousetrap in the house!  

There is a mousetrap in the house!"

  

The chicken clucked and scratched,

raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse,

I can tell this is a grave concern to you,

but it is of no consequence to me.  

I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him,

"There is a mousetrap in the house!  

There is a mousetrap in the house!"

  

The pig sympathized, but said,

"I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse,

but there is nothing I can do about it

but pray..

Be assured you are in my prayers."

  

The mouse turned to the cow and said,

"There is a mousetrap in the house!

There is a mousetrap in the house!"

            

The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, 

but it's no skin off my nose."

  So, the mouse returned to the house,

head down and dejected,

to face the farmer's mousetrap

. . . Alone.. .. .

   

That very night

a sound was heard throughout the house

-- the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

   

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught.  

In the darkness, she did not see it.  

It was a venomous snake

whose tail was caught in the trap.

  

The snake bit the farmer's wife.

The farmer rushed her to the hospital.    

When she returned home she still had a fever.

Everyone knows you treat a fever

with fresh chicken soup.

So the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient:

But his wife's sickness continued.  

Friends and neighbors came to sit  with her around the clock.  

To feed them, 

the farmer butchered the pig.

                  

But, alas,

the farmer's wife did not get well...

She died.

                   

So many people came for her funeral

that the farmer had the cow slaughtered

to provide enough meat for all of them

for the funeral luncheon.

  

And the mouse looked upon it all

from his crack in the wall

with great sadness.

 

So, the next time you hear

someone is facing a problem

and you think it doesn't concern you,

remember ---

When one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.

We are all involved in this journey called life.

We must keep an eye out for one another

and make an extra effort

to encourage one another.

                 

YOU MAY WANT TO SEND THIS

TO EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER

HELPED YOU OUT...  

           

AND LET THEM KNOW

HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE.

  

- REMEMBER -

  

  EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD

IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY.

  

OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER

FOR A REASON.

             

One of the best things to hold onto

In this world is a FRIEND.

  

                                                                                                     

                                                                                                        "

...but i ended up sitting in tears reading this.

i don't feel part of a tapestry.

i feel like the thread that got tangled with the others and ruined a bit of the pattern and so was cut out and throw on the floor.

Alone.

As ever.



...i sent that in an email to say that's how i felt. i got the following back...


 "Ahhh, I think you're looking at the wrong side of the tapestry: we can only see the back, where the knots, tangles and 'mistakes' are. God sees the front, and will show it to us only when we're ready to see it. The pattern isn't ruined, just changed. Perhaps God is waiting to show you the pattern that He intends. And you cannot be cut out until the right time: 'Like a weaver I have rolled up my life; he cuts me off from the loom'. It can only happen when the Lord is ready. Until then, it's the painful process of being twisted and knotted and threaded into spaces that we don't feel comfortable in, but God alone knows the pattern and design that He is perfecting.

To know that you want to pray and be with Him is sufficient. Holding you in prayer."

 

...then i sent...

 "and if a thread fell out of the tapestry before the Lord was ready for it?

does it fall to the floor and stay there?

is it condemned? lost forever with no hope at all?

i didn't get to mass this weekend.

i'm scared that someone will show up at my door tomorrow and take me away...or tell me i'm wasting their time.

they were supposed to come on thursday or friday...the gp said they would...they didn't bother.

i've fought all weekend long with thoughts saying they didn't come because they don't care and that no one does...

and that them not coming is to give me that extra push i need to just fall to the floor

but i didn't.

clearly.

sorry.

i share too much

and this weekend's Gospel...“If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them if a large millstone were hung around their neck and they were thrown into the sea. If your hand causes you to stumble, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell, where the fire never goes out."
well, that's all i do isn't it?Upset others and argue with them and leave them with the sun setting on arguments...and causing anger and goodness knows what else..............

i just keep going round in circles where the thought that's haunting me is that it would be better for everyone everywhere...

i mean, i can't even work. all i do is take money from the country...which is really from my neighbour - i am a thief.

i was arrested on tuesday.

everyone's out to get me.

i don't want anymore people to get me.

maybe that's the decision set in stone then?

the 'i' there...

it's selfish.

it would be my choice.

there would be no purgatory then i guess.

i suppose i've answered my own question.  

i'm sorry.

just pretend i never sent those last 2 emails.

i am so so sorry.

i don't mean to burden others.

i certainly didn't mean to weigh you down -i know you have enough worries of your own -everyone does. every day does.


again, sorry. "

 
...i got no reply.

Just as i asked.

Standing up

I don't give up and I will not give in.

all on earth are subject to temptation,
for to tempt into sin is the devil's occupation.

Ah, well -get behind me Satan...you chose the wrong woman to taunt!!!

it just dawned on me...

it just dawned on me that the first time inappropriateness entered my life was more than 21 years ago....21 years man, and i'm a broken shell of a person.

*warning:prepare to be ranted at*




i wasn't doing ok.

i was just pretending...but this time it wasn't to everyone else...

i really, really had myself fooled.

idiot.

somebody said to me the other day it was just one step forwards and 2 back but that's still going forward...

i immediately replied that i don't go forward and back but just round and round in circles...

and do you know what's JUST dawned on me?

constantly taking ONE step forward and TWO back??... ...that's the absolute opposite of going forwards...

that's the most ridiculous expression ever, aside from maybe "smile, it might not happen" -I turned round to a teacher who said that to me once and said "sir, it already has"
(think I was the talk of the staffroom for many years thereafter!)

last week it really really dawned on me how much i wasn't coping after a silly incident that just shattered my mask...


my buddy said a change of scenery would be good...

stupid panic attack a couple of hours ago at the thought of going to stay with her -she's grand but has 4 wee kids (the eldest is 9, so not THAT little I guess)

anyway, I had explained how worried I was they'd see my old scars...not so old now...

i digress, she said that her brother has scars so they wouldn't be phased and that kids generally aren't phased by much...

i've now over-thought it -well as if seeing 1 grown up in your life with scars mightn't be scarring enough (oh puns!GREAT!)...seeing TWO?? they might start to think of it as a coping mechanism BECAUSE they've seen more than one person go to it.

if someone else were to do that BECAUSE of my influence...urgh...

and then there's sorting clothes (not that i have much), getting hamster into travel thing..bringing his food/bedding/cleaning stuff; my medication (and there are 18 different kinds); my wheelchair, rollator, crutches (though, to be fair, I'd be using one of them and bringing the other 2...); checking, double-checking and triple-checking that everything's switched off (NOTE TO SELF: this time NOT the freakin' fridge!); bringing bath-board; bringing teddy -yeah!I'll be explaining that to her husband how?!!...

NOW THERE'S A NEW THOUGHT...her husband -he's just a lovely man...but still, a man nonetheless... =

my heart's racing again.

i can't think about this just now.

and it's tomorrow she wants to come pick me up..............

switching brain off...